Interview: Sam Apple, Author American Parent November 5, 2009 9:34 AM | permalink

Sam Apple (pictured) is the editor-in-chief of The Faster Times and author of Schlepping Through the Alps which was a finalist for the PEN/Martha Albrand Award for First Nonfiction. Apple’s work has appeared in a variety of publications, including The New York Times, Financial Times, and ESPN The Magazine. 

His latest book, American Parent: My Strange and Surprising Adventures in Babyland, explores the history of baby-rearing along with Apple's own hilarious and personal take on being plunged into the oft bizarre world of modern parenthood.

First the facts: How many kids do you have? Ages?

Three -- ages three, one, and one. I don't remember what sleep is. 

What’s the dumbest thing you’ve done as a parent?

That's a tough one. So many to choose from. Leaving the $700 stroller my father-in-law bought for us in Target is up there.

What is the kookiest facet of modern parenting you discovered while researching your book?

Well $700 strollers themselves are pretty kooky. But it's not just about strollers. Parents -- myself included -- are spending a lot of money on kooky toys and gadgets. One my favorites -- though I don't own one, alas -- is the Potty Monkey that is supposed to teach your children how to use the bathroom. It calls out to be taken to the bathroom periodically, and if you ignore it, it eventually announces that it has had an accident.

You once poured baby shampoo into your own eyes? Please graph and explain. No seriously, just explain.

I know it sounds like the dumbest thing of all time -- and, indeed, it might be -- but there was some logic to it. I had noticed that despite using "no tears" shampoo, my son always cried when we shampooed him. It occurred to me that though the shampoo makers said it didn't hurt, we really couldn't be so sure, since babies can't talk. There was only one way to find out... And, sure enough, it stings.

There’s been an explosion of toys, music and classes engineered to make babies smarter. Have you tried any of these and do you think a kid whose mom plays tambourine in a circle with them before they are a year old has an intellectual leg up? Basically, do toys and classes engineered to make kids smarter work?

No, I don't think they work. A good rule of thumb is that if a toy or class or kids show claims to be "developmental," it's almost certainly b.s. But I don't think that that's necessarily reason to abandon all the toys or classes. The classes can still be fun and the products, if they keep your baby occupied for a while, can help get you through some tough parenting moments. We've taken music classes with our kids not because I expect them to be great musicians -- or musicians at all -- but because they seem to have fun shaking the little instruments -- okay, mostly they just suck on the instruments. The classes would actually be much better if the teachers weren't forced to pretend like they were educational.

According to a professor quoted in the NY Times “I.Q. has risen sharply over time…Half the population of 1917 would be considered mentally retarded by today’s measurements.” So if not the new-fangled baby learnin’, what accounts for this?

This one is far outside my area of expertise. I think it's possible that the complexity of life in the modern world makes a difference. But I think we can safely say it's not the new-fangled baby learning. If there is a way to make babies smarter, no one has figured it out yet.

Is it true that natural childbirth is actually a Stalinist plot?

Sort of. The Lamaze Method does come from Stalinist Russia. It used to be known as the Pavlov Method. To make a long story very short, the Soviets wanted more women to have babies and they didn't have many drugs to ease the pain. The government pressured scientists into coming up with a pain-free natural birth program and the scientists then explained how it worked using Soviet--approved scientific theories that had been discredited decades earlier.

You found that there may be “a universal theory that can explain the origins of circumcision in many diverse cultures.” Well there may be time travelers amongst us or a as of yet undiscovered all-natural calorie-free version of Alfredo sauce. There may be lots of things… cough up some answers, Apple!

Well, I mean, something has to explain how so many different cultures came up with something so nutso on their own. Though there are plenty of theories, no one knows for sure. My own best guess is that it has something to do with a universal urge to make sacrifices to a higher power in exchange for rewards. If you really want to prove to God that you're serious about your sacrifice, you have to do something extreme. And circumcision is almost as extreme as you can get. You can go further. And some cultures have sacrificed children. But cultures that did that didn't tend to stick around for so long.

I think “family bed” is for parents who are weak-willed and can’t say no, resulting in the parents rarely getting nookie and nobody getting any sleep. But family bed practitioners think anyone who would boot their kid out of bed and leave them to cry it out are cruel humans who are permanently despoiling their kid’s self-esteem. So be honest, who’s right?

