Another Good Reason To Read Dumb As A Blog November 19, 2009 3:18 PM | permalink

There are lots of reasons to read this blog. We have a caption contests, dumb criminals,  we keep you up to date on breaking Eggo Waffle shortages and even have posts devoted to both werewolves and vampires for all you Twilight devotees. 

But say for some reason, none of those reasons were compelling enough for you. What if you came up to me and said "Hey Ritch, that's all well and good, but what does your silly Dumb Blog have for a guy like me, who just wants to hang out in my indoor marijuana farm that is located a mere 25 feet from a police station?"

Good question, hypothetical guy who runs an indoor marijuana farm!

If by any chance you are one of the people who currently have warrants out on them for actually running an indoor marijuana farm in Los Angeles, a mere 25 feet from a police station, Dumb As A Blog might have spared you the legal jeopardy you are now in. How you ask?

Because we JUST WROTE ABOUT ANOTHER GUY who got busted for the same thing last week. Had you checked out our blog, you might have known that what you were doing was dumb, and you should probably knock it off before it's too late. So for all the rest of you dummies out there who have indoor marijuana farms next door to police stations, do yourselves a favor and knock it off, because you will get caught.

And don't say we never did anything for you, OK?

Write And Wrong November 2, 2009 11:24 AM | permalink

 We found an interesting new blog today that combines some of the elements of our dumb criminal posts with the personal touch of Found magazine.

Welcome to Bank Notes, a collection of actual notes handed to bank tellers by both successful and unsuccessful robbers, along with security camera stills and mugshots if the perp was arrested. Most are chilling in their desperation. Sort of like Twitter, but with more of an actual goal in mind.

Perhaps my favorite part of the site are the categories, cleverly organized so you could see, for example, all of the robberies where the bandit says "thanks."  While there is only a small sample group of these polite thieves, it appears that minding one's manners doesn't necessarily aid the career of a would-be bank robber.

All three of the individuals who wrote "thanks" in their notes were eventually arrested.

Other highlights include the guy who specifically wrote "no tracking devices" and was caught by a tracking device, the bandit who successfully knocked off a bank with a cereal box, and the 91-year-old bank robber who was a man of few words. 

(HT to boingboing for the find)

Q And A with Werewolf Author and truTV Blogger Ritch Duncan October 29, 2009 11:56 AM | permalink

Over the history of Dumb as a Blog, we've had many well-known authors on our masthead.

Honore de Balzac (pictured) spent some time on the "Dumb Criminal" beat in 1831-1833, but editors had to let him go when he began getting drunk at bars around town and saying unkind (but true) things about our parent company's annual Christmas food drive.

Franz Kafka also spent a while contributing to the site in 1911, but his depressing tone and sad insight into the nature of man didn't really fit with our light-hearted spirit.

And the old salts who were here when Norman Mailer covered "Dumb or Clever," mostly just laugh about the time Mailer challenged our copy editor to a fistfight over an issue involving split infinitives.

This fine literary  tradition continues with Ritch Duncan (below), our blogger who recently co-wrote The Werewolf's Guide to Life : A Manual for the Newly Bitten, published by Broadway Books.

During the work day Ritch is normally very busy watching old Boston Bruins games on YouTube and sexually harassing interns, but he was kind enough to answer a few of our questions in order to plug his book.

What has been the reaction to your book from the werewolf community?

They have been overwhelmingly supportive. Still, werewolves are people, and sometimes people disagree. Some have claimed that publishing facts about werewolves could be dangerous to them. We feel that suppressing the truth for fear that some werewolf hunter might misuse the information is like blocking sex education because it might cause kids to have sex. If a werewolf hunter is devoted enough, he can find out most of this himself, but if he reads it in our book, he might also see a picture of lycanthropes as well-adjusted, high-functioning members of society who are managing their condition safely.

Everyone knows vampires are hot now. Why write a book about werewolves? Do you simply have a bad agent?

They say "write what you know," and what we know is werewolves. If we only sold a single copy of the book and it found its way into the hands of just one newly-bitten werewolf who then learned how to safely restrain himself during his moons, thereby saving not only his life but the lives of his neighbors, loved ones and pets, it would all have been worth it.

