You Can't Get Married He-ah If You're Quee-ah. November 5, 2009 2:52 PM | permalink

In another stunning victory for people who like to make laws about things that don't affect them all, Maine has narrowly passed a referendum overturning the law that legalized gay marriage in that state. 

I mention this because the News Pulse feature (pictured) on CNN.com shows that while it was a popular story, more than twice the number of people decided instead to read a story about Dolly Parton and Jessica Simpson twittering about their boobs. If you want to interpret this as an abject lesson about the wisdom of straight up-and-down, issue-based ballot initiatives, you probably could, but why press it?

In case you didn't read the Maine article, it did include one exceptionally dumb quote:

Scott Fish, a spokesman for Stand for Marriage Maine, said the campaign had never been anti-gay.  "The campaign was very clear about that," he said by phone Wednesday. "This was a campaign about protecting traditional marriage."

C'mon now, Scott.

If this campaign isn't anti-gay, than what are you protecting traditional marriage from? Bears?  If this is the case, I'm sorry, because I know there are a ton of bears in Maine and if they are getting into wedding ceremonies and causing damage, something definitely needs to be done.

If this law was all about allowing you to shoot any bear that entered into an area where a wedding was taking place, I'd be all for it. I had a traditional wedding, and so did my gay cousin who was married in Maine, and at neither event was anyone attacked by a bear.

But, I haven't been back to Maine in a long time, and if bears are regularly showing up at weddings, mauling guests and burrowing their wet snouts deep into meticulously prepared wedding cakes, I would be fully behind your measure. 

But even then, I wouldn't be dumb enough to tell people it wasn't anti-bear.

Philly Mayor Jinxes World Series? November 5, 2009 12:38 PM | permalink

With the inevitability of a giant plodding beast, the New York Yankees won their first World Series Championship of the 21st Century last night, on the back of Most Valuable Player Hideki Matsui's Godzilla-sized bat.

Baseball blogs have been saying that Mariano Rivera should have taken home the MVP award, but in our opinion, that honor should go to Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter, who said YESTERDAY, that The City of Brotherly Love would not be paying for any victory parades.

And sure enough- he was right.

I don't think he should worry though, Philadelphia sports fans seem like a pretty reasonable bunch.

I'm sure they won't hold a grudge.

Dumb Or Clever? The 'I Am Them' Drunk Driving Lady November 3, 2009 5:43 PM | permalink

There is a minor debate brewing  at Dumb as a Blog over the case of 49-year-old Mary Strey (pictured) of Granton, WI. Strey has achieved a bit of internet infamy after calling 911 last Saturday night to report a drunk driver, which she eventually identified as herself.

After pulling over and putting on her hazard lights, the police arrived, administered a road sobriety test and arrested her. There are plenty of shorter, punchier versions bouncing around the internet, but in the interest of fairness, we include the long version here:

So while it's easy to make fun of her for being dumb because of her lousy grammar ("I am them," IS pretty funny) the question remains: is she really being dumb here? Obviously, on the face of it, calling 911 on yourself seems dumb, and so does saying "I am them," but in Ms Strey's defense, she was hammered.

And while it is never smart to get behind the wheel when boozed up, at least she did something  about it (albeit a little late) to make sure that she and other drivers on the road were safe. Of course, what makes all of us at truTV particularly qualified to discuss this story is that right off the top of our heads, we thought of two other clips featuring people who also called the cops on themselves for drunk driving.

From where we're standing,  Strey comes off the best.

So what do you think; Is Mary Strey Dumb or Clever?

America's Youth: Fat Dumb Criminals? November 3, 2009 11:52 AM | permalink

A bipartisan, non-profit group called "Mission Readiness" held a press conference this week to call for, among other things,  funding for the Virgina Preschool Initiative, which could cost an estimated $30 to 35 million dollars a year. This program would be part of the group's overall national strategy to provide more at-risk children with early education in order to increase graduation rates, reduce crime and improve physical fitness among young people.

So what makes this group so different from other do-gooder liberal-type groups with the same agenda? Apparently, they are upset that Americans have gotten too fat, stupid and criminally active to even get killed overseas.

According to statistics released by the Pentagon, 70 percent of American youth have inadequate education, criminal records or physical problems that preclude them from joining the military. And according to Mission Readiness, that threatens national security. 

