Detroit: Where You Can Live Like a King for the Price of a Burger King Meal November 18, 2009 9:44 AM | permalink

Time Inc. is currently hosting a contest with five top-end ad companies to sell the idea of moving to Detroit to young artistic folks.

As former resident of the Detroit Metropolitan Area (I didn't actually grow up in Detroit proper) I find pretty much every single one of these ads both completely lame and totally ineffective. They reflect an idea of Detroit that clearly comes from people who have zero knowledge of the city other than Kid Rock and abandoned buildings. You are certainly welcome to disagree and may vote for your favorite ad here, but in the meantime, I'd like to offer up a realistic alternative I thought of this morning when I read about the recent sale of the Pontiac Silverdome (former home of the Detroit Lions):

I think it's pretty effective.

And in case you're not swayed by the price of real estate and worry about missing out on all the other things that exist in your town, I made this follow up (featuring a tantalizing shot from Detroit's own Buddy's Pizza):

'Sorry, Teach, I Forgot My Homework... At the House I Robbed' November 6, 2009 9:00 AM | permalink

It's a story that sounds like a plot line from Saved by the Bell: The Truancy Years or Little Rascals: Home Invasion.

Monday afternoon, two boys from Woonsocket High School in Rhode Island skipped class to break into a house. They stole some video game systems, grabbed their bags, and headed back to school figuring they got away with it - but there was one little problem.  Namely, one of the boys accidentally dropped his homework leaving the house.

When police got to the scene, they found the homework which conveniently had the perp's (or should I say twerp's?) name written on it. Needless to say, a few hours later the kids found themselves in the principal's office getting arrested.

The teens were charged with breaking and entering, then released to their parents' custody, but they are also now being investigated for ties to several other break-ins that have recently occurred in the area.

Bottom line?  Ain't no bell that can save these big rascals.

Ribbit If You Love Romaine! November 3, 2009 2:27 PM | permalink

Tracy Grimes of Sterling Heights, MI just about croaked when she found a frog in a bag of lettuce on Friday.

Grimes was about to make a salad for her family when she noticed something moving in the sealed bag of greens. Boy, was she surprised when she opened it up to discover the Romaine-loving amphibian.

The real dumb part is that when she called Kroger (the grocery store where the product was purchased) to complain, they told her to send the bag and the frog to them in the mail - effectively giving the poor thing a death sentence. Luckily, the Grimes family has a heart and chose to take pictures of the frog and let it go in their front yard.

YouTube? More Like BOOTube! October 30, 2009 1:35 PM | permalink

In honor of Halloween, I bring you three of the most frightening channels on YouTube:

1. BreastFeedingBabies - Are these videos made for dudes with a really creepy fetish or for mommies to be? Either way, they freak the crap out of me.
2. Volksmusik Channel - Pretty sure this is where The Hoff got his start
3. 6SuperSiggies - This might be cute if the curator was a six-year-old girl, but, let's be honest, 6SuperSiggies is probably a member of AARP.

The Best Seat in the House October 26, 2009 10:09 AM | permalink

Do you wish to wipe?

Do you pine to pee?

Do you believe in BM?

If your mind and body are truly in the toilet, you could be $10,000 richer this Christmas season. If you can explain why you love nothing more dropping a deuce, Charmin might just pay you to be a "Charmin Ambassador" at their Times Square public toilets for the holiday season.

Be Careful To Whom You Say 'Bite Me' October 20, 2009 2:33 PM | permalink

Man, Motown has had a tough week. First, three men died running the Detroit Marathon. Next the WNBA champions, the Detroit Shock, announced they're leaving for Tulsa. Finally, Clinton Township resident Daniel Allen bit his neighbor on the mouth over a football. Wait, what?

Allen confiscated a football that landed on his lawn Sunday evening, according to police. The teenagers who had thrown said pigskin came to get it back but Allen refused. When a parent intervened and asked for the ball, Allen responded the way any reasonable crazy man would, by allegedly attacking the parent and biting him on his mouth, nearly tearing the victim's lip off.

Allen has been charged with intent to maim, which is my new favorite criminal charge. If convicted, he could face 10 years in prison. The victim was taken to the hospital for treatment.