Well, I think you're closer to being right. I think people should sleep with their kids if they want to and that it can be a wonderful thing -- yada yada. But there's no evidence one way or the other as to how it might affect someone years later.

According to your book’s PR “Revenue from the sale of baby products has almost tripled since the mid-1990s, and the average American child now receives seventy new toys a year.” What could account for this sudden rise?

There are a lot of different theories and it's probably a combination of a lot of different factors: women tend to buy more of these products and moms now have more income and economic independence than ever before; people are having kids when they're older and have more disposal income; Americans were on a spending spree that only came to an end very recently. I think the biggest factor is probably the more sophisticated marketing to parents. I made the mistake of entering our son's birthday on some website and three year's later I'm still getting emails about what products he needs.

Before motherhood I once looked at a friend’s toddler scarfing down french fries at a diner and said I would never let mine do that. Flash ahead to now, and if I actually get to eat out in public with child, I am willing to give fries I.V. as a way to keep the kid happy and actually have a conversation. Is there anything you swore you would never do as a parent but now do?

I've definitely let my kids watch more baby videos than I thought would. When all three of them are screaming, the choice sometimes feels like Baby Einstein or suicide. I mean, who cares if it makes your kid smarter. Baby Einstein is really for parents.

You live in Park Slope, Brooklyn, a place that seems to have more strollers than mold spores. Do you feel heightened parenting pressure being surrounded by so many savvy urban parents?

The only time I've really felt the pressure is with respect to the lunches I make for my son. It seems like the other kids are all eating things like almond-crusted crepes filled with summer vegetables and sprinkled with fresh lemon juice. Can a crepe be almond-crusted? I just made that example up. The point is, they are eating fancy things I can barely pronounce and my son is eating peanut butter sandwiches on weirdly shaped -- something always seems to go wrong when remove the crust -- slices of bread.

What was your wildest experience researching your book?

I think it was probably when I went on a stakeout with a professional nanny spy. Like every dumb guy, I'd always dreamed of being on a stakeout. But it's sort of hard to sustain the fantasy of being on a topic secret, life-or-death, mission when you're sitting in a van waiting to see if a nanny puts a hat on a baby or not.

What’s the smartest advice you can offer to new or expecting parents?

Be skeptical of all the claims you hear for baby products or classes. The products and classes can be fun and useful, but when they claim to help your baby develop or become smarter, etc., there's usually very little -- or nothing -- to substantiate the claims.

Photo credits: Author image by Aaron Liebman; Joseph Stalin from the Library of Congress online catalog; baby and toys by Susie Felber; Sam Apple and his son by Morgan Levy

Q And A with Werewolf Author and truTV Blogger Ritch Duncan October 29, 2009 11:56 AM | permalink

Over the history of Dumb as a Blog, we've had many well-known authors on our masthead.

Honore de Balzac (pictured) spent some time on the "Dumb Criminal" beat in 1831-1833, but editors had to let him go when he began getting drunk at bars around town and saying unkind (but true) things about our parent company's annual Christmas food drive.

Franz Kafka also spent a while contributing to the site in 1911, but his depressing tone and sad insight into the nature of man didn't really fit with our light-hearted spirit.

And the old salts who were here when Norman Mailer covered "Dumb or Clever," mostly just laugh about the time Mailer challenged our copy editor to a fistfight over an issue involving split infinitives.

This fine literary  tradition continues with Ritch Duncan (below), our blogger who recently co-wrote The Werewolf's Guide to Life : A Manual for the Newly Bitten, published by Broadway Books.

During the work day Ritch is normally very busy watching old Boston Bruins games on YouTube and sexually harassing interns, but he was kind enough to answer a few of our questions in order to plug his book.

What has been the reaction to your book from the werewolf community?

They have been overwhelmingly supportive. Still, werewolves are people, and sometimes people disagree. Some have claimed that publishing facts about werewolves could be dangerous to them. We feel that suppressing the truth for fear that some werewolf hunter might misuse the information is like blocking sex education because it might cause kids to have sex. If a werewolf hunter is devoted enough, he can find out most of this himself, but if he reads it in our book, he might also see a picture of lycanthropes as well-adjusted, high-functioning members of society who are managing their condition safely.

