You Had A Bad Day November 17, 2008 10:47 AM | permalink

Any loser can get arrested for a dumb crime. But it takes a special kind of idiot to be booked by cops twice in 28 hours for being stupid.

Say hello to Donald L. Johnson.

The 42-year-old New York state man was arrested Thursday night after he had reported that a safe had been stolen from his garage. Police say they recovered the lockbox and found it had been taken by a man with whom Johnson was getting high. They also say the it contained three ounces of marijuana.

After taking Friday afternoon off, Johnson again incurred the watchful eye of local authorities early Saturday morning when they noticed him driving a lawnmower. With his buddy on the hood. In the middle of Glens Falls. At 12.09am. On his way to a pub in order to sell the vehicle. After he allegedly had been drinking and smoking pot.

He was charged with 10 violations, including driving while ability impaired by drugs, aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle,  driving an unregistered and uninspected motor vehicle, not using headlights and not wearing seat belts.

Dumb Criminal of the Week Vol. 20 November 14, 2008 4:20 PM | permalink

The 20th Dumb Criminal of the Week Poll welcomes you!

Last week we saw record voter turnout. With 2,104 of you participating, Mommy Dumbest got 28% of the vote and Dope Down There got 27%, making this race almost too close to call.  But since we're not going to have a recount or the Supreme Court getting up in our grill we'll call it for Mommy Dumbest!

Now check out this week's nominees and then VOTE!

Monday 11/10: Drunken Duo Fare Game Sez Cops

If the cops call a cab for your drunk a$$, don't skip out of paying the fare. 

Tuesday 11/11:  Sardines, Wieners and Smackdowns -- Oh My!

Cops say a fight ensues after woman helps herself to world's most disgusting snacks.

Wednesday 11/12: Pray For Florida's Dumb Soul

Man allegedly drinks a case of beer, pees on church and blacks out.

Thursday 11/13: Dopey Karaoke

This story is a bit like "American Idol" meets "American Gladiator."

Friday 11/14: What a Card!

When you break into a house, don't leave your business card.

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Vote now!

What a Card! November 14, 2008 2:29 PM | permalink

Damon Bonnell, 31, allegedly broke into a woman's home and, surprised to find her there, told her he was selling a car.  When the homeowner said she wasn't interested in the vehicle, he claimed he fixed computers and handed her a business card, according to police in Hillsborough County, NH.

Cagey detectives followed the name and address on the card and arrested Bonnell on burglary charges.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this story  will not bechronicled on an upcoming episode of "Forensic Files." But never fear -- if there's any video evidence, you might spy it on a future edition of "The Smoking Gun Presents: World's Dumbest Criminals."

Dopey Karaoke November 13, 2008 9:59 AM | permalink

Kyle Drinkwine (pictured) 24, didn't like what he heard from a heavy metal karaoke performance and assaulted the offending singer and his friend, according to police in River Falls, WI.

Drinkwine faces battery, disorderly conduct and probation violation charges.  Check out The Smoking Gun to see the full report and find out the cover that offended him.

While this incident is unfortunate, it is not without precedent: The Smoking Gun points us to the tale of Lindsey Lawrence, a 21-year-old gal in Seattle who was arrested last year on charges that she assaulted a man for his shoddy karaoke rendition of a Coldplay song.

Do you hear wedding bells?  Or maybe just them doing a "I Fought the Law" duet?

Pray For Florida's Dumb Soul November 12, 2008 2:06 PM | permalink

Hot on the heels of our recent story of a guy busted in Florida for allegedly stealing communion wafers, comes this tale of another unholy act in the Sunshine State.

Raymond C. Kersey (pictured) 43, drank a case of beer and answered the call of nature on the home of the higher power, according to cops in Fort Pierce, FL.

To put it simply: He peed on a church and got busted.  Allegedly.

Police say Kersey didn't remember doing it.  He was arrested for disorderly intoxication. 

Although I am against people committing crimes, I would like to thank the man (or woman) upstairs for creating Florida and thus, making my job so much easier. 

Tomorrow, let us all hope a guy accidentally lights his privates on fire while trying to rob a Tampa bodega.

Amen.

PS Don't forget to vote in our Dumb Criminal of the Week Poll!

