Move Over Jenny Craig; Now There’s Something Creepier October 28, 2009 2:12 PM | permalink

Who wants to weigh-in with a group of strangers, or eat all your pre-planned meals out of a cardboard box, or gasp, go the hi-tech way to diet “Tweet What You Eat,” just to lose a few pounds?  How mortifying! Well, apparently, now you have a new solution.

One generous gem of a guy is offering his services on craigslist "casual encounters" page to help attractive pudgies attain their peak physique.  And it won’t cost you a penny.  Check it out:

Ever been with an extremely sexually dominant guy?

I have had huge success with fat girls submitting control of their diet/exercise routine to me, and, as a result, losing all the weight they've ever dreamed of.

You trust a man enough to let him do whatever he wants with you, you take a direct order to lose weight and you're told how. How can you possibly mess it up?

And my reward? One extremely grateful, hot little girl that would do anything for me :)

The only requirements are low self-esteem and legal insanity. 

Does anyone know how to get in touch with Kirstie Alley?  It sounds like the perfect reality TV show in the making.  You turn on the telly expecting to watch The Bachelor, and you get The Biggest Loser.

And, by the way, investigating the casual encounters section of craigslist is part of my job.

Get Your Juice On... July 21, 2009 4:04 PM | permalink

I've never had a Jamba Juice.

Generally, if I'm going to spend $7 for a non-alcoholic beverage, it better be in some kind of commemorative keepsake plastic cup.  But if I was disinclined to have a drink from that chain, I am doubly disinclined now that they have launched an ad campaign that blatantly rips off David Ree's "Get Your War On."

Ree is also responsible for the hilarious "My New Fighting Style is Unstoppable," and has decided to get his war on and fight back, emblazoning his site with the message "Juice Sux, Drink Wine!," and suggesting his readers to  purchase their own juice machines.  Ree seems to come out the winner, as he has drawn sympathetic tweets and blog posts from all over the web.

So how long will it be before someone takes a version of the ad, and slaps a keyboard cat at the end of it?

By Thursday, I predict.

Top 10 Dumb Infomercials June 26, 2009 1:32 PM | permalink

Last week, a commercial for the Comfort Wipe (a product to help you reach your private bits on the toilet) became a viral video hit - reaching the number four spot on AdAge's viral video chart. Presumably, a lot of people thought this was a joke ad, but it was a real product. "Was" being the operative word. It seems video views did not translate into sales in this case, and the Comfort Wipe has since been removed from the marketplace.

In the time of Snuggies and ShamWows, America is clearly dazzled by a great (the definition of great being highly subjective) infomercial and I'm no exception. Without further ado, my top ten favorite ridiculous products:

10) The Comfort Wipe - I'm truly just intrigued that Americans have gotten so lazy we can't even wipe our own asses anymore, but I suppose this would be handy if you're the Half Ton Mum.

9) The Egg Genie - 'Cause boiling eggs on the stove is so much work! The invention of this should have been an indicator that The Comfort Wipe wasn't too far behind.

8) The Slap Rap Chop - Not all that ridiculous on its own. Becomes ridiculous when remixed into a rap.

7) Loud 'N Clear - Thinly veiled as a way to help the elderly hear better, while clearly pointing out it's real market is with nosy pervs.

6) The Thinny Hair Holder - If you still haven't let 80s sky-high mall hair go or you are a beauty queen from Arkansas.

5) The Kush Support - I don't have big jugs, but I'm pretty positive if I did, this wouldn't be a problem, and I'm also pretty sure I would stick a pair of socks in there before I dropped $55 bucks on this product.

4) The Wearable Towel - If I ever meet a man wearing one of these in toga form, I will marry that man.

3) The Tiddy Bear - Who doesn't want to get molested by a teddy bear?

2) The Hawaii Chair - Truly a classic. This one speaks for itself.

1) The Uro Club - Tee time? More like pee time! 

What are your favorite infomercials? Let us know in the comments.

Furniture Store Tweets and Becomes a Twit June 24, 2009 3:00 PM | permalink

Habitat, a United Kingdom furniture store,  made a pretty distasteful blunder this week when one of its employees got caught trying to use the election controversy in Iran as a way to promote the retailer on Twitter.

Apparently, whomever was tweeting for the company (they declined to identify who was responsible) decided a great way to get eyes on Habitat's tweets would be to add some most popular hashtags (keywords that direct searchers to tweets on a topic) to all of their posts. This idea in itself is actually pretty smart, but quickly became dumb as soon as said tweeter tweeted: "#MOUSAVI Join the database for free to win a £1,000 gift card."

For their sake, I should hope the employee didn't realize what "Mousavi" was. But seeing as though other current popular hashtags include "Transformers 2," "Spain," and "Megan Fox" couldn't they have just skipped over the one they didn't recognize? I hear fans of Megan Fox love gift cards.

Habitat has issued an apology and removed the tweets from its account.

Yet Another Sign That Print Is Dead May 6, 2009 9:33 AM | permalink

A hard as it may seem to be believe, not only is The Boston Globe teetering on the edge of extinction, but the magazine Girls and Corpses is alive and well.

Or, you know, as alive as a magazine that bills itself as a "combination of Maxim Magazine and Dawn Of The Dead" really can be.

I don't know what the solution will be, but if in the future we start seeing the 137 year old Boston Globe starting to run ads for a guy who designs custom-made Jason Voorhees masks, maybe they're finally paying attention to what succeeds in this crowded print market.

