Large Hadron Collider 4 Dummies October 14, 2009 7:49 AM | permalink

The Large Hadron Collider is a massive subject for smarty pants, but with recent newsworthy events that read like bad Hollywood scripts, your dumb rump should be ready to haul out this hefty topic at cocktail parties. Here's all you need to know, below. 

1.  There's a giant underground machine beneath the ground near Geneva, Switzerland.  It has been riddled problems and has yet to be activated.  Some fear when it is switched on it will create a black hole that will swallow the earth.

2.  Watch the Large Hadron Rap (pictured) to get the gist of what it is about. Over five million nerds have already rocked out to it.

3.  Two scientists have just proposed that the LHC is fated to be doomed because the machine is evil and the future is coming back to stop it from ever being created.  Yes, just like in Back to the Future, except instead of getting McFly's parents to meet, something is trying to dismantle this machine.

4.  Another physicist named Franklin Felber says that the LHC can test hyperdrive space propulsion.  So, just like in Star Wars, we may soon be building our own Millennium Falcon's and opening an Arby's somewhere in M31.  "Soon" as in 100 years.

5.  And news just broke that one of the brilliant nuclear scientists working on the LHC was charged with plotting terrorist activities as an agent of Al Qaeda.  The scientist was allegedly looking to create his own "big bang" -- he wanted to help blow up an oil refinery the size of London and had a wish list of  assassination targets.  Nice. Makes black holes that suck up the universe seem downright cozy.

Cat Crap Causes Kookiness? October 9, 2009 9:40 AM | permalink

You probably know a crazy cat lady.  And maybe you've heard that pregnant women can get sick from a cat-bourne illness called toxoplasmosis.  But did you know that scientists think there might be something in kitty's poop that makes feline fiends act far out? 

Listen to the last segment on this episode of Radiolab and find out more.  And, um, step away from the litterbox...

Image: I took that pic of my hairdresser's Maine Coon cats.  Besides doing my tresses, he's also a world-renowned cat show judge.  He's brilliant.  Lovely. And yeah, he's pretty cracked.

Related: Our original, viral Maru the cat spoof called "Maru the Employee" featuring a guy who's watched one too many of the internet-famous cat clips.

Does Your Yard Lack for a Psychedelic Mini-Space Shuttle? September 30, 2009 2:17 PM | permalink

Well you are in luck!

Starting October 1st, you can bid on your choice of 22 little painted shuttles, all of which look like they are precariously poised on a black or white traffic cone. 

Plus, unlike most art, these babies have been coated with automotive seal for outdoor use.  Beat that, Mona Lisa! 

Don't answer yet.  The bidding starts at $500, but after you get drunk at the Kennedy Space Center's October 8th reception and buy one of these fiberglass hot messes, and your spouse threatens to leave you, you can snap at them and say, "But the money goes to a good cause!"

And it does -- money raised goes to a scholarship fund for smarty pants science students.  So go ahead and buy a shuttle painted like a zebra. There are dumber things you could do. 

Note: Dumb As a Blog is not responsible if your partner leaves you for purchasing one of these thingys.

Control Issues June 30, 2009 1:33 PM | permalink

Toyota has reportedly created a brain-controlled wheelchair.  Ya. While America can't produce a hybrid passenger car anyone wants, Japan has figured out how to steer using your cerebellum.  With just a thought, the wheelchair can go right, left or stop--just by thinking about it.  What other uses might this technology have other than the utter lack of physical movement making us all even fatter?

We think there are lots of things crying out for change with our brains. Here are the Top 6 Things We'd Like Mind-Control Over:

1. Journalists: So that we could get them to stop over-hyping Megan Fox by just thinking how annoying it is.

2. Soccer fans in South Africa: So that they don't use the vuvuzela ever again.  Seriously, the horn made the Brazil vs. U.S. game sound like it was being attacked by killer bees.

3. Michael Jackson's death: Make it retroactive to 1991 when he actually had a career and we didn't have to think about those other nasty bits.

4. Billy Mays pitches: Because the man was so good no normal mortal was able resist his wiles, especially after the sad news.

5. Bernie Madoff's sentencer, Judge Denny Chin: Make him go back, say it was a typo and give him 1500 years.

6. Cats: So you could make them stop giving you that creepy stare-through-you look when you are at home alone with one.

Cheerios vs. The Feds May 14, 2009 10:59 AM | permalink

The Food and Drug Administration has a beef with a certain oat-based cereal: They are calling Cheerios a drug.  

The claim on the box that the little toasted o's reduce cholesterol by "four percent" can only be made by approved drugs, say the FDA, and the agency is demanding General Mills correct its advertising or risk being snatched off the shelves.

(I bet every parent of young children just passed out after reading that, so let me give you a minute to recover...)

