Move Over Jenny Craig; Now There’s Something Creepier October 28, 2009 2:12 PM | permalink

Who wants to weigh-in with a group of strangers, or eat all your pre-planned meals out of a cardboard box, or gasp, go the hi-tech way to diet “Tweet What You Eat,” just to lose a few pounds?  How mortifying! Well, apparently, now you have a new solution.

One generous gem of a guy is offering his services on craigslist "casual encounters" page to help attractive pudgies attain their peak physique.  And it won’t cost you a penny.  Check it out:

Ever been with an extremely sexually dominant guy?

I have had huge success with fat girls submitting control of their diet/exercise routine to me, and, as a result, losing all the weight they've ever dreamed of.

You trust a man enough to let him do whatever he wants with you, you take a direct order to lose weight and you're told how. How can you possibly mess it up?

And my reward? One extremely grateful, hot little girl that would do anything for me :)

The only requirements are low self-esteem and legal insanity. 

Does anyone know how to get in touch with Kirstie Alley?  It sounds like the perfect reality TV show in the making.  You turn on the telly expecting to watch The Bachelor, and you get The Biggest Loser.

And, by the way, investigating the casual encounters section of craigslist is part of my job.

Your One Stop Survival Guide To Dating Lady Bloggers October 28, 2009 9:25 AM | permalink

In case you are a single gentleman in search of an adorably geeky blogger chick, our pals over at the ladyblog Lemondrop have inadvertently provided a perfect map of all the loutish behavior you'd have to avoid to get on their sweet sides. 

Like most blogs, they divide their posts into categories, and one of them is known as (the very ladylike) "Douchemap." The way to navigate the Douchemap is as follows: Before a date with a snarky blogger chick, take a glance down at the posts in the category, and make sure to NOT commit any of the offenses mentioned. A cursory glance reveals a few key "don'ts"

-If your date is a virgin, don't drive her into a corn field and inform her you are about to "change her virgin status."

-Don't throw a six-year-old girl out of her house.

-Don't tell her about your cult that has group sex in trailer parks. 

-Don't be broke all the time.(You probably knew that one already.)

-Don't go camping with a woman you're dating and then cheat on her in an adjoining tent. 

If you do even one of those things, you'll be labeled "a douche," and strike out. BUT- if you do ALL of them, I'm gonna go out a limb here and say stick to your guns, cause she just might go for it.

After all, any sexy blogger chick will tell you that sleeping with a perpetually broke member of a trailer park sex cult who takes time off from evicting six-year-olds to deflower virgin after virgin in the same cornfield where he takes his girlfriend camping would make one a heck of a blog post.

And really, that's what they're interested in.

Metallicats? October 21, 2009 2:14 PM | permalink

In honor of last month's A Day Without Cats on the internet, we got a fair amount of attention for our video entitled "Maru The Employee," about a cubicle worker who seems to have let watching cats on the internet affect his performance at work.

Now, with this new video from the always awesome Mark Douglas at Barely Digital, it seems that the backlash against internet cats (and the fans they draw) has shifted from a meme to a movement, and does it with a pretty spot on Metallica impression. Check it out:

For whom does the Keyboard Toll now, Keyboard Cat?

It tolls for thee.

These (Dumb) Kids Today October 15, 2009 8:23 AM | permalink

According to an article from the BBC, a recent study claims that 75 percent of 16-24 year-olds "couldn't live" without the internet. Seeing as I was born and raised without the internet, I scoffed at these ridiculous kids and immediately looked up what was in fact "essential to maintain human life." What I found was the definition of the word "vital" which reads as follows:

vital
1. essential to maintain life
2. of, relating to, having, or displaying life
3.
a. the bodily organs, such as the brain, liver, heart, lungs, etc., that are necessary to maintain life
b. the organs of reproduction

You will note that nowhere in that definition is the word "internet" included. Of course, where did I look it up? 

You guessed it, the internet. 

Rats.

Maybe those dumb kids have a point.

