Hide your naughty drawers, sex-shop robberies are sweeping the nation
February 8, 2012 11:00 AM | permalink
An abundance of sex-shop robberies have recently occured across the country, with pervy perps allegedly stealing things like "Mega Masturbators" and "Pipedream Extreme" sex dolls.
Are people that desperate for sexual release that they need to steal dirty playthings from porn stores? Many of these horny thieves aren't even stealing money out of the registers — they're merely after the pleasure toys... and that's it! Click here for a list of the recent robberies, and be sure to store your naughty unmentionables in a lock box.
Sex Shop Robberies Hit Adult Stores Across The Country (PHOTO)
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Posted by Tina
Dumb news: man tries to rob bank using McDonald's apple pies as his weapon
February 6, 2012 5:00 PM | permalink
Just desserts An unnamed suspect was arrested last Saturday after allegedly placing what he claimed was a bomb in front of a bank teller and demanding money. Police say the package turned out to be a McDonald's bag containing apple pies. If I was the teller, I would have given up the money too. Those things can really do a number on the roof of your mouth. [Sacramento Bee]
Rmoney talks They say a picture is worth a thousand words. In Mitt Romney's case, this one is worth...boy, how much is Romney worth again? He's a rich guy, is what I'm saying. Check out the picture. [Happy Place]
Patriot games Perhaps unsurprisingly, "allowing an opponent to run the ball into your endzone unchallenged" remains a losing strategy in the Super Bowl. [Associated Press]
Running with the big dogs If you tell me you are taking your dogs and your kid for a walk, am I automatically going to call you dumb? Probably not. Of course, the equation changes slightly if I don't know you have 42 huge Saint Bernards. [YouTube]
Randy travesty Country singer arrested for behaving like country song. [People]
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Posted by Ritch
Florida woman blames DUI on big boobs
February 6, 2012 11:00 AM | permalink
Florida resident Maureen Raymond (pictured, left), a self-proclaimed busty woman, was recently arrested for reckless driving, allegedly reeking of booze and slurring her words. Raymond blamed her failure to pass a sobriety test, along with many other things, on her "big boobies."
Yea, my big breasticles keep me from conducting perfectly legal behavior all the time, too. Speeding ticket? Sorry, but my boobs accidentally floored the gas pedal, officer. Parking ticket? I can't walk that far because my boobs are too darn heavy. Seatbelt ticket? Well, let's chat about this one when they make seatbelts over 40-feet long.
Florida Woman Busted For DUI Blames Poor Driving On Big Boobs
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Posted by Tina
Alleged killer who wanted to wear bear suit way less smart than the average bear
October 3, 2011 2:44 PM | permalink
A New York man plotted to kill his ex-girlfriend by dressing up as a bear and making her death look as though she had been mauled by a large animal, claim prosecutors.
Believe it or not, it's not as dumb as it sounds. It's actually way dumber than your imagination is picturing it. He actually planned to find a bear, skin it and wear it as a costume while he used the bear's mighty claws to shred his ex-girlfriend to pieces. The only way that could remotely have a chance of working is if he also managed to steal the bear's powerful muscular and skeletal systems and infuse them with his own biological makeup. Of course, that wouldn't work because this guy probably gets a headache from trying to figure out any kind of science whether its bio-mechanical engineering or the egg in a milk bottle trick on "Mr. Wizard's World".
When his brain somehow managed to help him realize that wouldn't work, he asked a demolition driving friend if he could run her own with his car. The friend told police and had him arrested as part of an undercover sting. So technically, an actual bear would have been a smarter move because the bear would not only do the deed, but he would also have the good sense to provide him with an alibi for no more than the cost of a "pic-a-nic basket."
Man Planned to Kill Ex-Girlfriend While Wearing Bear Suit
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Posted by Danny Gallagher
Robber armed with asthma inhaler steals beer, head butts police car
September 26, 2011 5:06 PM | permalink
Police in South Carolina arrested a man who tried to rob a liquor store by pretending an asthma inhaler was a gun.
And believe it or not, it gets dumber.
Continue reading "Robber armed with asthma inhaler steals beer, head butts police car" »
Posted by Danny Gallagher
Dumb burglar removes his disguise after his victim suggests it
September 24, 2011 10:09 AM | permalink
A robbery victim in New Orleans who was held up in her car and drove to an ATM to get money for the suspect was able to identify the suspect because he removed his mask at the victim's suggestion so they wouldn't arouse suspicion in public, say police.
