Recent product recalls & how they'll impact high school freshmen August 27, 2010 9:45 AM | permalink

The following products have been recalled for your own good.  It may seem unfair now but you’ll thank us when you’re older:

All-Star Basketball Chair and Ottoman Sets (pictured above) were recalled since the paints might contain high levels of lead.

The Food and Drug Administration recalled some fresh foods – one for leaving off an allergy warning and two more because they might be contaminated with Listeria monocytogenes.  Listeria-what? Better not skip Biology this year.

"Axe Unlimited" Deodorant Body Spray recalled in Canada for missing label information Canadians require.

Acer recalled its Aspire Notebook due to a potential overheating-and-melting issue.

MiceDirect recalled their frozen reptile feed because it could potentially carry salmonella.

What does all this mean to you if you are entering high school and you’re practically an adult?

1. Yyyyyyyyyes! Your mom’s plan to humiliate you with un-lunch-able rabbit food is DENIED and that last-minute lunch money works in the vending machines and the candy store. Goodbye, tofurkey with sprouts and a side of broccoli raisin salad – hello, Cheez-Its, beef jerky and Mountain Dew! Another thing: sliced apples are a dessert only in the deranged mind of a mother, and what she doesn’t know (about four Snickers bars) can’t hurt her.

2. The only good thing on that boring family trip to Montreal was scoring some off-limits Axe body spray. Not only did your mom confiscate it (c’mon, it’s only recalled in Canada), she wants to mail it back. She says “unscented deodorant is good enough” but now you worry that you probably don’t smell like you have to shave .

 3. Yeah! You won’t be getting your stupid older sister’s hand-me-down computer with that stupid Justin Bieber sticker! Now you are a Mac! Or maybe you’re a PC. No, better be a Mac. Or a PC? Um. Better check out what everybody else has.

4. Finally you can ditch the chair in the shape of a basketball (you play soccer) your wacky aunt Coco gave you because she thinks you’re still a kid. Maybe your folks will get you the chair you really want.

5. Really, really, really got to remember to feed your pet ball python when Mom’s out. When she walked and the live mouse was still running around the aquarium… not a good scene. Somewhere in all that screaming it sounded like “give it back to the store.”

6. You should have known to check out your mom’s idea of “a cool new cell phone” after school but your (former) best friend, Kyle, snagged it and now everyone on the bus knows you don’t have cool games like Alien Pirate Raid or Sasquatch Battalion. No. You’re loaded up with “useful” homework apps and – yikes! – product recall alerts.  Awwwwwwwwww, Mom, did you have to?

Recent product recalls & how they will put a cramp in your Saturday night August 19, 2010 10:40 AM | permalink

You’ve read fitness magazines. You’ve bought form-enhancing items from Lingerie We Go! But looks like recent product recalls will ensure that your date with a hot trainer is rated G.

EZVille, Ltd. recalled Solo Slim because it contained an undeclared drug.

LaMont Limited recalled Belle Vanity Benches because of potential instability.

Optimus d/b/a Marky’s recalled some truffle puree due to errors in processing.

The South Bend Chocolate Company recalled some chocolate because the label didn’t list nuts as ingredients.

What does all this mean for your date with that hot personal trainer?

• Good news: Not only do you fit into your skinny jeans, but those diet pills raised your pulse rate. It’s almost as if you’ve been working out!

• The bell rings. You call, “come in!” and pose at your vanity, flexing rock-hard calves (thanks, 5th floor walk-up!) You look buff. You look trim. Until the bench wobbles.

• Aphrodisiacs are tried-and-true, so you serve wine and your famous truffles eggs. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach – sometimes straight through, at high speed.

• When your guest is back from, eh, freshening up, you appear from the kitchen and say in your huskiest voice, “You should stay for breakfast.” He flees. Those kinky dating sites forget to say that if you cover yourself in chocolate, it’s sexier without the lumps.

Nuts.

Recent product recalls & how they'll screw with your ability to be a secret agent August 2, 2010 1:37 PM | permalink

Meg Sweeney Lawless is back a third time with the latest real product recalls and how they might bust up your burgeoning spy career.  Hooray!

The following products were recalled recently for our own good:

Gehl Foods’ Nacho Cheese and Chili Sauce Dispensers has an internal fan that might touch its heater coils.

The Tiny Love toy company has recalled its wind chimes because a few children figured out how to disembowel and decided to consume them.

The company Good Health, Inc. recalled the dietary supplement Vialipro -- a pill that claims to be a pecker-upper -- because its ingredients included actual drugs. There’s a contact number -- 866-607-0338 – but the web site www.Vialipro.com seems to be, well, down. It could happen to anyone.

BRP has recalled some Ski-Doo®s because the snowmobile’s fuel hose could be worn away by use and cause a fire.

Salomon USA is recalling ski boots and pads because they could separate from the skis.

Federal marshals with a warrant seized Keystone Pharmaceuticals, Inc.’s cyanide antidote kits because they lacked things like FDA approval and directions how to use them.

What these recalls will mean for your career in MI6:

The beautiful henchwoman thinks you’re a rich playboy unaware that the David Beckham bobble head on the mantle is filled with the world’s most addictive new drug, video heroin. Since nothing destroys a woman’s evil allegiances like sex, you decide to give it a try so she’ll lead you to the cartel and you’ll – what’s that smoky, smoky chili smell? The nacho dispenser! You unplug it and say, “Nothing in this room is hotter than you.” Now she’s suspicious. Or hates corny men. You move to the window to signal your colleagues to close it – but the wind chimes are nowhere in sight!