All we can really tell you about vampires or, as we describe them in the book, "the smug, effeminate undead," is that they are to be avoided at all costs. They are jerks, and like to sleep with other people's wives. We're happy working with werewolves. Our agent, Byrd Leavell at the Waxman Literary Agency, is neither a werewolf nor a vampire, and has been great.

Who would win in a fight between a werewolf and Godzilla?

Assuming Godzilla is real, there's two ways to answer this. If the werewolf is in his fully transformed wild state, I gotta go with the big lizard.Werewolves are ferocious, but are out of their weight class here. If the werewolf in question is in his dormant (human) form, and happens to be a nuclear physicist with a keen awareness of Godzilla's weaknesses, he might have a chance to outwit him and win.
 
Who are some famous werewolves in history? Other than Dolly Madison.
Our book has a recurring feature called "famous lycs through time," which we include to let newly bitten werewolves know that it is possible to not only survive with this condition, but thrive. One of them is the late beat poet Alan Ginsberg, which forces a completely different interpretation of his famous poem "Howl."

Would it have been easier for you to write the book if you were a werewolf yourself?

Probably not. It's still too dangerous for a werewolf to admit his condition publicly, so my co-author Bob Powers and I were able to speak for them, while allowing them to remain safely anonymous. Plus, making deadlines is harder when you're chained to a wall in your basement for three nights out of every month.

What is the biggest misconception about werewolves?

That they are monsters. Our book attempts to dispel the ignorant rumors spread by Hollywood movies and supernatural romantic 'tween fiction. Ignorance creates monsters. Lycanthropy does not. 

Where do werewolves stand on the public option?

Strictly speaking, werewolves should avoid doctors. The regenerative quality of their monthly transformations tends to ward off disease, and werewolves also heal much faster than non-lycanthropes. Still, many werewolves maintain health coverage so as to not attract attention to themselves, so anything the government can do to lower those monthly costs would be greatly welcomed.

Can mistletoe really ward off werewolves, or is that a silly folktale?

Sadly, that's just a folktale. Same thing with wolfsbane. If you put some mistletoe up in your house though, you might be able to get a werewolf to make out with you, but only in his dormant state. In his wild state, the best course of action is to run. 

You are a new father. Ever tell werewolf stories to your daughter?

She's still pretty young, so not yet. We're a big Mo Willems house. If The Pigeon ever gets bit by a werewolf, we'll be all over that. 

Move Over Jenny Craig; Now There’s Something Creepier October 28, 2009 2:12 PM | permalink

Who wants to weigh-in with a group of strangers, or eat all your pre-planned meals out of a cardboard box, or gasp, go the hi-tech way to diet “Tweet What You Eat,” just to lose a few pounds?  How mortifying! Well, apparently, now you have a new solution.

One generous gem of a guy is offering his services on craigslist "casual encounters" page to help attractive pudgies attain their peak physique.  And it won’t cost you a penny.  Check it out:

Ever been with an extremely sexually dominant guy?

I have had huge success with fat girls submitting control of their diet/exercise routine to me, and, as a result, losing all the weight they've ever dreamed of.

You trust a man enough to let him do whatever he wants with you, you take a direct order to lose weight and you're told how. How can you possibly mess it up?

And my reward? One extremely grateful, hot little girl that would do anything for me :)

The only requirements are low self-esteem and legal insanity. 

Does anyone know how to get in touch with Kirstie Alley?  It sounds like the perfect reality TV show in the making.  You turn on the telly expecting to watch The Bachelor, and you get The Biggest Loser.

And, by the way, investigating the casual encounters section of craigslist is part of my job.

Your One Stop Survival Guide To Dating Lady Bloggers October 28, 2009 9:25 AM | permalink

In case you are a single gentleman in search of an adorably geeky blogger chick, our pals over at the ladyblog Lemondrop have inadvertently provided a perfect map of all the loutish behavior you'd have to avoid to get on their sweet sides. 

Like most blogs, they divide their posts into categories, and one of them is known as (the very ladylike) "Douchemap." The way to navigate the Douchemap is as follows: Before a date with a snarky blogger chick, take a glance down at the posts in the category, and make sure to NOT commit any of the offenses mentioned. A cursory glance reveals a few key "don'ts"

-If your date is a virgin, don't drive her into a corn field and inform her you are about to "change her virgin status."

-Don't throw a six-year-old girl out of her house.

-Don't tell her about your cult that has group sex in trailer parks. 