Don't Get Between a Man and His Chalupa October 7, 2009 2:27 PM | permalink

At close to 4 AM Tuesday a man opened fire on some employees outside a Miami Taco Bell. Allegedly, the man arrived at the store looking to pick up some late night grub. When he was told the location was closed for the night, he continued to demand food. When a manager finally asked him to leave, he shot at said manager, hitting another employee in the leg.

Investigators are still searching for the suspect...

Maybe he ran for the border.

(Ba-dum-CHING!)

Kleptos for Christ October 7, 2009 11:02 AM | permalink

20-year-old China Graham, aka "Mya Love", is allegedly on a one woman stealing spree in suburban Pennsylvania. Police in New Brighton and Ellwood city have been unable to catch Ms. Graham/Love, but maybe they'd have more luck if they tried the one place you'd least expect to find a criminal... in church.

It appears last Sunday "Mya" paid a visit to First Presbyterian Church in Ellwood City with her mother. Graham seemed to grasp the Christian notion of giving tithes and offerings, placing a $50 check in the offering plate. However, she must have missed the whole "Thou shalt not steal" part, since her offering came from a stolen checkbook. Later, she allegedly stole another parishioner's wallet.What's more, this isn't the first time China has been accused of thievery in God's house. Police say she stole two wallets in August from the Christian Assembly in New Brighton. 

China has a warrant out for her arrest, but is still on the loose, so if you attend services in the Ellwood City/New Brighton area on Sunday, remember that even if the preacher tells you that the eyes of the Lord are everywhere, it still might not be a bad idea to keep one hand on your wallet.

Talk About a Bad Date... October 6, 2009 2:05 PM | permalink

They say women always fall for the bad boys, but one Detroit man took it too far when he stole his date's car, police say.

In April, Terrence McCoy, 24,  allegedly took a 27-year-old woman out to dinner. When the check came Terrence claimed to have left his wallet in her car and asked to borrow the keys so he could retrieve it; Instead of returning to pick up the tab, McCoy hit the gas and peaced out with the woman's car, according to cops.

McCoy, who pleaded no contest to a charge of unlawfully driving away a vehicle, was sentenced Friday to up to 10 years in prison.

Oh yeah, and chivalry is officially dead.

Scaredy Cat Scared by Cat September 21, 2009 2:57 PM | permalink

Self-defense turned into self-offense last night when a man in Orion Township, MI shot himself in the finger.

The 21-year-old woke up to what he thought was a burglar in his basement. When he went downstairs with his handgun to investigate, he was startled by his house cat and accidentally fired the gun... into his own hand.

As it turns out, there had been no thief. Major Bob Smith of the Oakland County Sheriff's Department said, “It just goes to show you, if you’re going to own a gun and use it for home self-defense, you’d better know how to use it." I don't mean to point any fingers (pun intended) but maybe instead of a gun and a cat, this dude should have just gotten himself a good guard dog.

Taking The 'P' Out Of Pittsburgh September 9, 2009 4:07 PM | permalink

Today may be your last chance to micturate in Pittsburgh.

That's right, folks, it's currently legal to urinate wherever the heck you want in The Steel City... but maybe not for long. Today the city council tentatively approved an ordinance that would make it illegal to "water the lawn" or create your own "sidewalk fountain" in the city. The final vote could come as soon as Tuesday, so we've all got less than a week to head down to the the confluence of the Allegheny and Monongahela Rivers and exercise our right to whiz all over it. Get going!

And, yes, this has everything to do with me still being bitter about the Stanley Cup.

TeacherTube? More Like 'AdultsTryingTooHardTube' August 25, 2009 4:18 PM | permalink

It's officially back to school time - and you know what that means... It's time to send your kids off to get educated by some seriously dorky human beings.

Did you know there is a TeacherTube? Neither did I. But I just found it, and I think I know how I'm going to spend the rest of this work day... How can I focus on making phone calls and filing expense reports when there's so much knowledge out there to learn from embarrassing rap videos created by grown adults who think they are cool?