Everyone knows vampires are hot now. Why write a book about werewolves? Do you simply have a bad agent?

They say "write what you know," and what we know is werewolves. If we only sold a single copy of the book and it found its way into the hands of just one newly-bitten werewolf who then learned how to safely restrain himself during his moons, thereby saving not only his life but the lives of his neighbors, loved ones and pets, it would all have been worth it.

All we can really tell you about vampires or, as we describe them in the book, "the smug, effeminate undead," is that they are to be avoided at all costs. They are jerks, and like to sleep with other people's wives. We're happy working with werewolves. Our agent, Byrd Leavell at the Waxman Literary Agency, is neither a werewolf nor a vampire, and has been great.

Who would win in a fight between a werewolf and Godzilla?

Assuming Godzilla is real, there's two ways to answer this. If the werewolf is in his fully transformed wild state, I gotta go with the big lizard.Werewolves are ferocious, but are out of their weight class here. If the werewolf in question is in his dormant (human) form, and happens to be a nuclear physicist with a keen awareness of Godzilla's weaknesses, he might have a chance to outwit him and win.
 
Who are some famous werewolves in history? Other than Dolly Madison.
Our book has a recurring feature called "famous lycs through time," which we include to let newly bitten werewolves know that it is possible to not only survive with this condition, but thrive. One of them is the late beat poet Alan Ginsberg, which forces a completely different interpretation of his famous poem "Howl."

Would it have been easier for you to write the book if you were a werewolf yourself?

Probably not. It's still too dangerous for a werewolf to admit his condition publicly, so my co-author Bob Powers and I were able to speak for them, while allowing them to remain safely anonymous. Plus, making deadlines is harder when you're chained to a wall in your basement for three nights out of every month.

What is the biggest misconception about werewolves?

That they are monsters. Our book attempts to dispel the ignorant rumors spread by Hollywood movies and supernatural romantic 'tween fiction. Ignorance creates monsters. Lycanthropy does not. 

Where do werewolves stand on the public option?

Strictly speaking, werewolves should avoid doctors. The regenerative quality of their monthly transformations tends to ward off disease, and werewolves also heal much faster than non-lycanthropes. Still, many werewolves maintain health coverage so as to not attract attention to themselves, so anything the government can do to lower those monthly costs would be greatly welcomed.

Can mistletoe really ward off werewolves, or is that a silly folktale?

Sadly, that's just a folktale. Same thing with wolfsbane. If you put some mistletoe up in your house though, you might be able to get a werewolf to make out with you, but only in his dormant state. In his wild state, the best course of action is to run. 

You are a new father. Ever tell werewolf stories to your daughter?

She's still pretty young, so not yet. We're a big Mo Willems house. If The Pigeon ever gets bit by a werewolf, we'll be all over that. 

Dumb As An Interview: The Guinea Pig Diaries Author A.J. Jacobs October 20, 2009 2:38 PM | permalink

For the past 15 years, author and Esquire editor A.J. Jacobs has lived his life doing experiment after experiment- on himself.

For his book The Year Of Living Biblically he spent a year following the rules of the Bible. In The Know It All Jacobs describes his quest to read the entire Encyclopedia Britannica.

His new book The Guinea Pig Diaries talks about some of the other experiments that he has done over the past 15 years, including following George Washington’s personal list of civility and decent behavior, engaging in a program called Radical Honesty and even outsourcing his entire life to workers in India. He was kind enough to answer some of our questions. 

Many of your experiments seem to be combinations of high concepts designed to entertain the readers of your books and essays, along with genuine attempts to better yourself and learn something in the process. What’s more important; getting the laugh or learning something?

Can I say it’s a tie? Remember that word "edutainment?" Part education, part entertainment. I liked that word, even though it eventually became a punchline. Maybe I’d change the word to ‘entertation.’ Does that sound better?

Seeing as this is Dumb As A Blog, what is the dumbest thing you ever did in one of your experiments?

Probably stoning an adulterer. I was trying to follow the rules of the Bible as literally as possible, and Leviticus says we should stone adulterers. So I did. I used pebbles, so as not to get prosecuted. 

