Cougars are Now Preying on Vampires November 18, 2009 2:31 PM | permalink

Vampires may live forever, but alas, a desperate housewife does not.  So, as teenage girls everywhere clamor over the latest big-screen installment of the pubescent Twilight series New Moon, so now, apparently are all those girls’ moms.

There are several websites devoted solely to “adult women and moms” who are obsessed with the vampire series.  One group known as Twilight Moms even infiltrated the film set.  But I felt the blog known as “Twitarded” is really living up to its name. Here's an excerpt:

I can't believe it, but it's finally here!!! After months and months of paying little attention to the countdown widgets scattered everywhere in the Twilight blogosphere, I now get excited every time I come across one (and almost had a heart attack a week or so back when suddenly a bunch of the counters inexplicably said 000:00:00:00). I just stare at them, mesmerized... And savor the closeness of the date - the hour - the minute - the second when the movie starts to roll - squeeeeee!!! It's so close that I can taste it! It tastes like sunshine and lavender and honey...and movie-theater popcorn...and vodka.

Now remember, all these women are over the age of 30.  And if you’re familiar with the novels you’ll note there’s no real sex in them, but that apparently hasn’t stopped horny housewives.  Adult fans are creating their own sex scenes in copious amounts of fan fiction, some of which have themes like "Edward and Bella do steamy office affair," or "Edward and Bella try out S&M."

And here is where it gets really disturbing.  Move over Rabbit; apparently there’s a Twilight sex toy called “The Vamp.”

Don’t any of these ladies have a personal trainer?

It's Trash Day October 27, 2009 9:00 AM | permalink

Here is a gem of a movie preview.  In 1995 Harmony Korine, then 22, received film industry notoriety for writing the depraved urban drama Kids. 

Korine followed it by directing a warped saga Gummo in 1997 and the strangely touching Julien Donkey Boy in 1999, which received international acclaim and includeded a cameo by German mad man director Werner Herzog. 

Korine is also known for his friendship with Ol' Dirty Bastard, the late rap genius from Wu-Tang Clan.  With so many weird artistic accomplishments and associations under his belt, it is fitting then that his next film is his most bizarre creation yet.  This is the brief trailer from Trash Humpers which somehow toes the line between endearing and totally creepy.  Happy Halloween:

Children's Literature FAILs October 20, 2009 10:26 AM | permalink

Looking through a Scholastic book catalog (yeah, that's how I roll), one partially-obscured title behind other advertised "wacky favorites," stuck out:

Farm Flu!

Farm Flu should be a big holiday seller, right? What parent can resist a charming tale of animals getting sick with flu and a child in close proximity?  

In other news, according to CNN, little fans of a 13-sentence classic book called Where the Wild Things Are, remain unimpressed by the new movie of the same name.  Hey four-year-olds, where's your appreciation for dark themes and lyrical cinematic journeys?  Still, gotta say the article quotes a dad who complains his twenty-month-old was bored by it. 

Dude, what are you doing bringing your baby to a movie?  At that age they can concentrate on eating clay, and only for about ten minutes.  Here's a better idea: Take that money and light your farts with it instead.

You're welcome.

28 Days Later In One Minute September 28, 2009 11:16 AM | permalink

Awesome, one more thing I don't have to Netflix. Thanks kooky British people!

Big Dumb Movie Review: Surfwise September 17, 2009 10:18 AM | permalink

Introducing: Dumb movie reviews!  What makes our reviews stupid?  Well, the flicks we take on may not be new (we aren't being given tix to premieres, people) and if you want a serious review (that usually gives away too much of the plot anyways) go to a legit source.  That said, our movie reviews will be 100% funner and probably will help you get a better idea of if it's worth adding to your Netflix.

Movie: Surfwise

Came out: May 2008

Watched: Last night on DVD

What it's about: Documentary about Doc Paskowitz, a Jewish doctor and Stanford graduate who, after two failed marriages, drops out of society to surf. He marries a Mexican-American woman and has nine kids, raising them all in a tiny camper. Their upbringing includes travel and surfing.

Why you will dig it: All nine Paskowitz kids were raised with no money and no school and yet, as adults, they are all very well-spoken and absurdly normal.

What will perplex you: They were raised on beaches, spending a good portion of their childhoods wearing no clothes in the days before sunscreen. And yet, the kids are 35-50, and rather annoyingly, have no wrinkles.

What you will learn: A Mexican/Jewish marriage produces some dang attractive humans.

Unavoidable side effects: You will want to learn how to surf.  You will thank Thor your parents weren't that nuts. You will loathe yourself for having a cushy modern existence and non-surf honed flab.  Also although the second half of the movie gets dull, you may tear up for the heartwarming bit at the end.  

Why you might not want to watch it: The official 10 minute teaser on YouTube kind of shows and tells it all.

Why you should watch it:  Ninety-three minutes of ammunition to remind you that kids totally don't need all the attention and crap you give them.

Dumb Obsession: Singing & Dancing in the City August 25, 2009 3:08 PM | permalink

I get hot watching people in Capezios dance their leg warmers off on the tops of cars.  And I thrill to three sailors who tour their way through Manhattan musical-style.

But I think my favorite example of over the top downtown drama is the fierce torch song sung inside a frozen New York City park in this clip from Milos Forman's film version of the musical Hair.  Here's an animated gif tribute I made to the amazing Cheryl Barnes:

If there's one message to take away here, it's think globally, act locally.  If there's two messages to take away, I'd add singing show tunes in public can help you get your way.

