Total Boobs October 29, 2009 9:40 AM | permalink

If you haven't seen a woman smash stuff with her giant melons on a recent episode of The Smoking Gun Presents: World's Dumbest, never fear.  It's right here.  And don't forget there's  an all-new dumb-filled episode tonight at 9PM e/p on truTV.

Seven women were arrested on charges of indecent exposure at a bar in Yulee, FL after they allegedly let it all hang out for a Girls Gone Wild film crew.  Thing is, judging by the mug shots, most of these gals don't look like the type you'd expect, or want, to "go wild."  Mugs and full story here.

In Denver, a slew of bizarre bras, like the sushi support you see at right, are being auctioned off to benefit a breast cancer charity.  The entire do-gooder gazonga garment gallery is here.

Dr. Elana Bodnar has invented a bra that doubles as a face mask so gals can be safe in an emergency, if not entirely supported.  She won an award for this invention from the organization that has given an economics prize to dudes who discovered lap dancers earn higher tips when ovulating.  Heck, today these same science pervs are highlighting a study about bat fellatio. Rock on lusty lab rats!

In the Buff and In the Jail October 13, 2009 11:55 AM | permalink

Seeing as this misconception has come up in the past, it's only fair to spell it out in black and white: If you take off all of your clothes, THE POLICE CAN STILL ARREST YOU.

I wrote about a guy last month who unsuccessfully tried to avoid jail by wriggling out of his pants. Now 36-year-old Julia E. Laack (pictured) from Sheboygan, WI has tried the ploy again, with about the same level of success.

After Ms. Laack was allegedly caught on a security camera last week shoplifting from a convenience store, police say they followed her home and attempted to handcuff her when she stripped down to her bra and panties and started screaming that they couldn't arrest a naked woman.

Sadly, this isn't true, as if it was, you'd probably see a lot more nude women  walking into financial institutions wearing nothing but a pair of six-guns yelling "your money or your life!"

I'm getting a great idea for a screenplay. I see Tarantino directing.

After Laack stripped down, cops say she did something else that was unlikely to endear her to them; she kicked one of officers in the crotch. I have had some limited interaction with policemen, and while I can't say this for certain, I suspect that any hesitancy that they might have had about arresting a naked woman was dissolved at the exact moment her foot hit the groin.

Laack was charged with misdemeanor retail theft, felony battery of a peace officer, two counts of disorderly conduct and resisting an officer. If convicted on all counts, she could serve up to five years in jail.

The Internet Doesn't Know What a Vagina Looks Like October 2, 2009 9:53 AM | permalink

In case you weren't aware of the controversy, the entire internet has its panties (or lack thereof???)  in a twist this afternoon over a millisecond flash of what MAY have been some uncovered lady-parts on a recent episode of So You Think You Can Dance.

By the way, some of these links are not safe for work, unless, you know, they are safe for work.

It's kind of complicated.

Perez Hilton seems to have come out strongly in the "yep, it sure is" camp, whereas The Live Feed is presenting it as a definite "maybe." The Huffington Post has refused to take a stand and has left it up to you, the internet pervert viewer, with a handy poll asking the million dollar question "What are we looking at?" At this writing, "panties crease" is trailing in the polling by more than 30 percentage points.

For it's part, Fox has reportedly contacted TMZ and issued the official statement reading "It is a crease in the young lady's panties."

For our part, we are going to stay out of the entire controversy, and just say thank heavens this didn't happen on Dancing With The Stars, and left us wondering if what we saw was actually Tom Delay's "Republican whip."

Scared Straight? September 21, 2009 4:07 PM | permalink

This weekend at something called the "Value Voters Summit," Michael Schwartz, an aide to Republican Senator Tom Coburn quoted an "ex-gay" friend  as saying "all pornography is homosexual pornography" because "pornography turns your sexual drive inwards."

I understand his point. Like a fine cigar, pornography is often enjoyed alone. And so, by Mr. Weigel's logic, if you're the only person in the room, and you aren't a different sex than yourself, then by definition you're in a same-sex relationship, which makes you queer.