Sardines, Wieners and Smackdowns -- Oh My! November 11, 2008 11:55 AM | permalink

Maxie L. Davis (pictured) 43, was watching television with his ex-girlfriend when she popped open his cans of sardines and Vienna sausages, according to police in Fort Pierce, FL.

Wait, why did the police get involved?  Although those foods are empirically disgusting and should probably be outlawed, they are not illegal to consume.  Not yet, anyways.

Davis did not like this lady friend helping herself to his treats and proceeded to punch her several times, according to cops, who  arrested him for battery.

Davis claims she was only "a friend of a friend" who had come over to smoke crack and then proceeded to flip out.  I can't believe he was arrested.  Don't cops usually love the "only there to smoke crack" defense?

Related criminal dumbosity: Sausage as a weapon and sausage smuggling.

PS: Enter our caption contest now for a chance to win a Dumb As a Blog shirt!

Drunken Duo Fare Game Sez Cops November 10, 2008 2:48 PM | permalink

Police officers in Chattanooga, TN arranged to get  a cab for two men, believing the duo too drunk to drive.  However, once the pair arrived at their destination and found out how much the fare would cost, one of the men allegedly said he was getting the money from his truck, but they both bolted -- taking off in the truck instead.

What the men might not have guessed is that the cabbie would chase after them at speeds of up to 80 m.p.h., to retrieve the $50 he was owed.

The police arrested the two and there's entertaining yet perplexing video in which one of the suspects claims "crazy women" are the cause of his legal troubles. Pardon me boy?  Is that the Chattanooga numskull?

Dumb Criminal of the Week Vol. 19 November 7, 2008 4:49 PM | permalink

Suffering from election withdrawal?  No worries -- get your voting fix with our 19th Dumb Criminal of the Week Poll! 

Last week, much like America, we had record voter turnout here. With over 1,948 votes in, our moron-elect grabbed over 50% of the vote and captured the nation's imagination with Grand Theft Auto: Puppy Edition.

Our new nominees are...

Monday 11/3: Absolut Stupidity

Woman allegedly offers homeless man into her car for cocktails in exchange for an alibi. 

Tuesday 11/4:  Mommy Dumbest

If you are too drugged to drive, your 13-year-old isn't the smartest choice to chauffeur.

Wednesday 11/5: Crack In Crack Is Especially Whack

Is that a crack pipe in your butt or are you just happy to see me?

Thursday 11/6: Police: We Found Her H-Spot

Cops: It's a boy!  It's a girl!  No, it's 20 bags of heroin!

Friday 11/7: Naked Cell Tower Climb Gets Chilly Reception: Cops

Our token male dumb criminal allegedly spends seven nude hours atop a cell phone tower.

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Now let's keep the passion going and vote!

Naked Cell Tower Climb Gets Chilly Reception: Cops November 7, 2008 12:43 PM | permalink

If Andrew Arnold (pictured) was seeking more bars when he allegedly disrobed and spent seven hours atop a cell phone tower, he got them, in the form of an arrest by police in Collin County, TX.

Arnold now is accused of criminal trespass, disorderly conduct and fleeing from police.  These charges, he might be surprised to learn, are not the kind you can use to power up a phone.

Police: We Found Her H-Spot November 6, 2008 11:37 AM | permalink

If ever there was a story to convince young people to stay away from drugs, it's probably this.  A woman charged with selling narcotics had to be hospitalized to remove copious amounts of heroin she had stashed in her vagina, according to cops in Bridgeport, CT.

Latasha Martinez, 35, allegedly had 20 bags of dope down there, presumably ready to be sold at market value once they could be extracted from her hidey hole.  She faces a variety of drug charges and was held in lieu of bail and I'm sure the doctor who had to go spelunking for the smack had a great dinnertime story for his family.

After yesterday's tale of a woman who allegedly had crack in her crack, my esteemed dumb editor asked if it was possibly National Hide Drugs In Your Body Crevice Week.  If so we didn't get the memo.

NOTE:  Don't forget to vote in our latest Dumb Criminal of the Week Poll and enter our second-ever Caption Contest for your chance to win a Dumb As A Blog shirt!  FYI Those hot T-shirt models you see here are real truTV.com employees who posed for me!