So basically, if there are still any people out there who oppose funding for preschool programs, this is a group of retired military men reminding us that we are producing so many fat, stupid criminals in this country that when these people waddle up to Army recruitment windows, and actually ask to be sent to Afghanistan with a rifle, we can't in good conscience let that happen. 

The funny thing is, there will probably be a group who comes out against them. 

Stay tuned.

What Rock Bands Do For Halloween November 2, 2009 11:55 AM | permalink

In case you ever wondered what people in rock bands do for Halloween, here's one answer for you: they dress up like other rock bands.

Here's Pearl Jam on stage in Philadelphia on Halloween dressed up as Devo. 

That got me thinking about some other bands and who I'd like to see them dress up as:

-Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band dressed as KISS

-The Jonas Brothers dressed as ZZ Top

-Tom Petty dressed like Ziggy Stardust

Any ideas? Leave them in the comments!

Write And Wrong November 2, 2009 11:24 AM | permalink

 We found an interesting new blog today that combines some of the elements of our dumb criminal posts with the personal touch of Found magazine.

Welcome to Bank Notes, a collection of actual notes handed to bank tellers by both successful and unsuccessful robbers, along with security camera stills and mugshots if the perp was arrested. Most are chilling in their desperation. Sort of like Twitter, but with more of an actual goal in mind.

Perhaps my favorite part of the site are the categories, cleverly organized so you could see, for example, all of the robberies where the bandit says "thanks."  While there is only a small sample group of these polite thieves, it appears that minding one's manners doesn't necessarily aid the career of a would-be bank robber.

All three of the individuals who wrote "thanks" in their notes were eventually arrested.

Other highlights include the guy who specifically wrote "no tracking devices" and was caught by a tracking device, the bandit who successfully knocked off a bank with a cereal box, and the 91-year-old bank robber who was a man of few words. 

(HT to boingboing for the find)

Finalists Announced In Dumb Caption Contest-VOTE NOW! October 30, 2009 9:30 AM | permalink

It was tough to narrow down the pool of quality captions, but we did manage to pick our starting five. Now it's up to you to vote for the MVP who will win a Dumb As A Blog T-Shirt.

Voting closes a week from today, so vote now! Vote often!

Your One Stop Survival Guide To Dating Lady Bloggers October 28, 2009 9:25 AM | permalink

In case you are a single gentleman in search of an adorably geeky blogger chick, our pals over at the ladyblog Lemondrop have inadvertently provided a perfect map of all the loutish behavior you'd have to avoid to get on their sweet sides. 

Like most blogs, they divide their posts into categories, and one of them is known as (the very ladylike) "Douchemap." The way to navigate the Douchemap is as follows: Before a date with a snarky blogger chick, take a glance down at the posts in the category, and make sure to NOT commit any of the offenses mentioned. A cursory glance reveals a few key "don'ts"

-If your date is a virgin, don't drive her into a corn field and inform her you are about to "change her virgin status."

-Don't throw a six-year-old girl out of her house.

-Don't tell her about your cult that has group sex in trailer parks. 

-Don't be broke all the time.(You probably knew that one already.)

-Don't go camping with a woman you're dating and then cheat on her in an adjoining tent. 

If you do even one of those things, you'll be labeled "a douche," and strike out. BUT- if you do ALL of them, I'm gonna go out a limb here and say stick to your guns, cause she just might go for it.

After all, any sexy blogger chick will tell you that sleeping with a perpetually broke member of a trailer park sex cult who takes time off from evicting six-year-olds to deflower virgin after virgin in the same cornfield where he takes his girlfriend camping would make one a heck of a blog post.

And really, that's what they're interested in.

Elizabeth Taylor Sends MJ Tweet Nothings October 28, 2009 9:23 AM | permalink

According to a blog post on Popeater, shambling zombie Hollywood legend Elizabeth Taylor has been on Twitter in support of formerly shambling zombie deceased pop legend Michael Jackson's new movie This Is It, tweeting things like "It is the single most brilliant piece of film making I have ever seen. It cements forever Michael's genius in every aspect of creativity."

Wow.

So you all must be thinking what I'm thinking:

HOLY CRAP. Elizabeth $#&*ing Taylor is on Twitter?

