Move Over Jenny Craig; Now There’s Something Creepier October 28, 2009 2:12 PM | permalink

Who wants to weigh-in with a group of strangers, or eat all your pre-planned meals out of a cardboard box, or gasp, go the hi-tech way to diet “Tweet What You Eat,” just to lose a few pounds?  How mortifying! Well, apparently, now you have a new solution.

One generous gem of a guy is offering his services on craigslist "casual encounters" page to help attractive pudgies attain their peak physique.  And it won’t cost you a penny.  Check it out:

Ever been with an extremely sexually dominant guy?

I have had huge success with fat girls submitting control of their diet/exercise routine to me, and, as a result, losing all the weight they've ever dreamed of.

You trust a man enough to let him do whatever he wants with you, you take a direct order to lose weight and you're told how. How can you possibly mess it up?

And my reward? One extremely grateful, hot little girl that would do anything for me :)

The only requirements are low self-esteem and legal insanity. 

Does anyone know how to get in touch with Kirstie Alley?  It sounds like the perfect reality TV show in the making.  You turn on the telly expecting to watch The Bachelor, and you get The Biggest Loser.

And, by the way, investigating the casual encounters section of craigslist is part of my job.

25 Nicknames for 1 Dude's Penis October 21, 2009 10:07 AM | permalink

Writer and long-time Maxim Radio personality John Devore (pictured) begins with a simple tale:

"I hooked up with a woman once who, right before I pulled the ripcord on my action pants, cooed into my ear, 'What do you call him?'"

He didn't have an answer.  Now he's got a (short & curly) hair over two dozen.

From The Starship Bonerprize to Zipperpocalypse, after reading 25 Approved Nicknames for my Genital Organs you can feel confident when entering Devore's member's only member club.

Of course, he doesn't say what would happen if a lass strayed from the list and didn't use a green-lit moniker.  You've gotten the wang warning, so proceed at your peril, Penelope.

Related: John is also a frequent columnist for our friends at The Frisky.  Check out his bio and articles and stuff here.

Scared Straight? September 21, 2009 4:07 PM | permalink

This weekend at something called the "Value Voters Summit," Michael Schwartz, an aide to Republican Senator Tom Coburn quoted an "ex-gay" friend  as saying "all pornography is homosexual pornography" because "pornography turns your sexual drive inwards."

I understand his point. Like a fine cigar, pornography is often enjoyed alone. And so, by Mr. Weigel's logic, if you're the only person in the room, and you aren't a different sex than yourself, then by definition you're in a same-sex relationship, which makes you queer.

Basically, he seems to be twisting the old Woody Allen line "don't knock masturbation; it's sex with someone you love," into the less-clever "go ahead and knock masturbation, because it's sex with a dude."

That's stupid, but if he just left it there, I might be able to let it go.

But he didn't.

Weigel suggested that if an 11-year-old boy was told that looking at porn would make him gay, he would be less likely to pick up a copy of Playboy.

Really?

When I was 11, it was hard to get your hands on a Playboy magazine. I wouldn't put one down if it was actually on fire. Second degree burns fade, but memories live forever.

It was a different time. 

But even we if ignore the troubling dual assumptions in this scenario, first, that your child will actually believe that seeing pictures of naked women will somehow change him into a person who will never be interested in seeing them again, and second, that his hatred for homosexuals has already developed to such an extent that the fear of becoming one would be enough to reverse the course of these basic urges, his examples are fatally flawed as well.

In this day and age, if you approach an 11-year-old boy and tell him that reading Playboy magazine would make him gay, I suspect he'd look up at you and ask "what's a magazine?"

Open Mic Moron September 10, 2009 11:04 AM | permalink

Another day, another creepy fat old married "family values" (read: anti-gay) politician makes us ill with his sexed-up scandals. 

Thanks to Mike Duvall -- pictured here on his website as though nestled in a veritable duvet of American flags -- bragging about his illicit trysts with lady friends all on a live microphone during a Assembly Appropriations Committee meeting, we got to hear tons of inappropriate Assemblyman TMI.  Spanking!  "Little eye-patch underwear"!  Plus other comments about "dripping" and ewwwwwwww... can't go on.  And allegedly the ladies are married lobbyists!

Whee!

Apparently, he may not have been outed by sources if he'd just kept a lid on his lewd elocution.  From the KCAL 9 reporter, "According to sources he loves to talk about his -- quote -- sexual conquests....it makes us all feel very uncomfortable, but it's very difficult to get him to change the subject."

Duvall has just resigned and now Gov. Arnie needs to call a special election to fill this dude's seat, which will cost nearly half a million dollars, not like Cali needs the money -- cough -- or anything.

Oh and on Duvall's website he's not copping to any affairs, just "inappropriate story-telling."

Final dumb thought: OK wait, "little" eye-patch underwear?  Isn't that redundant?  Nobody has peepers that would be big enough for granny panties except a cyclops, right?  