-Don't be broke all the time.(You probably knew that one already.)

-Don't go camping with a woman you're dating and then cheat on her in an adjoining tent. 

If you do even one of those things, you'll be labeled "a douche," and strike out. BUT- if you do ALL of them, I'm gonna go out a limb here and say stick to your guns, cause she just might go for it.

After all, any sexy blogger chick will tell you that sleeping with a perpetually broke member of a trailer park sex cult who takes time off from evicting six-year-olds to deflower virgin after virgin in the same cornfield where he takes his girlfriend camping would make one a heck of a blog post.

And really, that's what they're interested in.

Who Is Stupidist? September 15, 2009 12:57 PM | permalink

If you follow Twitter (follow truTV on Twitter here), you know that the trending topic of the morning was that Terry Moran of  ABC News  tweeted about President Obama's off the record response to the yawnworthy Kanye West-Taylor Swift-non-scandal-scandal by referring to West as a "jackass."

Scandal!

Largely because heath care is too boring to read about, the Twitterati (kill me, please) swung into action and re-tweeted the comment around the world. Realizing that the remark, part of an interview with CNBC, had been uttered during a moment that was off the record, Moran took his tweet down, and ABC apologized. Of course that didn't do any good, and the original tweet can still be found everywhere.

Obviously, there is a lot of stupidity going on here. So we pose the question: In this incident, who is the stupidist? The candidates:

President Obama

As Moran correctly surmised, calling someone "a jackass," is hardly Presidential. On the other hand, Obama had assumed that the remark was off the record, and plus, it was a jackass move on Kanye's part, even if it was a total set up.

Terry Moran

Moran deserves at least as much abuse as Obama here, not only for eavesdropping on an interview being given to another network, but then reporting on an off the record quote. To do it on Twitter  feels sort of extra ugly, like he just overheard the captain of the cheerleading team call the valedictorian a slut, and he just tweeted it to the WHOLE SCHOOL!

Kanye West

Ok, this guy IS a jackass. Still, he is entertaining, and nothing in an entertainer's job description specifically disallows rampant jackassery (See also, Piven, Jeremy; Griffin, Kathy; Top, Carrot).

The CNBC interviewer who asked Obama the off the record question

You work for CNBC, a financial news network, and the President of the United States has visited Wall Street in the wake of one of the biggest financial disasters since the Great Depression, and you're asking him his opinion on Kanye? You think he sits around at work reading Videogum, and wondering if Taylor Swift's feelings got hurt?

Me, for writing this story and perpetuating this entire ridiculous escapade

Where do I get off giving this story legs and distracting people from what's really important in this country?  In my defense, I write for a blog called "Dumb as a Blog" and my other job descriptions include things like diving directly into cardboard boxes, while imitating viral cat videos. So I'm just doin' my job over here.

So what do YOU think?

Tooting Our Own Dumb Horn February 11, 2009 11:16 AM | permalink

THIS JUST IN:  Dumb As A Blog is a SXSW Web Awards finalist in the blog category!  See all the finalists here.

For those of you that don't know the SXSW Interactive Festival, let's just say it's the Oscars for nerds.

The winners will be announced at an awards ceremony Sunday, March 15 in Austin, TX. 

I am so excited I've started drinking already!  Coffee, but still, it's the thought that counts, right?

I am totally going and will blog from there for sure.  What to wear?  Unlike stars at the Academy Awards, designers aren't lining up to get us to wear their gowns.  I can always break out my BeDazzler!

And if we win, what will we say during the acceptance speech?  Will we go the Gwyneth Paltrow route and cry all over our statuette? Maybe channel Roberto Benigni and tell the audience we want to make love to them on Mars? Act like Brando and send a Native American to explain why we can't accept their award?  Do a Jack Palance and show off with one-handed push ups? 

No, scratch that last one.  We're web people -- most of us get winded programming the DVR to record Most Daring.  (Which, my promo gene compels me to tell you, is an all-new episode tonight at 9PM e/p on truTV.)

But seriously, we have no idea what we'd say, but rest assured, it will be something dumb for sure.

Related awards stupidity: Find out about something called the "Award Awards" here on News of the Weird.

Super Duper Dumb Roundup December 1, 2008 11:40 AM | permalink

Smoking mittens: How can something so wrong be so right? 