Yes.

Yes she is. 

If you're in the following mood, you can follow truTV on Twitter, here.

Still Here In 600 Seconds October 27, 2009 4:37 PM | permalink

Did you ever see the movie Gone In Sixty Seconds?

It's about a ring of car thieves who have to steal either 48 or 50 cars in one night, depending on which version you watch. I haven't seen it, and it's a safe bet that 42-year-old Pennsylvania resident Gary Ensor (pictured) hasn't either.

If he did catch the film, he certainly didn't pick up any car-stealing tips, based on the fact that he was arrested last Saturday in Anne Arundel County, MD after not only abandoning his own pickup truck on the train tracks, where it was totaled by an oncoming train, but allegedly trying to steal four cars in ten minutes and failing each and every time. 

He was eventually picked up by the police, shirtless. And in case it wasn't clear immediately to police that his name was Gary Ensor, that mystery didn't last long. As it was reported on hometownannapolis.com:

The side of the crushed truck Ensor allegedly left on the railroad tracks advertised for Manchester-based Gary Ensor Remodeling, "Quality Windows To Fit Your Budget."

The Baltimore Chainsaw Mistake-accre October 27, 2009 1:36 PM | permalink

Remember that awesome episode of The Wire, when McNulty is off-duty and supposed to take his kids to a haunted house for Halloween, but ends up getting drunk, showing up late and pulling his gun on the guy playing Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre?

Oh wait.

That actually just happened in real life last weekend. That show was SO realistic!

According to Baltimore City Police, Sgt Eric Janek, 36, pulled his service revolver on Michael Morrison, an actor dressed as the killer from the infamous series of slasher movies. Morrison described the conflict to Channel 11 News in Baltimore:

"I was doing my normal scene at the haunted house, and as I was going out the backdoor with the chainsaw, the officer pulled his gun on me. Basically, he put his gun to my chest and as I was going back in, he said he was a cop"

Police described Sgt. Janek as being intoxicated noting, "two of the officers noticed his speech was slurred and there was a moderate odor of alcohol coming from his breath."

Morrison went on to say he dropped the chainsaw he was holding during the conflict, and, in fact, it had no chain attached and was not dangerous. 

Janek has been suspended without pay pending a formal hearing which will be held tomorrow. 

But if Beadie finds out he's been drinking again, he'll really be in hot water. 

Related: For More Texas Chainsaw Massacre laffs, check out this old post where we found the ultimate use of the Benny-Hillifier!

Holding Cell? October 26, 2009 5:39 PM | permalink

Damien Ankrah, who was arrested in a British heroin bust this summer, has been sentenced to 52 months in jail for the crime. It was his third offense.

Police had originally been unable to gather any physical evidence because Ankrah refused to go to the toilet for 16 straight days after the arrest. Despite submitting to a strip search, no drugs were found on (or in) his person. But when he refused to eat, drink or go to the toilet, police received permission from local magistrates to hold him longer.

Eventually Ankrah, 28, went to the loo and expelled five condoms filled with heroin, leading the judge to remark that "it was rather misguided and (if the condoms had burst) could have been fatal."

Ankrah's defense lawyer was more charitable, describing Ankrah as "a man of some strength and determination."

I'll go ahead and assume that is a fancy British way of saying "completely full of s**t."

World Yecch-ord!? October 26, 2009 4:19 PM | permalink

A pet store employee in Lansing, MI named Sean Murphy has unofficially broken the world record for number of live cockroaches placed in one's mouth. The previous record was 10, and on Friday night, in front of a cheering crowd at Preuss Pets, Murphy put 16 Madagascar hissing cockroaches into his craw for a full 10 seconds. That's 160 cockroach seconds, if you're doing the math.

Video of the feat  can be found here, in case you don't feel like eating lunch for the rest of your life. 

Now I realize that the easy angle here would be to call Murphy dumb for shoving all those insects in his mouth. But what about the crowd? Weren't they the dumb ones? Wasn't  there anything else going on in Lansing on October 23?

As it turns out, not really:

-The Lansing Lugnuts minor-league baseball team played their last home game on September 3rd.

-The Old Town October Fest ended October 10th.