Here are some of my favorite finds:

"Jamestown"

Mrs. Burk's "Perimeter Rap"

Mr. Duey's "Fractions"

Now that you've refreshed your math skills, you are officially ready to head back to school - but don't forget the classroom rules...

Dumb Dad Uses Kid to Draw Dates August 14, 2009 9:53 AM | permalink

On Sunday, a man in Michigan got caught allegedly using his seven-year-old son to pick up chicks.

The unnamed man instructed his son to ask women "if they would like to meet his dad so he could have a mother," according to Utica Police Detective Sgt. David Faber. When the ladies shot him down, the kid would start to cry, hoping to persuade the broads with his bawling.

Remarkably, the ploy didn't get the man any dates, but it did manage to get his ass threatened by some men in the park who didn't think this pick-up tactic was on the up and up.

The man faces a disorderly conduct charge (and Child Protective Services will be notified), but IMHO, this "Big Daddy" is just guilty of watching too many Adam Sandler movies. Maybe he should get himself a puppy.

Today in Redundant Headlines... August 13, 2009 9:32 AM | permalink

"Male Shot in Buttocks on South Side"

No Poo on You August 5, 2009 9:30 AM | permalink

We all know how much I love dumb infomercials, so you can imagine how excited I got when I was browsing over at Holy Taco and saw a picture of the PooTrap. Yes, folks, a trap for your doggie's dung so you don't have to go through the embarrassing act of bending over to pick up your pet's poopies. This way, your dog can be embarassed instead. With a little quick Googling, I found out that this innovation is a gift to the USA from some brilliant minds in the bowels Korea (ba-dum-CHING!).

You can order your own PooTrap from the U.S. site, but if you have five minutes (and a strong proclivity for looking at fecal matter) I highly recommend watching the dubbed Korean version of the commercial. Highly entertaining.

Dumb or Clever? Habitat for Sex Offenders August 4, 2009 9:29 AM | permalink

Floridian Randy Young (pictured) may be the Donald Trump of sex offenders.

A convicted sex offender, Young had trouble finding a place to live after being released from prison. State laws greatly limit the places sex offenders can reside.

Mr. Young soon realized there was a need for a service to help registered sex offenders find homes. Capitalizing on the market, Young now owns seven Florida properties that he leases out to registered offenders.

Some victim's families are not excited about the fact that anyone is making life easier for sex offenders, but on the plus side, it does make it easier to keep tabs on 'em.

If you're a registered sex offender looking for a home, or if you just want to know where in Florida to not take your kids when you're on that trip to Disney, visit Randy's site here. And, as always, please leave your thoughts in the comments.

Dumb or Clever? The Helen Keller Simulator July 22, 2009 2:51 PM | permalink

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be deaf and blind?

Now you can find out, with the Helen Keller Simulator!

Yes, it's horribly twisted and wrong, but I'm still voting for "clever" on this one.

What do you think? Tell me how distasteful I am for laughing at this in the comments.

Buy This Ugly Jacket and Paula Abdul will Give 9 Cents to Puppies July 10, 2009 10:09 AM | permalink

Paula Abdul just told me, via her Twitter feed, there are only a few more hours left in a charity auction she's having on eBay.

Naturally, my curiosity quickly led me to the auction and came to the following conclusions:

1) Paula Abdul has no taste.
The clothes Paula's auctioning are hideous. Now, I understand we can't all be so fashion forward as I am, but I'm pretty sure the lack of high bids reflect that either:

a) These clothes are ugly

or

b) No one wants Paula Abdul's hand-me-downs

Most likely, both.

She even has clothes by top designers that haven't even managed to get bids of $20.

2) Paula Abdul Takes Advantage of Animals
Read the fine print on the items up for bid and you'll quickly notice that only 10 PERCENT of the profits from this auction are actually going to charity (PAWS). What?! So Paula Abdul is selling off everything in her closet to make some extra dough and trying to cleverly disguise it as a charitable act. Luckily, as mentioned in conclusion #1, these clothes aren't exactly fetching top dollar. At the moment, the jacket pictured is going for 99 cents. That's 90 cents for Paula and 9 for the puppies. Don't spend it all in one place.