In other words, the victim said, "Why don't you take that mask off, the one thing that's keeping me from identifying you if you're ever arrested on another unrelated charge and believe me, that will happen because you're clearly about as sharp as a bowling ball with two holes in it?" Then the robber said, "Yeah, ok."
The craziest part of the story is his criminal record. He has a total of 18 prior felony and misdemeanor arrests and ZERO convictions on charges that include stolen property, theft, simple burglary and disturbing the peace. Something tells me that the janitor for the offices of the Orleans Parish District Attorney's Office probably spends a good bit of his time mopping up drool. Maybe the city's tourism board should take a page from Las Vegas' ad campaign and change their slogan to "What happens in New Orleans stays off your criminal record."
Third Possible Suspect Arrested in Orleans/Jefferson Home Invasions
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Posted by Danny Gallagher
Three beer thieves are a trifecta of dumb
September 23, 2011 5:06 PM | permalink
Three California boys who tried to steal a 30-pack of beer crashed their car, hit an employee as they tried to get away and ran through a working car wash as police chased them. They got caught because one of them left their ID at the scene.
Ahhh, youth, thanks to a heavy diet of hormones and testosterone and good ol' American puberty, there is no end to your boundless stupidity. So basically the kids didn't need alcohol to get stupid. Nature did that for them.
Each one of them had something to be ashamed of, on top of the fact they just tried to walk out of a store with a pack of beer without any thought of planning or concealing what they were doing. Their lack of common sense might be legendary but it's also understandable how it happened. Every guy reading this remembers what it's like to be a teenager and our endless pursuit of sweet alcohol that society deemed us unworthy to enjoy, but our puberty riddled bodies didn't turn us into raging neanderthals who would beat someone over the head with a rock just to get some. Girls' boobies made us do that.
Three arrested in bungled beer heist in Covina
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Posted by Danny Gallagher
Pulling a gun on a Taco Bell employee for not giving you hot sauce is mucho dumbo
September 22, 2011 4:20 PM | permalink
A Kansas City man who didn't get any hot sauce with his Taco Bell meal demanded the drive-thru clerk correct his order by pointing a loaded shotgun at him.
This story might just seem like another case of a drunk guy with a gun going crazy at any random fast food establishment. However, if you peel back the layers of this heavily armed alcoholic who obviously isn't getting enough protein to power his brain (possibly because he's eating at a place where concepts like "meat" are afterthoughts), there lies a deeper truth.
Posted by Danny Gallagher
Dumb bank robber shows stolen cash on Facebook and still manages to be dumber
September 15, 2011 3:38 PM | permalink
A bank robber alerted authorities to his identity and whereabouts when he posted pictures of himself with money he allegedly stole from three Brooklyn banks on his Facebook page and changed his Facebook name to "Willie Sutton Jr.," a reference to the profilic bank robber from the 1930.
It never ceases to amaze me when some dumb lawbreaker thinks they can still get away with what they've done by bragging about their exploits on social networking sites like Facebook where everyone and their mother can see them. The only way they could even have a remote chance of not being noticed is if they did it on MySpace.
This one, however, takes being dumb to Mach 2 by not only showing off the money he stole by posting pictures of himself with the loot, but also by renaming himself after a famous bank robber and espousing his most famous credo for robbing banks because "that's where the money is" to encourage others to do the same. On the other hand, he could have a promising career on Wall Street.
Facebook "Willie Sutton Jr." Busted for Bank Heights
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Posted by Danny Gallagher
Look, up in the sky! Is it a dodo? Is it a Kardashian? No, it's a really dumb robber
September 9, 2011 2:58 PM | permalink
A 48-year-old mentally disabled man who lives on Social Security checks and part time pay from a McDonald's in Granite City, Missouri lost his extensive collection of 1,800 Superman comic books to a robber who tricked the man into letting him in his home.
Just how low does your life have to be to drive you to steal the heart and soul of another human being? There are plankton at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean that would actually stop and think about doing something like this before they did it.
I sincerely hope that whoever did this is reading this and feels so bad about what they have done that it not only convinces them to return every last scrap they took from this guy, but that it also makes them realize the only way they can earn the mega-ton of karma they just lost is by selling their useless organs to third-world orphans. Of course, that's a pretty big "if" since the dolt who did this probably can't read in the first place.
Super fan could use a hand from Superman
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Posted by Danny Gallagher
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