From your experiences following the rules of the bible, living by the guidelines of George Washington’s rules of civility, to Radical Honesty, to even allowing your wife Julie to write a rebuttal chapter, it seems that you have a bit of an obsession with satirizing the concepts of rules, ethics, honesty and fairness. As ridiculous as many rules are, doesn’t society need them?

Excellent question. I actually am a big fan of rules. I’m wary of people who take rules too literally, and who don’t allow for change or debate. I’m wary of people who say “The Bible says homosexuality is a sin, therefore it’s a sin forever and ever.”

But my experiments have actually made me more of a fan of rules than before. We often talk about freedom of choice. But there’s a beauty in having a structure, a set of rules, that limit our choices. I think it makes us happier. For instance, George Washington’s 110 rules of life are really wise – they’re all about self-restraint, self-sacrifice, respect. And not adjusting your crotch in public. That is literally his rule number two. And I’ve found it serves me well.

After 15 years of these experiments, have you come up with any rules that govern your own behavior when selecting a new experiment, or ethics about how you go through with it?

I want my experiments to have the potential to give me real insight. I want them to change my life for the better, even if just a little. It can’t be something like – I’m going to eat a cruller at every Dunkin’ Donuts in America and write about it (Though my wife does keep suggesting that I should take her to every restaurant in New York as my next book.)

In your experiment called “The Rationality Project,” you pasted pictures of eyes all over your house because a study showed that people behaved more ethically when they saw pictures of eyes, as it tricked their brains into thinking they are being watched and judged. You noted that your kids liked to get into staring contests with the eyes. Have your children been affected by any of your other experiments?

First, I do think having my walls adorned with pictures of eyes made my family behave a bit better. (Also, my book actually has big pictures of eyes on the cover, so just having it in the house can have a beneficial effect on your family. Just FYI). Overall, though, I try to keep my kids out of my experiments as much as possible. I don’t want to warp them. Sometimes it can’t be helped, of course. During my year of living biblically, I had this enormous beard, and when I shaved it off, my son was freaked out for a week or so. Who is this stranger in the apartment with his smooth cheeks?

In your books you come off as a fairly normal, semi-geeky guy with a good sense of humor about not just the world, but yourself, combined with a willingness to leap into extraordinarily wacky situations. You also have several cute kids, a skeptical but loving wife and a smoking hot nanny. I’ll put it out there; I smell sitcom. The only thing missing is you tripping over the ottoman as your theme music plays. Any plans in the works?

I like that ottoman idea! Let me know if you’re interested in working on a spec. I’ve had discussions about a sitcom, but I’m actually more interested in developing something unscripted. I’m working with the delightful Morgan Spurlock of Supersize Me and 30 Days fame.

If your life was to become a sitcom would you want to play yourself? If not, who would you like to play you? 

 Well, The Year of Living Biblically has been optioned for a movie by Paramount, and they’ve attached Marlon Wayans. I went out to lunch with him and had a great time. It’s an interesting choice, because if you look at our pictures side by side, you could probably – and I’m going out on a limb here – tell us apart.

 

Children's Literature FAILs October 20, 2009 10:26 AM | permalink

Looking through a Scholastic book catalog (yeah, that's how I roll), one partially-obscured title behind other advertised "wacky favorites," stuck out:

Farm Flu!

Farm Flu should be a big holiday seller, right? What parent can resist a charming tale of animals getting sick with flu and a child in close proximity?  

In other news, according to CNN, little fans of a 13-sentence classic book called Where the Wild Things Are, remain unimpressed by the new movie of the same name.  Hey four-year-olds, where's your appreciation for dark themes and lyrical cinematic journeys?  Still, gotta say the article quotes a dad who complains his twenty-month-old was bored by it. 

Dude, what are you doing bringing your baby to a movie?  At that age they can concentrate on eating clay, and only for about ten minutes.  Here's a better idea: Take that money and light your farts with it instead.

You're welcome.

Dumb As An Interview: I'm Perfect, You're Doomed Author Kyria Abrahams September 16, 2009 6:29 PM | permalink

Kyria Abrahams is a stand-up comedian, spoken-word poet, web producer and author of the recent memoir "I'm Perfect, You're Doomed: Tales from a Jehovah's Witness Upbringing." The book tells the humorous and heartfelt story of one woman’s tangled path navigating a difficult early life, in which her family's religious fundamentalism was an integral part.  She was kind enough to answer some of our questions.
 