Basically, he seems to be twisting the old Woody Allen line "don't knock masturbation; it's sex with someone you love," into the less-clever "go ahead and knock masturbation, because it's sex with a dude."

That's stupid, but if he just left it there, I might be able to let it go.

But he didn't.

Weigel suggested that if an 11-year-old boy was told that looking at porn would make him gay, he would be less likely to pick up a copy of Playboy.

Really?

When I was 11, it was hard to get your hands on a Playboy magazine. I wouldn't put one down if it was actually on fire. Second degree burns fade, but memories live forever.

It was a different time. 

But even we if ignore the troubling dual assumptions in this scenario, first, that your child will actually believe that seeing pictures of naked women will somehow change him into a person who will never be interested in seeing them again, and second, that his hatred for homosexuals has already developed to such an extent that the fear of becoming one would be enough to reverse the course of these basic urges, his examples are fatally flawed as well.

In this day and age, if you approach an 11-year-old boy and tell him that reading Playboy magazine would make him gay, I suspect he'd look up at you and ask "what's a magazine?"

You Have The Right To Remain...Naked? September 3, 2009 11:32 AM | permalink

If you are ever in the unpleasant situation of being arrested in the United States of America, you will be read a version of the Miranda Warning, informing you of your rights. It goes something like this:

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. At any time during the course of this arrest should you decide to wriggle out of your blue jeans, kick, scream and spit at cops while naked, you should be allowed to go free, because honestly, what judge wants to see your junk? You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.

Wait.

Something in there isn't right.

If you can't guess what it is, your name just might be David Kotowski.

Kotowski, the 41-year-old Massachusetts native was arrested last week for resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and defacing property after a domestic dispute in Somerville. As he was being loaded into the police van after kicking off his jeans, he allegedly yelled "“I’m naked. You can’t take me like this!" 

Despite his interpretation of his rights, he was taken in custody, just like that.

Rump Roasting July 28, 2009 10:02 AM | permalink

We don't mean to crack jokes, butt on Sunday Ricky Berens (pictured) helped the US secure a spot in the 4x100m relay freestyle finals at the world swimming championships in Italy, after his pre-swim stretch caused a wardrobe malfunction. 

 

There is no doubt that Berens delivered qualifying heat before he entered the water, and I'm psyched there's finally some sports news I can get behind.

Private to Wheaties:  The day you put this on the box, is the day I first purchase your cereal.

Naked Came the Dental Patient July 8, 2009 11:49 AM | permalink

Christopher Hoff must really hate the dentist. Really, really hate the dentist.

Not only did the Connecticut man show up five days late to his appointment at Optimus Dental in Stratford but he entered  the facility completely naked, according to cops.

That's when all hell broke lose. The receptionist screamed. Hoff ran away. Police say they found the 41-year-old at his home, except he had changed into blue shorts. They weren't buying the disguise and busted him for on  two counts of disorderly conduct and one count each of public indecency and failure to comply with fingerprinting.

The receptionist was able to identify Hoff by his "blue eyes" and "good tan," according to the police report.

The Thursday Naked News June 18, 2009 12:04 PM | permalink

Is legal to drive your car naked? Naked man driving car (left) says "yes." Cops in DeFuniak Springs, FL say "no."

But wait, cops in Georgia say there is no law against wearing your birthday suit behind the wheel. Justice Sotomayor, a nation awaits your ruling.

Do you love your cell phone? Do you love it so much that you'd hide it "internally" so you could smuggle it into jail?

A teenage boy walked into an all-girls school in India and took of his clothes. Some girls vomited. He must haven't been cute.

Today in Naked Sports June 15, 2009 11:59 AM | permalink

First two have NSFW images:

We've got a clothing optional bicycle ride in London. It was World Naked Bike Day, if you didn't remember.

Rugby players in New Zealand stripped to their birthday suits for a match--which was interrupted when a fully-clothed "streaker" emerged from the crowd.

A gay porn model scandal rocks Nebraska wrestling.

Man arrested for buzzard-watching in Nevada. All the trouble could have been avoided if he'd only thought to bring clothes. Of course, tying himself to a rock probably didn't help matters.