“Looking for these?” the henchwoman purrs. In one hand are bits of wind chimes; in the other, a martini. You smile and wonder if the drinks are (1) poisoned (2) not poisoned (3) sort of poisoned. You clink glasses and sip. It burns. Perfect. She presses herself so close she’s inside your clothes and as the wind chime clatters to the floor, she moans, “Anyway, that’s for babies.”

  Babies. BABIES??? Not babies, not babies, not now… think fortifying thoughts! RELAX! Too late. Your “little spy” is down for the count. Your hand reaches for a cigarette case on the sideboard – but it’s empty! “The pills will only let you down,” she says. You notice the bobble head is gone. You don’t have to turn around to know she’s holding a gun – especially not when she pistol whips your cranium and leaves you in a crumpled heap.

From far, far away you hear her opening the garage door where you store the snowmobile. She swears and slams back in the house, and gathers the skis and poles and boots from the front hallway. As you regain consciousness, you can see her through the window, clattering through the unseasonable Mauna Kea snow. She lifts one boot, then the other. Her curses echo from Hilo to Waimea. Now is the time to leap into action, apprehend her, and force a full confession! 

  Go ahead! Now! Before she finds the inner tubes! Before she makes another martini! The martini. Smells almondy, like almonds. Tastes bitter, like… cyanide! The beautiful henchwoman is running for the helicopter now, but cyanide didn’t work on Rasputin and it won’t work on you – not with the cyanide antidote tucked into your sock garter and the directions are, are, ah -- kchllllllk.

Recent product recalls & what they mean for your struggling indie band July 26, 2010 9:30 AM | permalink

Meg Sweeney Lawless is back to hep you to the latest real product recalls and how this new batch might totally harsh your band's mellow.  Enjoy!

 The following products were recalled recently for our own good:

Night Train Amplifier Carrying Cases (the defective clasp could break and cause injury)

Firehouse Jerky (additional contents besides beef and jerky) 

Baja Motorsports Go-Kart (can suddenly accelerate)

Power Clear 180 Single Stage Snow Blower (carburetor needle might corrode, eventually other stuff happens and maybe a fire which might eventually get rid of snow but...)

Chrysler 2008/2009 Town & Country (short circuit could ignite)

What these recalls will mean for your struggling indie band:

1. Your first professional video shoot is now doomed (see “non-refundable deposit”)!  Without a snow blower to drive crumbled Styrofoam across the parking lot, the final, tragic “nuclear winter” scene is now a shot of three guys standing in a slushie.

2. On the one hand, the beef jerky contained unwanted healthy wheat and soy; on the other hand, a bag of jerky is better than a six-pack of beer and Jaeger shots on an empty stomach.

3. Now that Larry has to lug his amp in two skinny arms, he’ll trip and land on his back. Wait’ll you see the little red grocery cart his mom gets him for hauling gear. Wait’ll you see him use it.

4. The colossal three-city tour (Elmira, NY – Wheaton, IL – maybe a pick-up gig) will suck now that can’t count on your mother’s Town & Country. It was going to be hard enough to hook up in a minivan, but a reconditioned poultry truck? Why do these feathers keep sticking?

5. No go cart means no awesome side trip to Burning Man.

This year you were going to be ready for Burning Man. You’d trick out your kid brother’s go cart with band insignia and your mutant vehicle would mesmerize the hordes at Burning Man. But now you won’t have a buzz or a following or thousands of instant fans to make every day Burning Man. It’s probably for the best.

Last year, Larry tripped and sat hard on a rebar. So at least so you won’t have to explain things to a dozen skeptical health professionals again.

But don't despair: Odds were good the band was gonna break up anyway.

Top image: Justin Pierre of Motion City Soundtrack on Getty Images.  Visit the band's site to find out about their "Give a Little Help" video contest that could aid a charity that's close to your heart.

Recent product recalls & how they will impact your weekend July 15, 2010 9:01 AM | permalink

The following products were recalled recently for our own good:

Felt Bicycles (the steer tube could break and cause accidents)

Chicken of the Sea (seal could allow contamination)

Super Lightning Rocket Fireworks (a tad too explode-ish)

Scope Original Mint Mouthwash (not-so-child-resistant cap)

Christy Women’s Robes (not-so-fire-resistant)

Youth Tiaras (not-so-not-having-lead)

How this affects your weekend:

1. You can’t spend Saturday festooning your bike with streamers in the spokes and riding past that girl’s house about a million times until her father comes at you with the hose.

2. Without tiaras to crown the winners, there may be fewer beauty pageants to engage toddlers and their stage mothers. Not only will there be more rug rats underfoot, but all those bored and unattended children will have fresher breath.

3. Heirs of wealthy widows will need a new diabolical scheme instead of suggesting that she light the honorary first Super Lightning Rocket at dawn while wearing her lovely new robe.

  4. Thanks to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, all your pyro pals will now know which fireworks are likely to be the splodiest. Hide under the porch with your cat until it’s over.

5. Some cans may have been sealed improperly which might lead you to an unrelated, but nonetheless unsettling question: “Why are there bones & skin in my can of Traditional Salmon?” Really hope those are salmon skin and bones.  There is a picture of a mermaid on the can.  Just saying.

Images: cpsc.gov, fda.gov