-The Boarshead Theater on Grand Street in Lansing is running a number of productions including Beau Jest  and an adaptation of The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe but sadly, none of those were playing on Friday. If you wanted live theater that night, you had to settle for the bug-eating variety.

-The Michigan State Spartan men's football and hockey teams both played last weekend, but sadly, their  games were on Saturday.

The Lansing Symphony Orchestra was also dark that Friday, so I contacted Catherine Guarino, the symphony's director of communications. She told me that despite really liking the family-owned pet store, she hadn't attended the record-breaking event. When I suggested that perhaps the symphony orchestra could make plans for its own "stuffing cockroaches into mouths" type concert, she said "that isn't really a priority for us."

Guarino was kind enough to direct me to Lansing's Wharton Center For Performing Arts, which had featured a performance of the Virsky Ukrainian National Dance Company that night, so it's not like the citizens of Michigan's's capital  didn't  have options.

If someone told me I had to choose between "the exquisite charm of Ukrainian folk dancing" and watching a dude in a pet store stuffing a lot of cockroaches into his mouth, I can't tell you with confidence I'd pick the dancers.

Have It Your Weed October 22, 2009 3:48 PM | permalink

It is a safe bet that when Burger King drive-through employee Taharka Johnson (pictured) allegedly asked a customer who pulled up to the take-out window if he was interested in smoking marijuana, Johnson was unable to see what was written on the the stranger's hat.

The fast food employee asked driver Shawn McClister if he would like to exchange some pot for alcohol and then showed McClister a clear bag of "green vegetable matter," according to cops in Pennsylvania. McClister, it turns out, was an off-duty police officer. He rotated his knit cap so the words  "Tullytown Police" were visible, and told Johnson "That's not a smart idea, now is it?"

Of course, that's somewhat a matter of perspective. From a purely entrepreneurial angle, assuming that someone who craves Burger King after midnight might  be interested in something like that, well, that makes some sense to me.

But asking a cop? Who is wearing a hat with the word "police" on it?

Not that smart at all.

McClister left the restaurant and flagged down an on-duty cop. The pair returned to the restaurant  and arrested Johnson, 32, who was charged with of drug possession with intent to deliver and possession of drug paraphernalia.

To Be Fair, I Think All Pretty Lady Newscasters Kinda Look The Same October 22, 2009 11:35 AM | permalink

 MSNBC's Contessa Brewer is an attractive woman, and from what little I can tell, a capable journalist. Of course anyone's face can seem a little less pretty when there's a foot hanging out of her mouth.

Oops.

On the bright side, it's not like she told him to "keep on f***ing that chicken." 

Not that there's anything wrong with that. 

Metallicats? October 21, 2009 2:14 PM | permalink

In honor of last month's A Day Without Cats on the internet, we got a fair amount of attention for our video entitled "Maru The Employee," about a cubicle worker who seems to have let watching cats on the internet affect his performance at work.

Now, with this new video from the always awesome Mark Douglas at Barely Digital, it seems that the backlash against internet cats (and the fans they draw) has shifted from a meme to a movement, and does it with a pretty spot on Metallica impression. Check it out:

For whom does the Keyboard Toll now, Keyboard Cat?

It tolls for thee.

Dumb As A Blog Dumb Caption Contest: 'Holy Hoop Hooligans, Batman!' Edition October 21, 2009 10:24 AM | permalink

I realize that not all of you out there are as old as I am or were raised in New England like me. So before you caption this photo, you should probably know that this picture features four of Batman's most famous arch villains from the camp classic 1960's television show, posing with, for reasons unknown, Hall of Fame NBA coach and executive of the Boston Celtics, Red Auerbach.

(Fun fact: the spell checker on our blogging program suggested I spell his name "paperback.")

Why he is posing with these vicious criminals, I have no idea (he did regularly commit the heinous crime of smoking indoors)  but perhaps you can piece together what these nefarious characters are up to.

Write your best caption to the following photo in the comments section below, and if it is chosen by a jury of your peers to be the finest, you will be the proud owner of a Dumb As A Blog T Shirt. 

Now let's see those captions!