5 Disturbing Baby Commercials July 10, 2009 9:22 AM | permalink

Over the past week this Evian commercial went viral:

 I'm declaring this ad officially disturbing.

From Baby Geniuses to that dancing baby on Ally McBeal, Hollywood execs have spent the last decade striking terror through our nation by animating infants. But, no one loves using babies for the powers of evil more than Madison Avenue. Here are the five most frightening:

5) To some, the E*Trade talking baby is hilarious. To those people I say, "Yeah, hilarious until he steals your Social Security number and invests all your money in Playskool."

4) This commercial is scary in its ability to foresee the future. Yup, those kids in 1985 grew up to enter the job market just as the economy tanked and now they're using their college degrees in philosophy to mop the floors at McDonald's.

3) This ad for Quiznos asks, "Why have a sugar daddy when you could get yourself a sugar baby?"

2) "From the guys who brought you White Chicks comes a special bundle of joy"... a special bundle of joy that will make you run out immediately to get your tubes tied for fear of having a child that will try and molest you in your sleep.

1) This PlayStation ad may not feature an actual baby, but between the tears, the evil giggle and the red eyes of this baby doll, I'm traumatized for life. No wonder Sony honchos fired their ad agency.

What creepy kiddie commercials am I missing? Let me know in the comments.

Parents Peeved at Pharmacy for Promotional Pill Packaging at Parade July 8, 2009 4:17 PM | permalink

Citizens in Ripley, WV are crying foul after a local pharmacy passed out candy in pill bottles to the crowd at the town's annual Fourth of July float contest.

Like many local businesses, Ripley Pharmacy and Main Street Medical Center decorated a float and had employees march in the parade, winning themselves a third place prize. But they also won the scorn of parents, who felt that handing out candy in pill bottles sent children the wrong message about prescription drugs.

Marki Walls, owner of the pharmacy, apologized and promised his intentions were only to "do something nice for the community."  Apparently, it's actually a popular marketing tool. Sam's Club recently got in trouble for a similar promotion.

I'm just gonna throw this out there, but I think some media attention should be thrown at and the entire novelty pill industry. I mean, not only do shops like Spencer's Gifts sell candy in pill bottles, but they give young girls false hope that Booby Boosters are really going to increase their bust line. Not that I'm holding an old grudge or anything...

Don't Make Me Get Gym-nasty on You June 30, 2009 3:52 PM | permalink

 I watch too much ABC Family. While I generally tune in for the ooey gooey cheesy goodness, sometimes I am rewarded with moments of sheer TV genius such as the scene I am about to introduce you to from last night's episode of the gymnastics drama (ooh, fierce!) Make It or Break It.

We've all seen gangs engage in dance-offs in such classic movies as West Side Story and Step Up 2: The Streets, but MIOBI took it to the next level last night as a gang of gymnasts got gym-nasty and scared off a gang of thugs at a gas station with their sick tumbling routine. I'm serious. Watch now, thank me later.

What are your favorite TV guilty pleasures? Let me know in the comments.

What a Hoser June 30, 2009 3:39 PM | permalink

Remember that catch phrase, "Don't make me get the hose!" from the 1993 movie Mrs. Doubtfire?

A man from Florida may have actually said that to his wife on Saturday before he allegedly drenched her with a garden hose... because he was angry at her for smoking in the house.

The victim, whose name has not been released, says that she walked into the couple's home on Saturday while smoking a cigarette and her husband, John Jeffrey Murray, went bonkers, spraying her with the hose. When she then tried to call the police, Murray tried to grab the phone away, hitting her with his elbow in the process, cops charge.

Murray, 51, claims that he was just watering the grass and she accidentally got hit with what he described as an "over spray." He has been charged with domestic battery.

Top 10 Dumb Infomercials June 26, 2009 1:32 PM | permalink

Last week, a commercial for the Comfort Wipe (a product to help you reach your private bits on the toilet) became a viral video hit - reaching the number four spot on AdAge's viral video chart. Presumably, a lot of people thought this was a joke ad, but it was a real product. "Was" being the operative word. It seems video views did not translate into sales in this case, and the Comfort Wipe has since been removed from the marketplace.

