Man Stripped of His Senses Makes Premature 911 Call November 24, 2009 2:25 PM | permalink

Police arrested a Franklin, IN man early this morning for allegedly leaving his five-year old out in a truck, while he hung out in a topless bar. Oh, and did I mention he called the cops on himself?

Donald Crawford, pictured, phoned 911 around 1:15am after he left Sassy Kat’s Show Club to report his truck stolen and kid missing.

Here’s a little 911 excerpt:

Dispatcher:  Were you in a business or something?

Crawford: No, I was at whatever this little strip club is.

Dispatcher: You left him in the truck to wait for you?

Crawford: He was sleeping.

But, according to reports, when the officers arrived, they found the truck right where he left it outside of the bar.  Police say he was just simply too drunk to remember where it was parked. 

Police found Crawford’s son inside, watching cartoons on TV. The keys were in the ignition and the door was unlocked.

A bartender told cops Crawford was inside the club drinking for 45 minutes.

Crawford is charged with felony neglect and public intoxication.

Pulling Your Kid's Loose Tooth 2.0 November 23, 2009 12:51 PM | permalink

Chewing gum, biting into an apple, or the old tying one end of a string to your tooth, and the other to a door knob and slamming it: these are the methods of pulling out loose grinders that have been enjoyed passed on, and keeping the tooth fairy in business from generation to generation.

But, apparently, those simple tricks weren’t good enough for one family, who instead had to employ a radio controlled car, a cat and some pretty slick videography to remove their little girl’s chomper. 
Blame technology, blame the” You Tube,” craze, blame boredom. I blame dumb parents.

So, I want to know what you think.  Are those parents dumb or clever?

Cougars are Now Preying on Vampires November 18, 2009 2:31 PM | permalink

Vampires may live forever, but alas, a desperate housewife does not.  So, as teenage girls everywhere clamor over the latest big-screen installment of the pubescent Twilight series New Moon, so now, apparently are all those girls’ moms.

There are several websites devoted solely to “adult women and moms” who are obsessed with the vampire series.  One group known as Twilight Moms even infiltrated the film set.  But I felt the blog known as “Twitarded” is really living up to its name. Here's an excerpt:

I can't believe it, but it's finally here!!! After months and months of paying little attention to the countdown widgets scattered everywhere in the Twilight blogosphere, I now get excited every time I come across one (and almost had a heart attack a week or so back when suddenly a bunch of the counters inexplicably said 000:00:00:00). I just stare at them, mesmerized... And savor the closeness of the date - the hour - the minute - the second when the movie starts to roll - squeeeeee!!! It's so close that I can taste it! It tastes like sunshine and lavender and honey...and movie-theater popcorn...and vodka.

Now remember, all these women are over the age of 30.  And if you’re familiar with the novels you’ll note there’s no real sex in them, but that apparently hasn’t stopped horny housewives.  Adult fans are creating their own sex scenes in copious amounts of fan fiction, some of which have themes like "Edward and Bella do steamy office affair," or "Edward and Bella try out S&M."

And here is where it gets really disturbing.  Move over Rabbit; apparently there’s a Twilight sex toy called “The Vamp.”

Don’t any of these ladies have a personal trainer?

Interview: Sam Apple, Author American Parent November 5, 2009 9:34 AM | permalink

Sam Apple (pictured) is the editor-in-chief of The Faster Times and author of Schlepping Through the Alps which was a finalist for the PEN/Martha Albrand Award for First Nonfiction. Apple’s work has appeared in a variety of publications, including The New York Times, Financial Times, and ESPN The Magazine. 

His latest book, American Parent: My Strange and Surprising Adventures in Babyland, explores the history of baby-rearing along with Apple's own hilarious and personal take on being plunged into the oft bizarre world of modern parenthood.

First the facts: How many kids do you have? Ages?

Three -- ages three, one, and one. I don't remember what sleep is. 

What’s the dumbest thing you’ve done as a parent?

That's a tough one. So many to choose from. Leaving the $700 stroller my father-in-law bought for us in Target is up there.

What is the kookiest facet of modern parenting you discovered while researching your book?

Well $700 strollers themselves are pretty kooky. But it's not just about strollers. Parents -- myself included -- are spending a lot of money on kooky toys and gadgets. One my favorites -- though I don't own one, alas -- is the Potty Monkey that is supposed to teach your children how to use the bathroom. It calls out to be taken to the bathroom periodically, and if you ignore it, it eventually announces that it has had an accident.

You once poured baby shampoo into your own eyes? Please graph and explain. No seriously, just explain.