NO PURCHASE NECESSARY to enter or win the “Dumb As A Blog Caption Contest”. Contest open to legal residents of the 50 U.S. and D.C., age 18 or older. Subject to Official Rules and void where prohibited. Contest starts 10:00 a.m. ET on 10/21/09 ; ends 11:59p.m. ET on 10/28/09. For Official Rules and entry information log on to http://www.trutv.com/blog_contest_rules.html. Sponsor: Courtroom Television Network LLC, d/b/a tru TV.

Dumb As An Interview: The Guinea Pig Diaries Author A.J. Jacobs October 20, 2009 2:38 PM | permalink

For the past 15 years, author and Esquire editor A.J. Jacobs has lived his life doing experiment after experiment- on himself.

For his book The Year Of Living Biblically he spent a year following the rules of the Bible. In The Know It All Jacobs describes his quest to read the entire Encyclopedia Britannica.

His new book The Guinea Pig Diaries talks about some of the other experiments that he has done over the past 15 years, including following George Washington’s personal list of civility and decent behavior, engaging in a program called Radical Honesty and even outsourcing his entire life to workers in India. He was kind enough to answer some of our questions. 

Many of your experiments seem to be combinations of high concepts designed to entertain the readers of your books and essays, along with genuine attempts to better yourself and learn something in the process. What’s more important; getting the laugh or learning something?

Can I say it’s a tie? Remember that word "edutainment?" Part education, part entertainment. I liked that word, even though it eventually became a punchline. Maybe I’d change the word to ‘entertation.’ Does that sound better?

Seeing as this is Dumb As A Blog, what is the dumbest thing you ever did in one of your experiments?

Probably stoning an adulterer. I was trying to follow the rules of the Bible as literally as possible, and Leviticus says we should stone adulterers. So I did. I used pebbles, so as not to get prosecuted. 

From your experiences following the rules of the bible, living by the guidelines of George Washington’s rules of civility, to Radical Honesty, to even allowing your wife Julie to write a rebuttal chapter, it seems that you have a bit of an obsession with satirizing the concepts of rules, ethics, honesty and fairness. As ridiculous as many rules are, doesn’t society need them?

Excellent question. I actually am a big fan of rules. I’m wary of people who take rules too literally, and who don’t allow for change or debate. I’m wary of people who say “The Bible says homosexuality is a sin, therefore it’s a sin forever and ever.”

But my experiments have actually made me more of a fan of rules than before. We often talk about freedom of choice. But there’s a beauty in having a structure, a set of rules, that limit our choices. I think it makes us happier. For instance, George Washington’s 110 rules of life are really wise – they’re all about self-restraint, self-sacrifice, respect. And not adjusting your crotch in public. That is literally his rule number two. And I’ve found it serves me well.

After 15 years of these experiments, have you come up with any rules that govern your own behavior when selecting a new experiment, or ethics about how you go through with it?

I want my experiments to have the potential to give me real insight. I want them to change my life for the better, even if just a little. It can’t be something like – I’m going to eat a cruller at every Dunkin’ Donuts in America and write about it (Though my wife does keep suggesting that I should take her to every restaurant in New York as my next book.)

In your experiment called “The Rationality Project,” you pasted pictures of eyes all over your house because a study showed that people behaved more ethically when they saw pictures of eyes, as it tricked their brains into thinking they are being watched and judged. You noted that your kids liked to get into staring contests with the eyes. Have your children been affected by any of your other experiments?

First, I do think having my walls adorned with pictures of eyes made my family behave a bit better. (Also, my book actually has big pictures of eyes on the cover, so just having it in the house can have a beneficial effect on your family. Just FYI). Overall, though, I try to keep my kids out of my experiments as much as possible. I don’t want to warp them. Sometimes it can’t be helped, of course. During my year of living biblically, I had this enormous beard, and when I shaved it off, my son was freaked out for a week or so. Who is this stranger in the apartment with his smooth cheeks?

In your books you come off as a fairly normal, semi-geeky guy with a good sense of humor about not just the world, but yourself, combined with a willingness to leap into extraordinarily wacky situations. You also have several cute kids, a skeptical but loving wife and a smoking hot nanny. I’ll put it out there; I smell sitcom. The only thing missing is you tripping over the ottoman as your theme music plays. Any plans in the works?

I like that ottoman idea! Let me know if you’re interested in working on a spec. I’ve had discussions about a sitcom, but I’m actually more interested in developing something unscripted. I’m working with the delightful Morgan Spurlock of Supersize Me and 30 Days fame.