Since this is Dumb As a Blog, we have to ask: what is the dumbest part of being raised a Jehovah’s Witness?

The reason they give for not celebrating birthdays is possibly the pinnacle of dumb. In the bible, John The Baptist is beheaded at King Herod's birthday feast. Because of this, obviously, all birthdays are pagan and will involve a beheading. That's why Jehovah's Witness children are forced to sit in the back of the room and cry-pray while their classmates joyfully eat delicious cake – they are afraid of being beheaded.
 
You mention in your book that Smurfs were considered evil in the eyes of the church, but Snorks were A-OK. Have you ever been able to figure out why? Is it because the Smurfs were French?
 
Actually, I believe Smurfs are Belgian. If only I hadn't been raised as a Jehovah's Witness I might be educated enough to make a decent joke about the Dutch. Ultimately, I guess when you try to decide the holiness of Hanna-Barbera cartoon characters based on a 3,000-year old scroll, you're going to have inconsistencies.
 
You outline many things that the Jehovah’s Witnesses do, that seem, to an outsider, to be odd. Is there anything about the church that they do right, or that you miss?
 
I miss knowing that everything I was doing in my life was right, that God loves me like a daughter and that I'm going to live forever on an earthly paradise with a pet panda. That's not the sort of thing that can easily be replaced. I also miss hating homosexuals and Jews. Oh, to be young again!

I found it kind of strange that Jehovah’s Witnesses refer to those who are not in the church as “worldly,” a word that I have never heard as a negative. To me, someone who is worldly has education and experience with the ways of the world. How do they manage to define that as a bad thing?

It's from some scripture they love to quote which says that God's chosen people are "no part of this world" -- hence the negative slur "worldly." They won't come right out and admit it, but it's an “us against them” scenario. And who doesn't love an underdog, outside of Apollo Creed?

Have you spoken to former and current Jehovah’s Witnesses over the course of promoting this book? What have they said to you? Do you agree with anything they have said?

I can count on one hand the interactions I’ve had with still-active Jehovah’s Witnesses, because I’m an evil apostate and they are instructed to eschew my evil. The most interesting responses are on YouTube, from Jehovah's Witnesses who don’t realize that my videos are a parody and try to tell the characters that they aren’t acting in a Godly manner.

One of the performance or “slam” poets that you write about in the book, makes a stunningly heartwarming gesture to you, effectively allowing you to achieve a measure of independence. Yet you write about these people at times like they are more off the wall than some of the quirkiest Jehovah’s Witnesses. So who is more screwed up:  Fundamentalists, slam poets or stand-up comedians?

Fundamentalists. They’re the only ones who will deny they are crazy.

What’s next for you? Going to church on Sunday?

I’m just waiting for the obscure first-memoir cash-money to start rolling in so I can buy the Watchtower factory building in downtown Brooklyn and turn it into a Wiccan Hooters.

Note: Author Photo by Todd Serencha

 

Dumb As An Interview: Idiot America Author Charles Pierce July 23, 2009 10:21 AM | permalink

Charles P. Pierce is sportswriter, columnist and author who has written for the New York Times Magazine, Esquire, GQ, Sports Illustrated and other publications. He is a regular panelist on National Public Radio's "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!" and his new book is Idiot America.

We asked him a few questions about idiots, Americans and how they both tie into the premise of his book.

In your book, you seem to have great disdain for people who are idiots, yet an odd admiration for people who seem off their rockers. What’s the difference?

I differentiate between what I call authentic American cranks like Ignatius Donnelly, whose pseudo-science is responsible for all we think we know about Atlantis, and the people who today [enjoy] mainstream craziness without the ameliorating effects of a pushback. As I point out, a charlatan is a crank with a big book deal. A charlatan is a crank who's sold out.

Does anything give you hope that America might be getting smarter?

We're more informed than we ever were. We're overwhelmed by more information from more directions at the same time. The problem is a) that our internal editing function is overwhelmed and  b) that we are so fairminded that we believe that because there are two sides to every question, they both must be right. In combination, we believe that which sells best, not that which is true. I don't see that getting better any time soon.