Alberta, We Hardly Knew Ya April 28, 2009 1:18 PM | permalink

Come to Alberta!

As one of the most beautiful and exciting Canadian provinces, (other than say, British Columbia, Ontario or Quebec) Alberta is not only home to the cities of Calgary and Edmonton, but can also boast that it's WAY more exciting than it's southern neighbor, that pulse-pounding thrill ride of a state known as North Dakota.

So you can't blame the government of Alberta for wanting to get the word out.

Springing into action, they produced a tourism slogan, "Freedom To Create, Spirit To Achieve" and sold it along with a photo of two beautiful, windswept children, frolicking on a beach. Not bad, right?

Photograph by: Government of Alberta, Edmonton Journal

In fact, it was SO good, that Alberta resident Peter Bailey, who grew up in Ontario, and had been suffering under the impression that there was no water in his new province, excitedly contacted the government to find out where the beach was. After repeated attempts, he discovered the truth: the picture was taken in England.

"Freedom to Create" indeed.

What follows is one of the most amazing pieces of public relations BS in the history of recorded time. From the Edmonton Journal:

"This slide represents Albertans' concern for the future of the world," Olga Guthrie, manager of the brand initiative for Alberta's public affairs bureau, wrote to Bailey..."There's no attempt to make people think that this is Alberta," says Tom Olsen, the premier's director of media relations. "There's no attempt to mislead. That picture just fit the mood and tone of what we were trying to do." In fact, says Olsen, the picture was specifically chosen because of its foreign location to represent Albertans' interest in global issues. In the province's promotional video, he notes, the voice-over that accompanies the picture speaks of Alberta's interest in the future, not just of the province, but of the world."The children are a symbol of the future. They symbolize that Albertans are a worldly people."

And now, as though there wasn't evidence enough that there really isn't a heck of a lot to do in Alberta, the press is turning up the heat.  Not only did they force the government to apologize, but they have tracked down the little British girl from the ad. Her name is Holly Preston, she's now 15-years-old, wants to be a history teacher someday, and no, she's never been to Alberta. On the bright side, she did say that she's seen some pictures of the province, and "if those are real photos, I'd love to come visit someday."

Well, here's a real photo of Alberta, Holly:

 

I'm sure they'll see you real soon.

Ticketmaster (of Puppets) January 28, 2009 11:52 AM | permalink

So, I'm going to see Metallica live this Sunday, and I'm pretty excited about it. I'm a big fan, and this new album represents a real return to the hardcore speed metal that defined them. It should be a great show. But that's not the dumb part. The choice stupidity this morning comes from Ticketmaster, who had a few suggestions on upcoming shows that I, as a fan of arguably the greatest metal band in the world might additionally want to purchase tickets for.

Here's the email:

Really, Ticketmaster?

Dancing with the Stars?
Britney?
Andres Rieu?
(Full disclosure, I've never heard of this guy, but his website doesn't exactly scream "metal.")

Whoever was responsible for this event alert should pulled out of his office in front of his terrified co-workers, stripped nude, covered in hot tar, marched past everyone in the building, strapped to the receptionist's desk and flogged, so that his physical pain and humiliation could serve the additional purpose of motivating his co-workers to never again repeat his stupidity. They could even put it on pay-per-view. 

Now that's an upcoming event I might enjoy.

Carnivores: 1, Women who Have Sex with Broccoli: 0 January 27, 2009 1:29 PM | permalink

What with the Lingerie Bowl getting canceled, (for of all reasons, too much nudity,) it's shaping up to be a pretty weak Super Bowl Sunday in the T & A department. 

Here's a link to a (barely) safe for work ad spot that NBC recently nixed for the big game. The video, produced by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, claims that vegetarians have better sex, and proved it by, um, showing a bunch of attractive half-naked women screwing everything in the produce aisle. I'm not quite sure of the logic, but whatever it is, it's gotta beat that Super Bowl commercial from a couple years ago where that robot from GM forecast the economic collapse of the big three auto companies, the housing market and pretty much the entire global economy.

Yeesh. No wonder people aren't buying cars. On balance, seeing a 30 second clip of a bunch of models grinding their way through a raw food bar doesn't seem that bad. What we thought was far more racy, was the  itemized list of NBC's objections to the ad, thanks to an email that PETA reprinted on its website.  As you read it, keep in mind that the woman who wrote that email, the one whose job it is to keep our children safe from the pumpkin humpers, is Vice President of Standards and Practices for NBC, which means she probably makes more money than you.

At the Horny Market, More Than Produce is Fresh November 19, 2008 11:01 AM | permalink

Last night I ordered Thai food with my man.  It was delivered in the shopping bag you see below that is from a chain of grocery stores in New York and New Jersey.  The tagline got my attention:

"Yearning for you"?  Whoa.  That's kind of extreme, right?  This place doesn't just want your business, it totally wants your bod! I don't want to be stalked while I buy asparagus, get squeezed while I'm picking out lemons or have worry the staff wants a piece of me whilst contemplating cakes.

At the same time, it's kind of awesome.  At most supermarkets, they don't care if you live or die, as long as they don't have to do a clean up in aisle three.  But these shops burn for me.  Hmmm.

OK Bogopa, I'm sold on you and your dumb advertising.  Keep yearning for me and I'll see you soon. 

Now, what to wear?