Cell Blockhead October 8, 2009 2:13 PM | permalink

Stephanie Hull, pictured, used a stolen cell phone and called a bomb threat into her high school on September 18th that triggered a lockdown, according to police in Sparta, MI.

Seems that Hull, 18, failed to realize that mobile phones can act like little GPS transmitters, allowing cops to pinpoint their perky-looking suspect right to her bedroom. She was charged with one count of making a false report or threat of a bomb or harmful device and could face up to four years in prison.

She also faces false report of a felony charges for allegedly telling police that someone had swiped her phone, and then later admitting that it wasn't true.  During that time when she said she didn't have her phone but actually did, police say many on Hull's contact list received "threatening or harassing text messages from her phone."

Dumb protip: This is not what the friends and family program is for, people.

Easy Targets: You Don't Know Jack About the Internet and Should Feel Bad About It October 7, 2009 3:47 PM | permalink

MySpace Moron September 24, 2009 5:46 PM | permalink

Above is a screen grab of the MySpace page of Ezrakiah John Rowlinson, 33, who told off cops online and dared them to catch him for his alleged use of fraudulent checks.  All we did was lightly erase a bit of the type to shield our more innocent readers from the nasty bits.

After posting his dirty-worded dare, he did get nabbed and he's now in the Hennepin County Jail in Minnesota on charges of fleeing a police officer.

Authorities in Iowa have also booked him for forgery and theft and now three separate police agencies are investigating him.

Considering his chivalrous behavior towards the boys and girls in blue, I'm sure they'll be very forgiving.

Related: Last week's Facebook Fool!

Facebook Fool September 18, 2009 4:49 PM | permalink

After an intruder broke into a woman's home in Martinsville WV, the victim was able to star in her own Forensic Files-esque drama by cracking the case herself.

How?

She discovered the burglar had used her computer to check his Facebook account and he hadn't logged out.

Who would do something so stupid?  Well, for obvious reasons, it wasn't hard to find out.

According to police, 19-year-old Jonathan G. Parker was that dumb.

To make matters worse for Parker, a friend of the victim knew where he was staying in the area.

While not social networking, Parker allegedly stole two diamond rings worth over $3,500.  He was being held in the Eastern Regional Jail and faces up to 10 years in prison.

Speaking of Forensic Files, catch an all-new episode tonight, Friday, at 9:30PM e/op on truTV! 

Like stories and pictures of real net nitwits? Peruse our excellent Caught in the Web photo gallery on Crime Library.

The Information Stuper-Highway September 10, 2009 10:19 AM | permalink

I know you were probably thinking that the biggest tech news of the week was Apple's unveiling of the new "refreshed" iPods, but that's because you don't live in South Africa. Of course, if you lived in South Africa, you wouldn't likely know about the the new iPods, because the internet is so slow over there that you are better off sending information by carrier pigeon.

Seriously. 

To drive home the point about how bad broadband service is in the country, a local call center business called The Unlimited took 4GB of data on a memory stick, tied it to leg of a carrier pigeon named Winston, and sent him off on the 50 mile journey from Howick in South Africa’s Kwazulu-Natal province to Durban, while attempting to download an equally sized file at the same time.

Any guesses who won?

Including the time it took download the information onto and then off off the memory stick, Winston got the job done in just over two hours, the same time it took for the computer to complete just 4% of the download. 

Sadly for South Africans, none of the new iPod's features include straps that allow the mini music players to be easily affixed to Winston's leg.

An Idiot Walks into a Genius Bar... August 25, 2009 3:09 PM | permalink

After Raymond Miller, pictured, brought his Mac into an Apple store on Sunday, complaining about problems viewing images, a technician found explicit naked pictures of underage girls, according to police in Stamford, CT.

Miller, 36, was arrested on a possession of child pornography charge when he went to pick up his computer.  Police are still combing his hard drive and additional charges could be filed.

Related: News of the Weird reports on a sex offender in Alaska who meant to show an officer a flight simulator but accidentally showed him a whole lot more.