In this rough economy, business people have to work that much harder to get you to buy.  Exhibit A: Check out this site's soup copy -- pear and parsnip puree is said to be so good it makes grown men cry and eating it is akin to watching clips of Fred Astaire.  Wha?  This "Soupergirl" is over the top and might be doing too much pot.  Get it?  Pot? 

Hey boys, take all that money you were going to blow on hair plugs and put it towards the ultimate sex-cessory: soap!

New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress is well on his way to the Dumb Hall of Fame after accidentally shooting himself in the leg at a nightclub and then initially refusing treatment, according to reports.  News Flash: He just turned himself in and faces up to three and a half years if convicted.

A fantastic stocking stuffer for your senile auntie: The "To Do Tattoo" claims to be the simple solution for short-term memory loss.

Patting our backs: We Dumb Bloggers participated in this year's "National Blog Posting Month."  NaBloPoMo challenged bloggers to post every single ding dong day in November.  And we're chuffed to say we actually done it!  Approximately 1000 bloggers participated.  Not sure how many of those succeeded.  But I see this guy did and this chick too. Congrats dudes!

Now: Join the truTV Fan Page on Facebook and join our blog network for Dumb As a Blog too!

Los Angeles Gaines, Our Dumb Loss October 30, 2008 4:29 PM | permalink

Today marks the last day at truTV and Dumb as a Blog for Dixon Gaines IV. Dixon -- or hey, you DG4, as he's known here -- is leaving of his own accord and moving to California, where he plans to find a job fighting fires or working in a restaurant; it all depends on if he looks better in a fireman's hat or a kitchen apron.

Dixon was among the most erudite people ever to walk our halls, but his Ivy League education didn't always pay-off. He wanted to produce a show called "The Smoking Gun Presents:  Dumbest Hoplites of Ancient Greece," which, it turned out, tested very poorly in the coveted 18-49 male demographic.

Editing Dixon was a joy, although he often tried to slip in dirty jokes in their original Latin (Et tu, asellus?). To say "goodbye," we conducted a short debriefing interview.

Q: What was the dumbest thing you had to do on this job?

A: I think the dumbest thing would have to be when I called random diners in North Dakota and asked if most folks there called soft drinks “soda” or “pop.”  It’s a worthwhile question, but I’m sure these poor waitresses were like “Who is this random weirdo from New York and why is he bothering me during lunch rush?”

Q: What was your favorite blog entry?

A: My favorite blog entry would have to be the Crazed Cow Woman story.  As a former Ohioan, I know something about cow-towns and I was able to use just about every cow-related gag I could think of.  Well, almost.  It’s hard to work the word “ruminant” into a sentence.

Q:  We have someone replacing you next week. Any advice?

A: There’s never a dearth of dumb in the world, but when in doubt, talk about the Jonas Brothers.

Q: Are you disappointed you’re leaving before the company gives out flu shots?

A: I’m slightly disappointed, but I’m more sad to leave before the holiday party.  Working for a large, multinational conglomerate, one of the perks is a nice spread come December, but I have to amscray before the open bar and the fancy canapés. Bummer.

Q: Before this job you worked at Vintage Books. What is the biggest difference between working at a publisher and a TV network?

A: Well, at this job, I don’t think anyone has been chewed out and humiliated by Oprah, so that’s certainly a nice plus.

Q: You’re moving to Los Angeles. Do you think you’ll be able to find any dumbness in the City of Angels?

A:  I think there’s an overstock of dumb in LA.  In the land of the surfer dude and the valley girl, I think they mail dumb directly to you, like a tax rebate made of stupid.

Hamptons Barbarian Returns to Pampered Life June 17, 2008 4:21 PM | permalink

The man who survived a week roughing it in the backyard of his family's Hamptons estate has lived to blog about his experience. Sickened by eating rotten mussels and "killies," which are some sort of bait, the Barbarian was driven to steal tomatoes and onions from a nearby farm over the weekend. Dumb As A Blog, being dumb, doesn't know if this violates any rules of backyard living, but wouldn't expect anything more from a barbarian in the first place. The family poodle ate a large portion of the haul anyway,

"I was torn between murdering my dog, murdering then eating my dog, or murdering my dog and then braising it along with the tomatoes, onions and garlic to make a fine stew. Tough options."

Tough like you, hungry barbarian. Congratulations from us here at Dumb: we admire your fortitude and,  of course, your dumb.