You write that Idiot America is a collective act of will by our entire culture, that allows nonsense to have consequences beyond simple ridicule. So then, can a smarter and better America be achieved through mockery? Seems a bit cruel.

Mockery has been an important part of informed citizenry ever since the concept of citizenry was invented. Satire is a weapon of the disenfranchised and the un-empowered. One of the most distressing developments of recent times is that people like Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter are regularly referred to as "satirists," when, in fact, they are mere bullies on behalf of the established powers. I don't argue that mockery makes us smarter, but it can make us better citizens. I hope Sarah Palin comes to realize this.

In your opinion, who is the stupidest person in America?

Besides the guy who was in my rear-view mirror texting at 70 mph on Rte. 93 this morning? It's a tough call, but I'd pick the person whose fame and success best conforms to what I call the Three Great Premises of Idiot America:  1) Any theory is valid if it moves units 2) Anything can be true if someone says it loudly enough 3) Fact is what enough people believe and truth is how fervently they believe it.

That would be Palin, Queen of the Northwoods.

You seem to point the finger at former President Bush, saying that a symptom of Idiot America involves people thinking with their guts instead of their brains. But isn’t instinct valuable on some level? The late David Halberstam’s book The Best and the Brightest is about how the smartest people of a generation led us into the disaster of Vietnam. Can brains and instinct co-exist? How do we draw that line?

Best question I've been asked on this tour.

I would argue that, in the strictest sense, while the people in Halberstam's book were undoubtedly brilliant, they were inexpert in counterinsurgency warfare, Asian history and politics and the dynamics of post-colonial developing nations. Hubris is not intelligence any more than instinct is. Idiot America is the result of a celebration, not of stupidity, but of in-expertise.These guys qualified.

Are there countries stupider than America?

Probably. But very few that celebrate it in their politics quite as goofily as we do.

Any particularly dumb things happen in America since you finished the book--things that you wish you could have included?

Well, as I said, Sarah's an ongoing joy. I think there are elements of the health-care debates that qualify, and Michael Steele this week talked about the sanctity of someone's relationship with their health-insurance company. That was pretty funny.

You have said in other interviews that one of the best ways to pull this country out of the notion that perception is reality is to learn to distinguish between entertainment and information. With that in mind, would you call your book entertaining or informative?

Somebody called it a "political beach-read," which I rather liked. I think the section called "Consequences" is the most serious part of the book. There are consequences for believing and acting upon nonsense, and for abdicating our responsibilities as self-governing citizens. We can walk away from those responsibilities, but not from the consequences of walking away.

Burb Boobs Boast Teen Terror? June 22, 2009 9:56 AM | permalink

In the course of my fabulously glamorous life, I once came across this flier from the Jericho Public Library on Long Island:

Next to the spray paint can icon is the description for a July 8th class for teens to learn graffiti.  From the description, "Graffiti has tagged everything -- subways, walls, cars & more.  Now its your turn to create graffiti."

What were they thinking? Did the head librarian take the pins out of her bun, let her hair down at the meeting and say, "It's high time kids in this sleepy town started f-ing sh*t up!"

Probably. 

Right under that there's a memory bracelet workshop on July 11.  Most likely the memories these teens will be immortalizing in wire and beads are the ones of the Juvenile Detention served after trying out their newly acquired tagging talents taught to them by their local library.

I'm kind of excited for the August offerings.  Maybe they'll have Advanced Spliff Rolling and How to TP Your Neighbor's Trees. The latter, of course, would only be open to those who successfully completed the JPL teen course entitled Setting Bags of Poo on Fire, Ringing the Bell and Running.

Related: If you love naughty tales and a library that's open 24/7, check out the totally amazing Crime Library on truTV.com. 

Joe Girardi's Book Reviews May 5, 2009 3:32 PM | permalink

 While Joe Girardi may only be doing a passable job managing the New York Yankees, (they're a game over .500 at this writing) he is undeniably showing a flair for reviewing books:

On "A-Rod" by Selena Roberts: "I have some issues with it... I don't understand why someone would write a book like this anyway...It's something I've never understood, whether it's a book about Alex or other people, or about a president or whoever, I've just never understood it."