If your life was to become a sitcom would you want to play yourself? If not, who would you like to play you? 

 Well, The Year of Living Biblically has been optioned for a movie by Paramount, and they’ve attached Marlon Wayans. I went out to lunch with him and had a great time. It’s an interesting choice, because if you look at our pictures side by side, you could probably – and I’m going out on a limb here – tell us apart.

 

Two for the Price of One October 19, 2009 3:23 PM | permalink

George Reddick, 34, was arrested in LaFayette, NY early yesterday morning on charges of driving while intoxicated and misdemeanor criminal possession of cocaine. Drugs, drinking and driving are bad,  but not especially uncommon; thus George is not our blog's Dumb Criminal of the Day.

That honor was earned by Stacy E. Kolinski (pictured) who drove to the police barracks to pick up Reddick and give him a ride home.

When Kolinksi, 22, arrived at the barracks, police say they "noticed an odor of alcoholic beverages," and made her go through a battery of field sobriety tests, which she allegedly failed. Her blood alcohol test came in at .20, according to cops; The New York State limit is .08.

Kolinski was ticketed for aggravated DWI and consumption of alcohol in a motor vehicle.

The pair were later picked up from the station by their kindly uncle, Rollo La Rue.

Heavyweight Fight October 19, 2009 11:07 AM | permalink

According to this BBC news story,  demonstrators are gathering outside of the office of the Mayor of London, demanding that he pass a law that would make it a hate crime to attack someone because the victim is fat. We'll keep you up to date on this important story, unless it peters out right around the time the protesters decide to break for lunch.

The demonstration claims that their message is "coming at you with music and fun, and if you're not careful, you may learn something before it's done."

These (Dumb) Kids Today October 15, 2009 8:23 AM | permalink

According to an article from the BBC, a recent study claims that 75 percent of 16-24 year-olds "couldn't live" without the internet. Seeing as I was born and raised without the internet, I scoffed at these ridiculous kids and immediately looked up what was in fact "essential to maintain human life." What I found was the definition of the word "vital" which reads as follows:

vital
1. essential to maintain life
2. of, relating to, having, or displaying life
3.
a. the bodily organs, such as the brain, liver, heart, lungs, etc., that are necessary to maintain life
b. the organs of reproduction

You will note that nowhere in that definition is the word "internet" included. Of course, where did I look it up? 

You guessed it, the internet. 

Rats.

Maybe those dumb kids have a point.

In the Buff and In the Jail October 13, 2009 11:55 AM | permalink

Seeing as this misconception has come up in the past, it's only fair to spell it out in black and white: If you take off all of your clothes, THE POLICE CAN STILL ARREST YOU.

I wrote about a guy last month who unsuccessfully tried to avoid jail by wriggling out of his pants. Now 36-year-old Julia E. Laack (pictured) from Sheboygan, WI has tried the ploy again, with about the same level of success.

After Ms. Laack was allegedly caught on a security camera last week shoplifting from a convenience store, police say they followed her home and attempted to handcuff her when she stripped down to her bra and panties and started screaming that they couldn't arrest a naked woman.

Sadly, this isn't true, as if it was, you'd probably see a lot more nude women  walking into financial institutions wearing nothing but a pair of six-guns yelling "your money or your life!"

I'm getting a great idea for a screenplay. I see Tarantino directing.

After Laack stripped down, cops say she did something else that was unlikely to endear her to them; she kicked one of officers in the crotch. I have had some limited interaction with policemen, and while I can't say this for certain, I suspect that any hesitancy that they might have had about arresting a naked woman was dissolved at the exact moment her foot hit the groin.

Laack was charged with misdemeanor retail theft, felony battery of a peace officer, two counts of disorderly conduct and resisting an officer. If convicted on all counts, she could serve up to five years in jail.

Animal Crackheads October 13, 2009 9:00 AM | permalink

The mission statement of the San Diego Zoo, one of the finest in the world, reads as follows:

The San Diego Zoo is a conservation, education, and recreation organization dedicated to the reproduction, protection, and exhibition of animals, plants, and their habitats.