In the time of Snuggies and ShamWows, America is clearly dazzled by a great (the definition of great being highly subjective) infomercial and I'm no exception. Without further ado, my top ten favorite ridiculous products:

10) The Comfort Wipe - I'm truly just intrigued that Americans have gotten so lazy we can't even wipe our own asses anymore, but I suppose this would be handy if you're the Half Ton Mum.

9) The Egg Genie - 'Cause boiling eggs on the stove is so much work! The invention of this should have been an indicator that The Comfort Wipe wasn't too far behind.

8) The Slap Rap Chop - Not all that ridiculous on its own. Becomes ridiculous when remixed into a rap.

7) Loud 'N Clear - Thinly veiled as a way to help the elderly hear better, while clearly pointing out it's real market is with nosy pervs.

6) The Thinny Hair Holder - If you still haven't let 80s sky-high mall hair go or you are a beauty queen from Arkansas.

5) The Kush Support - I don't have big jugs, but I'm pretty positive if I did, this wouldn't be a problem, and I'm also pretty sure I would stick a pair of socks in there before I dropped $55 bucks on this product.

4) The Wearable Towel - If I ever meet a man wearing one of these in toga form, I will marry that man.

3) The Tiddy Bear - Who doesn't want to get molested by a teddy bear?

2) The Hawaii Chair - Truly a classic. This one speaks for itself.

1) The Uro Club - Tee time? More like pee time! 

What are your favorite infomercials? Let us know in the comments.

Furniture Store Tweets and Becomes a Twit June 24, 2009 3:00 PM | permalink

Habitat, a United Kingdom furniture store,  made a pretty distasteful blunder this week when one of its employees got caught trying to use the election controversy in Iran as a way to promote the retailer on Twitter.

Apparently, whomever was tweeting for the company (they declined to identify who was responsible) decided a great way to get eyes on Habitat's tweets would be to add some most popular hashtags (keywords that direct searchers to tweets on a topic) to all of their posts. This idea in itself is actually pretty smart, but quickly became dumb as soon as said tweeter tweeted: "#MOUSAVI Join the database for free to win a £1,000 gift card."

For their sake, I should hope the employee didn't realize what "Mousavi" was. But seeing as though other current popular hashtags include "Transformers 2," "Spain," and "Megan Fox" couldn't they have just skipped over the one they didn't recognize? I hear fans of Megan Fox love gift cards.

Habitat has issued an apology and removed the tweets from its account.

Can You Hair Me, Guvnah? June 19, 2009 3:59 PM | permalink

 If your hair could talk, what would it say?

If you're Texas Governor Rick Perry (left), this is no longer a hypothetical question. Someone has started tweeting on his coif's behalf. So far, GovPerrysHair has 362 followers, including Governor "Good Hair" himself! Apparently, just 'cause something's on your head, it doesn't mean you know what it's thinking...

The latest update from Perry's Hair would like to remind us all that Father's Day is Sunday and asks that we not mention to our pops that his hair is thinning. Cause, you know, not everyone's hair can be so full (of himself) as the Governor's.

A Sad Day for Seedy Motels June 19, 2009 3:47 PM | permalink

The man who invented the "Magic Fingers Vibrating Bed" has passed away.

John Joseph Houghtaling died Wednesday at his home in Fort Pierce, Florida. He was 92.

And now, a web moment of silence.

Boycott Qdoba! June 19, 2009 3:39 PM | permalink

  I've already told you how superstitious I am as a hockey fan, but clearly that didn't work out for me this season.

I'm choosing to blame it on Qdoba.

It turns out that Pittsburgh Penguins head coach Dan Bylsma had a habit of eating a a burrito from the same location of the Mexican food chain before every home Penguins home game.

My Detroit Red Wings, of course, won none of its games in Pittsburgh. With the seventh and deciding game taking place in the Motor City, I thought, "Great, we've got this sewn up!"

But those jerks at Qdoba packed up a burrito for the road for Bylsma . He took it with him, and, well, we all know what happened next.

And now they're using this whole thing for a publicity campaign.