A Thoughtful Analysis of Internet Buzz: Is America Dumb? May 12, 2009 2:45 PM | permalink

This morning the top five most popular search terms on Yahoo buzz were, in order: Farrah Fawcett, Carrie Prejean, American Idol, The Hubble Mission and Rihanna. While it might be easy to look at that list and accuse Americans of being excessively focused on celebrity, and therefore totally dumb, I think it's worth looking deeper. 

It is completely understandable to gather that an intelligent population would be drawn to this list, if one can accept the following these truths:

A) All human beings must deal with adversity and tragedy.
B) Dealing with adversity and tragedy is easier when experienced through the filter of celebrity.
C) Seeing people naked is awesome.
D) Admitting that seeing people naked is awesome is easier when experienced through the filter of celebrity.
E) Outer space is awesome.
F) All human beings must deal with embarrassment.
G) Dealing with embarrassment is easier when experienced through the filter of celebrity.
H) Pop music is awesome.
I) Television is awesome.
J) All human beings must deal with the mysterious and powerful forces that make up human sexuality.
K) Dealing with the mysterious and powerful forces of human sexuality is easier when experienced through the filter of celebrity.
L) Everybody likes to feel smart.
M) Making fun of stupid people is awesome.
N) Admitting that making fun of stupid people is awesome is easier when experienced through the filter of celebrity.
O) Pretty blondes are awesome.
P) Dinosaurs are awesome.
Q) Sharks are awesome.

If these truths are awarded one point each, the Buzz rankings start to make a great deal more sense. Observe:

#5) Rihanna recently survived a domestic assault (A,B) and had her nude photos (C, D) appear on the internet.

Total Score: 4

#4) The Hubble Mission takes place in outer space, which is not only awesome (E), but enables us to take pictures of even deeper in outer space (another E) and perhaps even put those pictures on television (I). Reading about the mission allows us to feel smart (L) and if you really think about it, the Hubble Mission is based on the idea of maintaining a powerful telescope which, we all realize, may one day be turned around towards Earth and used to spy on naked people in the shower (C.)
Total Score: 5

#3) American Idol is on television (I), features popular music (H), and regularly embarrasses its contestants so horribly that they actually become celebrities for it (F, G). At least one of the celebrity hosts (Paula Abdul) appears to be dangerously stupid, which not only makes us feel smart (L), but enables us to make fun of her through that filter (M, N).
Total Score: 7

#2) Carrie Prejean is a pretty blonde (O) who lost a beauty pageant (A) on television (I). She appears to be stupid and fun to make fun of (M), which in turn makes us feel smart (L) . Her comments on gay marriage force us to contemplate the mystery and power of human sexuality (J), and these events have conspired to make her a celebrity (B, J, K, N). As though that weren't enough, her topless photos have recently been seen on the internet. (C, D) If she seemed even remotely embarrassed of any of this, or parlayed it into her own television show somehow, she'd be making a run for the top spot. 
Total Score: 12

#1) Farrah Fawcett is a famous, pretty, blonde (O), television actress (I) who in addition to being one of the most popular sex symbols of the past 50 years, (J, K) has posed naked several times(C,D). She once appeared on David Letterman's show so out of sorts that she made the entire country think that she was really dumb (M, N) and made everybody else feel much smarter (L). This was tremendously embarrassing to her (F, G). Sadly, she is suffering from cancer (A,B), and not just any kind of cancer, anal cancer,  which gets her an extra (A) and (F) right here. Our thoughts and prayers go out to her.
Total Score: 15

And as a final note, I am aware that none of these stories involve either dinosaurs or sharks, which may lead you to wonder why they were included in the initial list of facts. Fair point. But, just for a moment, look over this list, and ask yourself whether it would be more or less compelling to you if anyone in the top five either discovered a clue to the mystery of the dinosaurs or were attacked by a shark. upon reflection, I think you'll agree that despite the lack of dinosaurs or sharks in the top five, they belong on this list for sure.

So enjoy your web searches, geniuses.

I hope you find what you're looking for.