Dumb Criminal of the Week - Vote Now! November 6, 2009 5:21 PM | permalink

I'm thrilled to announce that we have two "winners" this week.

You Dumb Criminal lovers have voted and hands-down found Permanent Marker Masked Bandits Matthew Allan McNelly and Joey Lee Miller the Dumbest Criminals of the Week. Their Moms must be sooo proud.

Now here's this week's nominees -- once again all are pictured at left to help refresh your memories. Polls will be open for one week only!

MONDAY: She Made Him An Offer He Easily Refused

TUESDAY: The Lord Sees All

WEDNESDAY: Here Kitty, Kitty, Smile For The Camera

THURSDAY: Cops Don't Buy Man's Bottom Line

FRIDAY: Bad Call On Pot Robbery

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Baby Have We Got Stupid Links November 6, 2009 3:27 PM | permalink

Photos of old people playing Guitar Hero.

John Devore has broken up with smoking.  In his words, "She did nothing for me: made me stink, emptied my bank account, and wreaked havoc on my health...On the plus side, she never called me crying at three in the morning. And she made me look so cool...She tasted great with whiskey...I knew she’d never leave me, and she’d keep me company when I was lonely, or up until five in the morning hack writing. Ours was a relationship devoid of the threat of rejection. We had planned on having many beautiful tumor babies together. But now, I’ve kicked that bitch to the curb."  Read the whole story right here on The Frisky.

Oh ya, real babies shouldn't smoke, blah blah blah... but ceramic babies can!  Get yours here.

Speaking of wrong: Hairless bears in Leipzig, Germany.  Ewwww.

World's most disturbing Christmas ornament (pictured right) can be yours for only $40 plus shipping.

Or you can be the first on your block to own this crap and glitter-filled "shower art."

Three wolf moon shirt goes all literate and stuff.

Bra-freakin'-vo!  Buzzfeed decides to attempt to open a bottle of wine in the magical shoe against a wall method demonstrated by that anonymous drunken Frenchman in the viral video -- and it works!

Bad Call on Pot Robbery November 6, 2009 3:21 PM | permalink

Dumb Move #1:  Calvin Hoover, pictured, made an angry 911 call early Tuesday morning from a Salem, OR bar parking lot to report someone broke into his truck, stole his jacket, $400 in cash and about an ounce of marijuana, according to police.

Dumb Move #2:  Hoover made a second 911 call about an hour later, police say. He was  really angry that the cops hadn't yet shown up to help him. The dispatcher had a little trouble understanding the "victim" this time, however, because Hoover had to stop several times during the call to vomit.

Dumb Move #3: When the cops did in fact catch up to Hoover, the 21-year-old allegedly told them he was looking  for the guys that stole his weed.

He was arrested for DUI.

The Salem police also took the time to school Hoover on dumb moves. Officers advised him that tipping them off about the marijuana was probably a stupid idea.   If they had caught him with it, he would also have been charged with possession.

Got Any Toe Cheese To Go With Those Slippers? November 6, 2009 12:51 PM | permalink

Yep, it's for real. Shoes made from bread.  A Lithuanian design team has come up with a series of edible, wearable slippers.

Guess they come in handy if you get hungry in the middle of the night.

By the way, I hear they run small, so you should buy a half-loaf larger than your normal size.

So Obvious Why He Didn’t Put A Ring On It! November 6, 2009 12:46 PM | permalink

Police arrested a Tennessee woman on Wednesday for allegedly making several non-emergency calls to 911. Eh, not so unusual right?

But the excuse?

As dumb as it gets.

Police say Hee Orama, pictured, called to complain that her boyfriend lied about wanting to marry her.

Dispatchers told Orama, 34, to stop but according to reports she kept on dialing. So the cops came to her home and put her in jail.

Now here’s what makes the story even dumber.  Police say they also arrested Orama last week for repeatedly calling 911 because she couldn't find her car.

Men--they just don’t know a good catch when they have it.

'Sorry, Teach, I Forgot My Homework... At the House I Robbed' November 6, 2009 9:00 AM | permalink

It's a story that sounds like a plot line from Saved by the Bell: The Truancy Years or Little Rascals: Home Invasion.

Monday afternoon, two boys from Woonsocket High School in Rhode Island skipped class to break into a house. They stole some video game systems, grabbed their bags, and headed back to school figuring they got away with it - but there was one little problem.  Namely, one of the boys accidentally dropped his homework leaving the house.