Well, I, for one, won't stand for it and plan on staging a protest. It just so happens a Qdoba is opening up downstairs from my office.  Maybe I'll make a sign that says "Red Wings Fans Against Qdoba" and park myself outside the joint... The wheels are turning...

Dumbo as an Eating Contest June 18, 2009 2:08 PM | permalink

The freak show is returning to Coney Island...

On July 4th, Joey Chestnut will attempt to beat Takeru Kobayashi for a third year in a row at Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. Last year's event (which I attended front row; check out my photo at left!) ended in a thrilling tiebreaker.

But this year, we have a new tradition in Brooklyn. On July 3rd  a trio of elephants will take on a trio of  humans in a hot dog bun eating contest. Whichever team takes down the most buns in six minutes will be declared winner. The contest is an effort to promote the circus' tour stop at Coney Island. No doubt protesters will be out in full force.

It may seem like the elephants have an unfair advantage as pachyderms are known to pack down a loaf of bread in less than two seconds, but George Shea, the president of the International Federation of Competitive Eating, thinks humans have an advantage of their own: "Perhaps the elephants won't understand the word 'go'."

I hate to break it to him, but that didn't help  Kobayashi when he took on a BEAR in a hot dog eating contest on the TV show Man vs. Beast. The bear quickly all but inhaled the dogs before the Japanese wiener muncher even ate half of what was on his plate.

News and (Dumb) Notes from Game 5 in Detroit June 8, 2009 4:50 PM | permalink

Lakers, shmakers, how 'bout some real athletes?

Saturday I was in Detroit at the Joe Louis Arena (my Mecca) for Game 5 of the NHL Stanley Cup Finals. Red Wings goalie Chris Osgood earned had a shutout and I enjoyed one of the best days of my drab, dismal life. I know this is not typically the case when folks spend a day in Detroit, but, hey, I'm not your average girl.

Here are a few sketches of a very fine day:

This is a group of fans gathered to shoot a promo for "Hockey Night in Canada." We watched them go through about 17 takes because the girl they selected to say "Welcome to Hockey Night in Canada" kept saying "Welcome to Hockey Time in Canada." Eventually the group of Penguins and Red Wings fans were able to unite in a common hatred of this girl who kept making them have to start over.

I previously stated that I find pink sports memorabilia unacceptable. I'd like to amend that statement. The only time it is acceptable and, in fact, fully fitting and appropriate is when the article of clothing in question is a pink Sidney Cindy Crosby jersey.

Favorite sign of the game? "Women in Sports: Support Cindy Crosby"

Another epic sports gear fail? This girl, who decided white stilettos to a pregame party (on grass!) made a classy choice (not to mention her hairdo and choice in pants). 

And speaking of sports gear fails...

There were two Pittsburgh fans sitting next to us at the game. I generally respect fans that throw caution to the wind and attend games on enemy turf - but these guys were wearing jeans and button down shirts - no Penguins gear. What is up with that? If you're gonna go so far as to attend a game at the Joe and cheer against the home team (not that they had much anything to cheer about Saturday), at least have the "pucks" to rock your colors proudly. These Red Wings fans get it. Get a bigger knob, Pittsburgh (that was a hockey innuendo).

Our group sported jerseys, but we also made this impromptu anti-Crosby tee with an undershirt and Sharpie markers and it was quite a hit.

Game 6 is tomorrow night. Red Wings are up three games to two. I will not speculate on the outcome of Tuesday's game, because, as a good hockey fan, I am insanely superstitious. I won't make predictions about the outcome of a game, I won't wash my jersey and I always wear red underwear on game days (this weekend, I discovered my other hockey watching buddies do too). I had no clean laundry for Game 4, had to break this rule and look what happened.

Go Wings!!!

Today in Misleading Headlines... June 4, 2009 4:51 PM | permalink

From the Boston Fox affiliate:

"Missing Baby Found in Sandwich"

What's that you say? Sandwich is the name of a town? Ohhhhhh.

I thought maybe the parents of a seriously small preemie had brought their baby to work with them at Subway and accidentally threw it on top of a five dollar foot long.