I know it sounds like the dumbest thing of all time -- and, indeed, it might be -- but there was some logic to it. I had noticed that despite using "no tears" shampoo, my son always cried when we shampooed him. It occurred to me that though the shampoo makers said it didn't hurt, we really couldn't be so sure, since babies can't talk. There was only one way to find out... And, sure enough, it stings.

There’s been an explosion of toys, music and classes engineered to make babies smarter. Have you tried any of these and do you think a kid whose mom plays tambourine in a circle with them before they are a year old has an intellectual leg up? Basically, do toys and classes engineered to make kids smarter work?

No, I don't think they work. A good rule of thumb is that if a toy or class or kids show claims to be "developmental," it's almost certainly b.s. But I don't think that that's necessarily reason to abandon all the toys or classes. The classes can still be fun and the products, if they keep your baby occupied for a while, can help get you through some tough parenting moments. We've taken music classes with our kids not because I expect them to be great musicians -- or musicians at all -- but because they seem to have fun shaking the little instruments -- okay, mostly they just suck on the instruments. The classes would actually be much better if the teachers weren't forced to pretend like they were educational.

According to a professor quoted in the NY Times “I.Q. has risen sharply over time…Half the population of 1917 would be considered mentally retarded by today’s measurements.” So if not the new-fangled baby learnin’, what accounts for this?

This one is far outside my area of expertise. I think it's possible that the complexity of life in the modern world makes a difference. But I think we can safely say it's not the new-fangled baby learning. If there is a way to make babies smarter, no one has figured it out yet.

Is it true that natural childbirth is actually a Stalinist plot?

Sort of. The Lamaze Method does come from Stalinist Russia. It used to be known as the Pavlov Method. To make a long story very short, the Soviets wanted more women to have babies and they didn't have many drugs to ease the pain. The government pressured scientists into coming up with a pain-free natural birth program and the scientists then explained how it worked using Soviet--approved scientific theories that had been discredited decades earlier.

You found that there may be “a universal theory that can explain the origins of circumcision in many diverse cultures.” Well there may be time travelers amongst us or a as of yet undiscovered all-natural calorie-free version of Alfredo sauce. There may be lots of things… cough up some answers, Apple!

Well, I mean, something has to explain how so many different cultures came up with something so nutso on their own. Though there are plenty of theories, no one knows for sure. My own best guess is that it has something to do with a universal urge to make sacrifices to a higher power in exchange for rewards. If you really want to prove to God that you're serious about your sacrifice, you have to do something extreme. And circumcision is almost as extreme as you can get. You can go further. And some cultures have sacrificed children. But cultures that did that didn't tend to stick around for so long.

I think “family bed” is for parents who are weak-willed and can’t say no, resulting in the parents rarely getting nookie and nobody getting any sleep. But family bed practitioners think anyone who would boot their kid out of bed and leave them to cry it out are cruel humans who are permanently despoiling their kid’s self-esteem. So be honest, who’s right?

Well, I think you're closer to being right. I think people should sleep with their kids if they want to and that it can be a wonderful thing -- yada yada. But there's no evidence one way or the other as to how it might affect someone years later.

According to your book’s PR “Revenue from the sale of baby products has almost tripled since the mid-1990s, and the average American child now receives seventy new toys a year.” What could account for this sudden rise?

There are a lot of different theories and it's probably a combination of a lot of different factors: women tend to buy more of these products and moms now have more income and economic independence than ever before; people are having kids when they're older and have more disposal income; Americans were on a spending spree that only came to an end very recently. I think the biggest factor is probably the more sophisticated marketing to parents. I made the mistake of entering our son's birthday on some website and three year's later I'm still getting emails about what products he needs.

Before motherhood I once looked at a friend’s toddler scarfing down french fries at a diner and said I would never let mine do that. Flash ahead to now, and if I actually get to eat out in public with child, I am willing to give fries I.V. as a way to keep the kid happy and actually have a conversation. Is there anything you swore you would never do as a parent but now do?

I've definitely let my kids watch more baby videos than I thought would. When all three of them are screaming, the choice sometimes feels like Baby Einstein or suicide. I mean, who cares if it makes your kid smarter. Baby Einstein is really for parents.

You live in Park Slope, Brooklyn, a place that seems to have more strollers than mold spores. Do you feel heightened parenting pressure being surrounded by so many savvy urban parents?

The only time I've really felt the pressure is with respect to the lunches I make for my son. It seems like the other kids are all eating things like almond-crusted crepes filled with summer vegetables and sprinkled with fresh lemon juice. Can a crepe be almond-crusted? I just made that example up. The point is, they are eating fancy things I can barely pronounce and my son is eating peanut butter sandwiches on weirdly shaped -- something always seems to go wrong when remove the crust -- slices of bread.