Political Sex Scandals: What's Going On Now? July 2, 2009 10:22 AM | permalink

There's no two ways around it. The first decade of the 21st century has provided steady, constant innovation in the field of sex scandals in government.

Given the fact that in three short years we have seen the Governor of New York resign after spending thousands of dollars on high-priced call girls, a Senator  from Idaho end an 28-year career in the  House and Senate after pleading guilty to homosexual lewd conduct in an airport restroom, a Democratic candidate for President have an affair with a staffer while his wife had cancer, and the unmarried, teenage daughter of the abstinence-preaching Republican candidate for Vice President not only announce she was pregnant during the campaign, but then have to watch the estranged father discuss the details of their sexual relationship with Tyra Banks, well- it's just darn impressive is all.

When you add in the Governor of South Carolina, whose recent martial infidelities not only "crossed the line," but crossed the equator, it just makes the whole Clinton Lewinsky thing seem not only quaint, but very last century.

So, if all of that frankly outlandish sexual behavior was going on then, it kind of makes you wonder- what's going on now?

I mean right now.

If five years ago, I would have said "I bet Senator Larry Craig is going to get arrested for trying to solicit sex in an airport bathroom," I would not be taken seriously. But here we are. So, despite the fact that none of the following allegations have any basis in fact, I'd like the envelopes please.

Senator Charles Schumer (left): A furry. His downfall will come when he is discovered under the bleachers of a Brooklyn Cyclones game, dressed as a Care Bear and dry humping Sandy The Seagull.

Utah Governor Jon Huntsman: Asian fetish. Will be found with several crates of shokushu goukan, otherwise known as Japanese tenticle porn in his office.

House Minority Leader John Boehner: Ladies, it was never really pronounced BEY-ner. And he'll show you all why, right on national television. You know what I'm sayin' here. Awww, yeah.

Arkansas Senator Blanche Lincoln: A man. You heard it here first. That chick's packing.

Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman: No adultery here, just nude photos, which will appear on Wonkette, along with hilarious viral "reaction videos" of people viewing the pics for the first time:

The scandal? He's uncircumcised.

This Pole's Only Big Enough for One of Us... April 21, 2009 12:15 PM | permalink

A stripper turf war broke out in Akron, OH Friday night when 52-year-old Jo Nolan (pictured) showed up for her first day at the Club 1245 strip bar and was allegedly attacked by another dancer. The other performer, who goes by the name "Beautiful," approached Jo in the changing room and told her the club "didn't need any more dancers." She then picked up a stiletto and hit Jo in the face with it, according to police. Not such beautiful behavior. Jo was taken to Akron General Medical Center to stitch up her head wounds. Jo retired from exotic dancing 20 years ago, but in these tough economic times the grandma was looking to keep clothes on her back by taking them off.

You can judge for yourself whether you would have given this 52-year-old your dollar bills as the local Action News snagged an interview with the victim.

Man Has Sex Drive. Literally. April 13, 2009 3:56 PM | permalink

"Let's take it slow..."

Presumably, that's not what a woman in Norway said to a man who was caught speeding down the highway while having conjugal relations with her.

When police officers on patrol spotted a car going 20mph over the speed limit and swerving from side to side, the officers soon found out the man had a lady friend sitting on his lap - doing stuff. Sexual stuff.

Cops taped the whole sordid speedy affair  - you know, for evidence - before finally pulling the man over at a rest stop.

The 28-year-old driver is looking at a possible fine and, most likely, a long hard ban from the road.

Not a Nugget of Decency April 3, 2009 12:28 PM | permalink

In Australia, a pimp allegedly paid a 16-year-old prostitute in chicken nuggets. 

Nuggets? That's a new low. I mean, sliders, sure. 

But only with ranch sauce.    

Cops: Co-Ed With Crush Went Nuts February 25, 2009 9:59 AM | permalink

Say hi to Chalie Simon.

A sophomore at the University of Colorado, Chalie, angry that her ex-boyfriend, Job Donkor,  had not called her, showed up at his home early Saturday morning and found another woman in Donkor's bed.

That's when she allegedly became irate and squeezed Donkor's testicles. Hard. Not in the good way, either.

She was arrested outside the apartment for domestic abuse and third degree assault. 

Donkor, whose "third degrees" were still pretty sore,  told police officers that they had been together for about 18 months and "broken up 20 times" since then. That's a breakup about every 27 days. Wow. If I knew a little less about Chalie, I might tell her to get a grip.

Tonya Harding & Todd Bridges: Full Throttle February 24, 2009 11:11 AM | permalink

Breaking babe bombshell: Did Tonya Harding actually have a Flashdance-esque body double in her purported sex tape?

To find out, watch as the former figure skater and actor Todd Bridges talk sex tapes, checkered pasts and President Obama in an exclusive behind the scenes video straight from the set of The Smoking Gun Presents: World's Dumbest.

Related: We're got a brand spanking new Facebook page loaded with show goodies just for fans of The Smoking Gun Presents: World's Dumbest right here.  Join now!