While no one expects every zoo around the world to achieve the level of prestige that San Diego maintains, it's hard to believe that the latest stunt by a zoo in Gaza City wouldn't violate the policies of "education" and "protection" or even "exhibition" of animals. Israel apparently has such tight restrictions on what can be imported into the Gaza Strip that new zoo animals simply don't make the cut. 

So, when the zebras that were in the zoo's possession died after being neglected during Israel's blockade of Gaza, the zookeepers decided that instead of paying the exorbitant cost of smuggling new zebras into the zoo, they would do the next best thing, and paint a bunch of stripes on some donkeys. 

According to the son of the zoo's owner: "The children don't know, so they call them zebras and they are happy to see something new."

Of course, if you're going to use paint and fake hair on a donkey to give the children a thrill, why not go all the way and make a couple of unicorns?

The 2009 New York Mets: A Look Back October 8, 2009 12:31 PM | permalink

Dumb As A Blog, as longtime readers know, is a celebration of all things stupid.

Since there are very few things stupider than the empty, pointless prognostications that blogs and sportswriters across the nation make at the beginning of baseball season, back in April we made a few of our own.

We may have been wrong about a few things. Joba Chamberlain from the New York Yankees did not win a free colonoscopy and the Chicago Cubs actually showed up for a game or two.

However, check out our prediction for what would happen to the New York Mets:

Dumb as a Blog prediction: The entire borough of Queens will sink into the ocean, after falling victim to the wrath of Poseidon, God of the Sea.

This year, the Mets will not settle for a metaphorical or statistical collapse, but will experience a genuine, fire-and-brimstone, act-of-god disaster. It will doom not only the Mets and their ironically named new park, but the entire borough the ballpark resides in. Poseidon will emerge from the hoary depths of the East River in the form of a mighty Kraken, and after thrusting his mighty trident into the 59th street Bridge, (decimating it instantly) he will  unleash a plague of earthquakes upon the entire borough. Then the God of the Sea will call down a rain of fire to decimate Queens from above as the quakes destroy it from below. As the devastation is complete, the bedrock under the land that once housed Shea Stadium will crumble and sink back into the seas from whence it came, leaving nothing but calm, swirling waters along what will soon come be known as Brooklyn's North Shore.

And remember, you heard it here first. 

When you look at what actually happened to the Mets this season, I have to say, we weren't that far off the mark. 

Here are some actual recaps of the 2009 Mets:

Deadspin:

From the ownership down to the bat boys, the (2009 New York Mets have) been beset by financial issues, management missteps, injuries, errors, poor timing, and just plain bad luck. Every week seemed to bring a new crisis or terrible disaster and through it all, they constantly found inventive and entertaining ways to squander victory. 

Always Amazin': 

Of all the lousy baseball I've ever seen, this past September and now October just feels longer... It's been a long month plus of collecting paychecks, questionable moves, and just praying the management and players can escape Flushing... I found myself just praying for this season to go away so I could finally, at long last, move into offseason mode and start trying to fix what ails my favorite team from the comfort of my couch.

Brooklyn Met Fan

Remember in the first Star Wars film when Luke and his rag tag squadron of X-Wing fighters are attacking the Death Star? I think it’s the chubby X-Wing pilot who, as he is closing in on the bullseye that will destroy the entire Death Star is saying, “Almost there… Almost there…” And then BLAM the tie-fighters blow him away...The end of this awful season is within sight we just have to hang on a little bit longer…

So, maybe our prediction wasn't so dumb after all?

OK, the 59th street bridge?  Still standing.

At least I think it is.

I better go check.

Related: For a slightly more upbeat look at the Mets, check out our exclusive interview with former Mr. Met, AJ Mass!

Doctor Feel Bad October 7, 2009 2:02 PM | permalink

According to WebMD, the kinds of doctors who specialize in the diagnosis and treatment of breast cancer are "surgeons, medical oncologists, plastic surgeons, and radiation oncologists," all of whom work together as a team. You'll note that nowhere on that list is the word "dentists," which is a large part of why a San Jose, CA based dentist named Benva Oshana Lazar (pictured)  is in jail right now for his alleged deeds.

Last April, Lazar, 56, pleaded no-contest to six non-sex related misdemeanor battery charges as part of a plea bargain, after women patients told police that Lazar had touched their breasts during routine dental exams and procedures under the guise of performing a breast-cancer examination.