What was your wildest experience researching your book?

I think it was probably when I went on a stakeout with a professional nanny spy. Like every dumb guy, I'd always dreamed of being on a stakeout. But it's sort of hard to sustain the fantasy of being on a topic secret, life-or-death, mission when you're sitting in a van waiting to see if a nanny puts a hat on a baby or not.

What’s the smartest advice you can offer to new or expecting parents?

Be skeptical of all the claims you hear for baby products or classes. The products and classes can be fun and useful, but when they claim to help your baby develop or become smarter, etc., there's usually very little -- or nothing -- to substantiate the claims.

Photo credits: Author image by Aaron Liebman; Joseph Stalin from the Library of Congress online catalog; baby and toys by Susie Felber; Sam Apple and his son by Morgan Levy

Dumb Dad Uses Kid to Draw Dates August 14, 2009 9:53 AM | permalink

On Sunday, a man in Michigan got caught allegedly using his seven-year-old son to pick up chicks.

The unnamed man instructed his son to ask women "if they would like to meet his dad so he could have a mother," according to Utica Police Detective Sgt. David Faber. When the ladies shot him down, the kid would start to cry, hoping to persuade the broads with his bawling.

Remarkably, the ploy didn't get the man any dates, but it did manage to get his ass threatened by some men in the park who didn't think this pick-up tactic was on the up and up.

The man faces a disorderly conduct charge (and Child Protective Services will be notified), but IMHO, this "Big Daddy" is just guilty of watching too many Adam Sandler movies. Maybe he should get himself a puppy.

The Problem is a Parent July 7, 2009 12:02 PM | permalink

When young celebs flutter about, regaling the tabloids with slips of both the Freudian and nip varieties, it's cute.  Until it turns leave-Britney-alone tragic, that is.

  But when the parents of these half-naked national treasures try to keep up with (or outdo) their kids' antics, it's just gross. I mean, Jesus Christ Bail Bonds, you guys, everyone knows you can't out-famous your famous offspring.

But they try, oh how they try (see Michael Lohan, left). Here's a gallery of parents shoving their way into the spotlight.  Enjoy this phenomenon while it's here, because for all we know the d-bag birthrate may drop due to unwillingness to bring a child into a world without Michael Jackson.

The Woman Who Doesn't Want Her Cake or Eat It Too June 16, 2009 1:52 PM | permalink

Is MeMe Roth, a New York mother of two who dedicates her life to keeping junk food out of the mouths of America's children, a visionary genius whose good deeds might save our nation's help? Or is she a puritanical raving dummy who wants to police our every action?

Read this and let us know.

Today in Misleading Headlines... June 4, 2009 4:51 PM | permalink

From the Boston Fox affiliate:

"Missing Baby Found in Sandwich"

What's that you say? Sandwich is the name of a town? Ohhhhhh.

I thought maybe the parents of a seriously small preemie had brought their baby to work with them at Subway and accidentally threw it on top of a five dollar foot long.

Who's Your Daddy? May 20, 2009 12:21 PM | permalink

Last week, a Fox news station in Dallas reported something crazy: a local woman's 11-month old twins have two different fathers. Wha?! When I first read this, I thought it must be some kind of a joke, but, nope, it's actually a "miracle of science" (and adultery).

In a story straight out of Maury, Mia Washington cheated on her husband while his sperm had already fertilized one egg in her womb and got another egg fertilized by her lover. After the birth, the couple started noticing the twins looked nothing alike, got a DNA test, and, WHAM-O, found there is a 0% chance the babies have the same dad.

Even crazier? These aren't the first twins to have different daddies. Back in 1993, a Dutch woman gave birth to a set of twins of different races. The hospital suspects that during invitro fertilization the nurse double dipped the baster and mixed the father's sperm with another man's. Woopsy.

Cheerios vs. The Feds May 14, 2009 10:59 AM | permalink

The Food and Drug Administration has a beef with a certain oat-based cereal: They are calling Cheerios a drug.  

The claim on the box that the little toasted o's reduce cholesterol by "four percent" can only be made by approved drugs, say the FDA, and the agency is demanding General Mills correct its advertising or risk being snatched off the shelves.

(I bet every parent of young children just passed out after reading that, so let me give you a minute to recover...)

Now, in this original Dumb As a Blog video, watch as a federal agent* gets heavy-handed with a heavy user of this illicit drug.

*OK not a real federal agent. My brother. And the cute little star of the video is his spawn Sebastian.