Now, in this original Dumb As a Blog video, watch as a federal agent* gets heavy-handed with a heavy user of this illicit drug.

*OK not a real federal agent. My brother. And the cute little star of the video is his spawn Sebastian.

A Thoughtful Analysis of Internet Buzz: Is America Dumb? May 12, 2009 2:45 PM | permalink

This morning the top five most popular search terms on Yahoo buzz were, in order: Farrah Fawcett, Carrie Prejean, American Idol, The Hubble Mission and Rihanna. While it might be easy to look at that list and accuse Americans of being excessively focused on celebrity, and therefore totally dumb, I think it's worth looking deeper. 

It is completely understandable to gather that an intelligent population would be drawn to this list, if one can accept the following these truths:

A) All human beings must deal with adversity and tragedy.
B) Dealing with adversity and tragedy is easier when experienced through the filter of celebrity.
C) Seeing people naked is awesome.
D) Admitting that seeing people naked is awesome is easier when experienced through the filter of celebrity.
E) Outer space is awesome.
F) All human beings must deal with embarrassment.
G) Dealing with embarrassment is easier when experienced through the filter of celebrity.
H) Pop music is awesome.
I) Television is awesome.
J) All human beings must deal with the mysterious and powerful forces that make up human sexuality.
K) Dealing with the mysterious and powerful forces of human sexuality is easier when experienced through the filter of celebrity.
L) Everybody likes to feel smart.
M) Making fun of stupid people is awesome.
N) Admitting that making fun of stupid people is awesome is easier when experienced through the filter of celebrity.
O) Pretty blondes are awesome.
P) Dinosaurs are awesome.
Q) Sharks are awesome.

If these truths are awarded one point each, the Buzz rankings start to make a great deal more sense. Observe:

#5) Rihanna recently survived a domestic assault (A,B) and had her nude photos (C, D) appear on the internet.

Total Score: 4

#4) The Hubble Mission takes place in outer space, which is not only awesome (E), but enables us to take pictures of even deeper in outer space (another E) and perhaps even put those pictures on television (I). Reading about the mission allows us to feel smart (L) and if you really think about it, the Hubble Mission is based on the idea of maintaining a powerful telescope which, we all realize, may one day be turned around towards Earth and used to spy on naked people in the shower (C.)
Total Score: 5

#3) American Idol is on television (I), features popular music (H), and regularly embarrasses its contestants so horribly that they actually become celebrities for it (F, G). At least one of the celebrity hosts (Paula Abdul) appears to be dangerously stupid, which not only makes us feel smart (L), but enables us to make fun of her through that filter (M, N).
Total Score: 7

#2) Carrie Prejean is a pretty blonde (O) who lost a beauty pageant (A) on television (I). She appears to be stupid and fun to make fun of (M), which in turn makes us feel smart (L) . Her comments on gay marriage force us to contemplate the mystery and power of human sexuality (J), and these events have conspired to make her a celebrity (B, J, K, N). As though that weren't enough, her topless photos have recently been seen on the internet. (C, D) If she seemed even remotely embarrassed of any of this, or parlayed it into her own television show somehow, she'd be making a run for the top spot. 
Total Score: 12

#1) Farrah Fawcett is a famous, pretty, blonde (O), television actress (I) who in addition to being one of the most popular sex symbols of the past 50 years, (J, K) has posed naked several times(C,D). She once appeared on David Letterman's show so out of sorts that she made the entire country think that she was really dumb (M, N) and made everybody else feel much smarter (L). This was tremendously embarrassing to her (F, G). Sadly, she is suffering from cancer (A,B), and not just any kind of cancer, anal cancer,  which gets her an extra (A) and (F) right here. Our thoughts and prayers go out to her.
Total Score: 15

And as a final note, I am aware that none of these stories involve either dinosaurs or sharks, which may lead you to wonder why they were included in the initial list of facts. Fair point. But, just for a moment, look over this list, and ask yourself whether it would be more or less compelling to you if anyone in the top five either discovered a clue to the mystery of the dinosaurs or were attacked by a shark. upon reflection, I think you'll agree that despite the lack of dinosaurs or sharks in the top five, they belong on this list for sure.

So enjoy your web searches, geniuses.

I hope you find what you're looking for.  

America is Getting Smarter. Wait, Why Are You Laughing? April 23, 2009 10:59 AM | permalink

"How to Raise Your I.Q.," an Op-Ed piece in the New York Times, was published a week ago but I can't stop thinking about it.  The thrust of the article was about how impoverished kids might raise their intelligence scores with early intervention.  But that's not what has been sticking with me.  It was this bit that grabbed my attention:

"...I.Q. has risen sharply over time. Indeed, the average I.Q. of a person in 1917 would amount to only 73 on today’s I.Q. test. Half the population of 1917 would be considered mentally retarded by today’s measurements..."