On "The Yankee Years" by Joe Torre: "My parents always taught me [to] talk about the good, be positive."

Dumb as a Blog recently caught up with the Yanks' bench boss and asked for his views on other popular works. Here's what he had to say:

Dreams From My Father by Barack Obama

"Yeah, I don't see why anybody would dig into somebody's past like that. Who cares if he did a little blow back in the day? Leave him alone, he's got two little girls, you think they want to read about that? Wait, sorry? HE wrote it? About himself? Huh.  Stupid, if you ask me."

Emma by Jane Austen

"An oldy but a goodie, that's for sure. I've always been something of a Jane-iac! Anyway, it's great, and totally perfect when Emma ends up with Mr. Knightly. I mean, he's her only true critic, and in this world, sometimes when we criticize someone, we're only doing it out of love. Someday, Selena Roberts will understand that."

Watchmen by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons

"It's not a comic book, It's a GRAPHIC NOVEL.  I'm told it's amazing. Honestly, I couldn't get through it. Kept getting distracted by the blue guy's junk."

American Lion: Andrew Jackson in the White House by Jon Meacham

"I was really looking forward to this one. If there's one thing I like more than 20 dollar bills, it's lions. When a journalist asks a lion a dumb question you know what happens? BOOM! Lion eats him. Straight up. Don't mess with the king, baby. That said, this book was horses**t. Not a single lion in the whole thing. It was all about some stupid president. Why would somebody write about that? And also, 35 bucks? The guy from the 20 is right on the cover. I know when I'm getting ripped off."

Breaking Dawn: The Twilight Saga Part Four by Stephenie Meyer

"I dunno, it seems to me that these books have gotten away from their basic message: Bella loves Edward. It's a love story right? Where the hell did that story line go? I was on the fence when she started palling around with that werewolf, saying 'Oh, we're just friends.' I've heard that one before. You think he's not going to change? He's a werewolf for crying out loud, that's what they do!!! Also, did you know Edward asks her to have an abortion in this one? Call me old fashioned, but when a vampire asks you to have an abortion, you say YES."

Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by  Malcom Gladwell

"While I've never really been a huge fan of Gladwell's brand of pop sociology, his insight into how human beings draw upon past experiences to make rapid, informed decisions  lent itself well to my near instantaneous feeling that this book sucked."

Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss

"Terrible book about a picky eater. Also, all the rhyming made it predictable. I mean, dang, if you won't go out to eat with a fox, I can't help ya. And what kind of doctor writes like that? He sounds like a six-year-old. I hope I don't get sick around this guy." 

Annoyed Teens Think Mosquitoes Suck April 27, 2009 1:27 PM | permalink

No, I'm not talking about the insects, I'm talking about "the mosquito," an artificial buzzing device that adults in the Netherlands are installing in public areas to curtail teenage loitering. Several people of varying ages are quoted saying that the buzzing gives them a headache, which is odd, since the second line of the article clearly states that these machines emit "an annoying sound with a frequency that can generally be heard only by people under the age of 25."

Really?

You can only hear it if you're under the age of 25?

What is it, the raw appeal of a Jonas Brothers song?

I'm guessing that this sound, on it's own, is annoying to people under the age of 25, but when surrounded with other masking agents, like puppy-dog good looks, or generic, non-threatening sex appeal, it's power to annoy is diluted, and is thus rendered irresistible to teens.

I suspect that this very buzzing can be found in a variety of places, like the stand-up comedy of Dane Cook, the soundtrack to High School Musical, and when phonetically written out, it can be found woven into the very text of the "Twilight" books.

Generally, I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I think I'm onto something here.

Cheesy Book Takes Gold March 27, 2009 11:08 AM | permalink

A study on the future of soft cheese has won Britain's Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year. Philip M. Parker, the mastermind behind, The 2009-2014 World Outlook for 60-milligram Containers of Fromage Frais, secured the coveted award.

Primate study tome, Baboon Metaphysics, by Dorothy L. Cheney and Robert M. Seyfarth was the runner up.

Other honorable mentions include, Curbside Consultation of the Colon and Strip and Knit With Style.

Congratulations to all the really ridiculously-titled reads!