When police got to the scene, they found the homework which conveniently had the perp's (or should I say twerp's?) name written on it. Needless to say, a few hours later the kids found themselves in the principal's office getting arrested.

The teens were charged with breaking and entering, then released to their parents' custody, but they are also now being investigated for ties to several other break-ins that have recently occurred in the area.

Bottom line?  Ain't no bell that can save these big rascals.

How-To's & How-Not-To's Video Dump November 5, 2009 4:03 PM | permalink

One of the most popular videos of the week, with the best back story: Drunk forklift driver totally destroys a liquor warehouse. Gives new meaning to the term “under the influence.”

Everyone loves a good how-to video. Here’s a clever trick on opening wine bottles without a corkscrew. God, I really coulda used this in college.  I’m also throwing in a video on how not to open a wine bottle without a corkscrew for good measure.

And this one from Daily Motion’s truTV channel is not for the squeamish. Check out this skateboarder’s freakish arm accident. And he doesn’t even flinch!

Six minutes of people doing random, non-useful stuff with actual useful stuff.  It’s strangely captivating. Oh, and Chinese take-out thrown in for good measure. 

Don’t have time to sit around and scrounge the internet the video that’s all the latest rage? Luckily Metacafe has a mix of the best web video’s ever.

You Can't Get Married He-ah If You're Quee-ah. November 5, 2009 2:52 PM | permalink

In another stunning victory for people who like to make laws about things that don't affect them all, Maine has narrowly passed a referendum overturning the law that legalized gay marriage in that state. 

I mention this because the News Pulse feature (pictured) on CNN.com shows that while it was a popular story, more than twice the number of people decided instead to read a story about Dolly Parton and Jessica Simpson twittering about their boobs. If you want to interpret this as an abject lesson about the wisdom of straight up-and-down, issue-based ballot initiatives, you probably could, but why press it?

In case you didn't read the Maine article, it did include one exceptionally dumb quote:

Scott Fish, a spokesman for Stand for Marriage Maine, said the campaign had never been anti-gay.  "The campaign was very clear about that," he said by phone Wednesday. "This was a campaign about protecting traditional marriage."

C'mon now, Scott.

If this campaign isn't anti-gay, than what are you protecting traditional marriage from? Bears?  If this is the case, I'm sorry, because I know there are a ton of bears in Maine and if they are getting into wedding ceremonies and causing damage, something definitely needs to be done.

If this law was all about allowing you to shoot any bear that entered into an area where a wedding was taking place, I'd be all for it. I had a traditional wedding, and so did my gay cousin who was married in Maine, and at neither event was anyone attacked by a bear.

But, I haven't been back to Maine in a long time, and if bears are regularly showing up at weddings, mauling guests and burrowing their wet snouts deep into meticulously prepared wedding cakes, I would be fully behind your measure. 

But even then, I wouldn't be dumb enough to tell people it wasn't anti-bear.

Cops Don't Buy Man's Bottom Line November 5, 2009 12:53 PM | permalink

Just when officers thought they heard it all, a Florida man allegedly used a bowel movement malfunction as the excuse for exposing himself in a busy parking lot.

On Monday, two women called police after seeing a naked man shaking his hips inside a white Chevy van outside of a North Naples Walmart. The Collier County Sheriff's Office say that they responded and found David Todd Napodano, pictured, "in plain view" at the same location nearly an hour later. 

When confronted, Napodano told police he had “explosive diarrhea” and was using his underwear to clean-up.  But, according to reports, upon examining Napodano’s tighty-whities, no evidence of that nature was found.

Wow, what a relief for the poor deputy on the losing end of that coin toss.

Napodano was arrested and charged with indecent exposure.

Philly Mayor Jinxes World Series? November 5, 2009 12:38 PM | permalink

With the inevitability of a giant plodding beast, the New York Yankees won their first World Series Championship of the 21st Century last night, on the back of Most Valuable Player Hideki Matsui's Godzilla-sized bat.

Baseball blogs have been saying that Mariano Rivera should have taken home the MVP award, but in our opinion, that honor should go to Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter, who said YESTERDAY, that The City of Brotherly Love would not be paying for any victory parades.

And sure enough- he was right.

I don't think he should worry though, Philadelphia sports fans seem like a pretty reasonable bunch.

I'm sure they won't hold a grudge.