This is shocking. Are we really smarter? Am I missing the waves of intelligence crashing on our shores because I spend all day writing about women who attack when they can't get a Pop-Tart or dudes who get arrested for drunkenly jacking steamrollers?

Am I wildly underestimating my fellow countrymen?  Maybe the guy who walks into a bodega and buys a cookie with his pee pee out is a regular Stephen Hawking.  Were the good old days full of drooling dumbasses who were too stupid to realize things actually weren't that good? 

Is the truTV show The Smoking Gun Presents: World's Dumbest a hit because stupidity is becoming a rare commodity?

But seriously, according to the numbers, we have gotten a lot smarter.  Isn't that odd?  Shouldn't we be looking into that? I know we focus on problems like diseases and polar caps melting, but don't you think Obama should set up a smarty pants task force to look into this bizarre build-up of brains?

There's this theory called the Omega Point which says that the universe is constantly racing towards higher complexity and consciousness. I hope we are evolving to be enlightened beings, I guess, but at the same time I wonder...

If people stop doing dumb things, will I be out of a job? 

Shiver me timbers!

Image at top: Einstein equations to send your friends in handy card form.

NSF: NSFW? April 8, 2009 10:50 AM | permalink

In his inaugural address, President Barack Obama said he wanted America to "restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost."

Well, according to The New York Times, members of the National Science Foundation, (the agency that funds and supports research and education in the non-medical fields of science and engineering) have been wielding technology's wonders to raise something else.

They've been watching porn at work.

A lot of it.

According to the article, a letter was sent to the agency Monday by Senators Barbara Mikulski and Charles Grassley, asking the NSF "how the agency could have failed to detect the use of pornography that eventually involved more than 30 employees and extended over 10 years."

Ten years? That's a lot of porn.

The Bush administration was never accused of paying too much attention to science, and with vast amounts of time on their hands one senior staff member was able to send an email describing a vexing problem:

"I am trying to learn how to use cam2cam capability on your asianbabes.com site. I do not seem to be able to do that.”

While it's nice to see that this particular scientist's burning desire for knowledge remained undimmed, one would have hoped there was a more productive way for him to spend his time.

A NSF spokesman said that  the asianbabes addict is no longer with the agency, but the Senators contend that more than a dozen employees viewed or shared sexually explicit materials.

I don't know about you, but I'm starting to think that the only people who weren't watching porn over there were part of a small control group. Still, what's done is done. While I am on board with the Senate telling the members of the NSF to knock off the excessive porn viewing, I hope we can at least use their collected data to get a good study out of it.

Maybe they could scientifically determine that watching it at home would get them in trouble with their wives?

Sore Thumb Dumb February 24, 2009 3:22 PM | permalink

Thanks to a girl who visited a Swiss hospital with mysterious symptoms, researchers now have a name for a "new" skin disorder caused by playing too many video games. For some reason, neither the young woman nor her parents guessed  that the sores on her hands might have come from the several hours she spent each day using a video games. Doctors have dubbed the malady "PlayStation palmar hidradenitis."

Ironically, the same condition had also been found on the feet of kids who regularly engaged in strenuous physical activity.

Listen up, gamers! Nina Goad, of the British Association of Dermatologists, has some insightful advice: "If you're worried about soreness on your hands when playing a games console, it might be sensible to give your hands a break from time to time, and don't play excessively if your hands are prone to sweating."

It seems to me, they're plagiarizing the research published  by a South African teen in 2005, dubbing the condition "PlayStation Thumb."

Informally, they're all plagiarizing millions of U.S. children of the 80s who already gave this malady a name. We called it "Nintendo Thumb".

In the meantime, head on over to Wii Have A Problem  for Wii-related injury entertainment.

Hot Dumb Cow News February 11, 2009 3:39 PM | permalink

In India, manufacturers are working on a soft drink made from cow urine.  The maker says it will be "cheap."   Because surely the only thing that would keep me away from drinking bovine brew is the expense.

Naomi Watts told David Letterman she feels like a "cow" and has a "lactose lobotomy" from breastfeeding. Who else thinks a soda made from her pee would sell?

And speaking of celebrities, a two-week-old calf is big in Japan for being born with a heart on its head.  The owner is hoping some tourist will buy the animal for Valentine's Day.  Why?  Well, otherwise, let's just say his story will be less cute and more like My Bloody Valentine.

Scientists are hard at work collecting cow farts.  Sure, a less gassy cow might save the planet, but it's still gross. 

And of course, you have got to see this video clip of a high-speed police chase through a pasture.  Dashcam footage has never been more cowlicious.  Plus, as if you need another reason to watch, the clip includes Bill Bastone of The Smoking Gun making a cow pun.  Watch it now.