Thanks to the plea bargain, he received a 9-month jail sentence, which he had been serving for four days, when two more former patients came forward charging that they too had been touched, shall we say "south of the mouth." This time, one of the patients was a 14-year-old girl, and the plea bargain was history. Lazar has now been arraigned on a grand jury indictment of lewd and lascivious acts on a 14-year-old as well as two counts of sexual battery by fraud. If convicted, he could serve up to eight years and have to register as a sex offender.

Apparently "thinking women are so stupid that they think their breasts are in their mouths" is legal in California, or he'd have been busted for that too.

The Internet Doesn't Know What a Vagina Looks Like October 2, 2009 9:53 AM | permalink

In case you weren't aware of the controversy, the entire internet has its panties (or lack thereof???)  in a twist this afternoon over a millisecond flash of what MAY have been some uncovered lady-parts on a recent episode of So You Think You Can Dance.

By the way, some of these links are not safe for work, unless, you know, they are safe for work.

It's kind of complicated.

Perez Hilton seems to have come out strongly in the "yep, it sure is" camp, whereas The Live Feed is presenting it as a definite "maybe." The Huffington Post has refused to take a stand and has left it up to you, the internet pervert viewer, with a handy poll asking the million dollar question "What are we looking at?" At this writing, "panties crease" is trailing in the polling by more than 30 percentage points.

For it's part, Fox has reportedly contacted TMZ and issued the official statement reading "It is a crease in the young lady's panties."

For our part, we are going to stay out of the entire controversy, and just say thank heavens this didn't happen on Dancing With The Stars, and left us wondering if what we saw was actually Tom Delay's "Republican whip."

Thunderclaps, Ho! October 1, 2009 9:49 AM | permalink

Up until today, I had thought that a thunderclap was a something that only happened in nature, when the air surrounding a lightening bolt becomes superheated and expands rapidly, causing a shockwave which manifests itself as thunder.

Now, thanks to the ladies from our Rehab: Party at the Hard Rock Hotel, I have learned that it's actually something caused by shaking your bikini-clad butt. Here's a video sample.

Oh, I'm sorry, that's Thundercats.

My bad.

Here's the real clip.

Now, if only we could get the ladies from Rehab to re-enact that Thundercats intro, then we'd have us a viral video on our hands.

This Bud's For Food? September 28, 2009 4:50 PM | permalink

We all do stupid things when we are young, and if 18-year-old Jamie L. Salonen of Sheboygan, WI  never does another one, she will still have a good story about her "youthful indiscretions." After an officer pulled over the car in which she was  a passenger last Friday, he noticed her moving around suspiciously, and  determined that she had "green material" around her mouth and lips. Upon asking her to open her mouth, he discovered she allegedly had marijuana in there.

Yum!

She was arrested for pre-emptive munchies possession of the drug, and while we are hopeful that this will be her last brush with police, we're not sure it will be, as her knowledge of the law seems hazy. According to the complaint, she seemed surprised that she was being arrested, saying " I only ate some weed, officer."

You know that's illegal too, right?

Hacks Hacked Back September 28, 2009 3:48 PM | permalink

Did you know why prison guards are called "hacks?"

According to urban dictionary, who would know such things, it is an acronym for "Horse's A**es Carrying Keys," a term that guards are surely not only aware of, but none-too-pleased about. But if that is the only definition of the word hack they knew, it might explain a recent embarrassing situation at Ranby Prison, located in England, near Retford, Notts.

According to a story in the UK Mirror, 27-year-old computer hacker Douglas Havard, an inmate serving time for forging credit card information over the internet, was assigned the job of writing a special computer program for the prison. He was left unsupervised, hacked into the system, and not only shut it down, but left it crippled, creating a number of intricate passwords so no one else could gain access. And as for the "hacks" who were supposed to watch him?

They just stood around carrying keys, I'd assume.

Men Are Pigs? September 24, 2009 9:04 AM | permalink

In case any of you ladies out there have ever called your husband a pig, you might decide that you owe him an apology after checking out this clip from The Smoking Gun Presents: World's Dumbest.

Of course, this kind of behavior is nothing new for this blog.

And at least Marion and Rachel never got get arrested for having sex with a table.