According to Wikipedia, Cheryl Barnes (pictured) was an unagented hotel maid in Maine who did that whole performance in one take.  Holy crap. 

PS How the heck did they get that toddler to stand there obediently for the whole song?  Did they staple his shoes to the pavement?  According to IMDB his name is Rahsaan Curry and by my estimate he'd be in his 30's.  Rahsaan: Where are you now?

Mario Kart: The Movie -- The Next Big Dumb Thing? August 24, 2009 9:48 AM | permalink

From the people who brought you the viral musical sensation Three Wolf Moon comes the drama and action-filled trailer for Mario Kart: The Movie.

Full Disclosure: My kid is in it. That's a behind the scenes pic on the right. For those of you keeping score, my dog just appeared in Puppet Rodeo and now my babe landed the role of a lifetime.* Together they racked up a combined three seconds of screen time in Internet exclusive videos. Is that enough to snag 'em a joint SAG membership?

Anywho, check it out.  The video went public this morn and is sure to be a hit.

*For "the role of a lifetime" my boy was paid unlimited pretzels on set. Does Tom Cruise have it that good? I doubt it.

Hooray! The Recession Is Over! August 18, 2009 11:07 AM | permalink

I know that Americans have been concerned about money, and we face tough choices about what exactly it is we want to spend our hard earned dollars on.

I guess what I'm saying is, if the answer is, paying to watch the next chapter of the epic saga of two cross-dressing, black FBI agents in whiteface who are forced to endure bouts of explosive diarrhea in the ladies room, well, I guess, happy times are here again!

You guessed it, White Chicks 2 is coming out!

Disposable income is back!

YES!

Good Dumb Fun: Taglinr July 28, 2009 9:58 AM | permalink

Taglinr is a new online game for people who love movies but don't really have much movie knowledge.  The game is simple: Match the tagline to the correct movie.  See an example below:

I love it because I don't need to remember who is in the flicks, what awards they may have won or anything other than what you think their basic premise is based on the poster.  Taglinr is hardest when the line tells you absolutely nothing about the movie.  e.g. "Journey beyond your imagination" and "Where everything seems possible but nothing is as it seems."  I think I have a knack for this game because I have spent years as a copy jockey shilling stuff for large companies. But maybe I'm kidding myself...I haven't had a run with more than eight correct answers in a row.

Only improvement?  It could use better stats.  Like a running tally of all your rounds and your percentage of correct answers.  Then again, it might be depressing to see how much time you've actually wasted playing this iditotic, totally addictive online thingy.

Do you love this game or do you find it a snore? What's your best run?  Let me know in the comments.

The Stupidest Star Wars Items On The Internet July 21, 2009 11:30 AM | permalink

I was born in the early 1970's, a long time ago, in what now seems like a galaxy far, far away, I lived in a world in which everything that had to do with Star Wars was unquestionably awesome, even the anti-smoking PSA's. Back then, every Star Wars movie was great, and if even if you had a gripe with all the Muppety Ewok stuff in Return of the Jedi, you had to admit that at least George Lucas had the stones to kill one of them. Then the prequels arrived and we went from a world in which all Star Wars movies were great, to one where they pretty much sucked (give or take a few cool lightsaber fights.)

To this day, there are some on the internet who cannot let go of the good times, and for every totally awesome Ryan vs. Dorkman video or Death Star Beachball there are at least five ridiculous wastes of  time. Here are the worst offenders:

#5The iPhone Lightsaber App

It's an application for your iPhone that makes lightsaber noises when you wave it around. If only I had an "app" to replicate the sound of the satisfying facepalm I did when I heard about this. It's free, because everyone at Apple knows they'll get another another 200 bucks when you have to  replace your phone after throwing it against the wall in an imaginary Jedi duel.

#4 Pottery Barn Re-releases Star Wars Sheets

Star Wars sheets are kind of cool. I had them when I was a kid. They are selling them in the Pottery Barn Kids section, and it might be fun to give your children the same fun sheets you had, right? There's only one problem. They are also available in queen-size. If you buy queen-sized Star Wars sheets from  Pottery Barn, you are neither child nor adult. So ask yourself, Peter Pan, was your childhood stolen from you because you were busy singing "I Want You Back" in 1972? If the answer is no, society is unlikely to be forgiving. Of course, if the answer is yes, you're dead anyway, so you have no excuse.

#3) Star Wars Chipmunk Photographer

I tried not to focus on fans of the movies who were just expressing their love in unconventional ways. Then I realized this idiot is just staging photo shoots with Star Wars interacting with chipmunks. There's no story there, no real jokes, no adaptation, just Star Wars toys...and chipmunks. Normally, I'd say that it's time for this person to go outside. Go inside.

#2) Darth Porkchop

This spread all over the internet after a German guy found a porkchop that resembles Darth Vader. Not kosher.

#1) Bow Tie Fighter T-Shirt  

This is offensive in so many ways, it's almost difficult to comprehend. When your starting point is the tuxedo tee shirt, and you manage to make it even nerdier with not only a Star Wars reference, but a terrible pun, you deserve to be thrown in T-shirt prison, with this guy as your cell mate. Making this even worse is the self-satisfied "look how hilarious I am!" look on this guy's face. I know, you think that you are laughing along with Michael Scott from The Office. You ARE Michael Scott from the office.