Teens Think 'Drunk' Man Crashing Lawn Mower into School Bus No Laughing Matter. Yeah, Right. October 30, 2009 11:10 AM | permalink

It's one thing to be caught doing something really stupid. It's another thing to then be laughed at by a bus full of middle-schoolers.

On Wednesday afternoon Ronald Martin (pictured) allegedly got drunk and drove his $10,000 riding lawnmower into the back of a stopped school bus in Florida. The crash caused Martin and his mower mate, Charlene Mallorey, to fall off the gardening vehicle.

It should come as no surprise that some of the teens on the bus found this pretty funny. But their adolescent giggles enraged Martin, who became so agitated that he tried to board the bus, according to cops. Luckily, the bus driver was able to prevent Martin from "teaching these young whipper-snappers a lesson," getting on board and police soon arrived on the scene, charging the 29-tear-old Martin with DUI, threatening a public servant and criminal mischief.

Don't Poop Where You Eat--Or Something Like That October 29, 2009 5:35 PM | permalink

There's an old saying where I come from:

Don't build a massive illegal drug factory right behind the local police department.

Seems like you wouldn't have to tell someone this, but I guess you do.

Michael MacConnell, pictured, allegedly had 300 marijuana plants growing in his Mint Hill, NC home. His house was about 1/10th of a mile from the local police station. All cops had to do to get to the place was walk out the rear of their station and stroll past the Mint Hill Barber Shop and Realty World. They would know they'd gone too far if they wound up at the Lawyer's Glen Retirement Center.

Police sauntered over to the Lawyers  Road residence yesterday after someone stopped by the station to complain that he had been assaulted there.

MacConnell, 40, faces several felony drug counts.

Q And A with Werewolf Author and truTV Blogger Ritch Duncan October 29, 2009 11:56 AM | permalink

Over the history of Dumb as a Blog, we've had many well-known authors on our masthead.

Honore de Balzac (pictured) spent some time on the "Dumb Criminal" beat in 1831-1833, but editors had to let him go when he began getting drunk at bars around town and saying unkind (but true) things about our parent company's annual Christmas food drive.

Franz Kafka also spent a while contributing to the site in 1911, but his depressing tone and sad insight into the nature of man didn't really fit with our light-hearted spirit.

And the old salts who were here when Norman Mailer covered "Dumb or Clever," mostly just laugh about the time Mailer challenged our copy editor to a fistfight over an issue involving split infinitives.

This fine literary  tradition continues with Ritch Duncan (below), our blogger who recently co-wrote The Werewolf's Guide to Life : A Manual for the Newly Bitten, published by Broadway Books.

During the work day Ritch is normally very busy watching old Boston Bruins games on YouTube and sexually harassing interns, but he was kind enough to answer a few of our questions in order to plug his book.

What has been the reaction to your book from the werewolf community?

They have been overwhelmingly supportive. Still, werewolves are people, and sometimes people disagree. Some have claimed that publishing facts about werewolves could be dangerous to them. We feel that suppressing the truth for fear that some werewolf hunter might misuse the information is like blocking sex education because it might cause kids to have sex. If a werewolf hunter is devoted enough, he can find out most of this himself, but if he reads it in our book, he might also see a picture of lycanthropes as well-adjusted, high-functioning members of society who are managing their condition safely.

Everyone knows vampires are hot now. Why write a book about werewolves? Do you simply have a bad agent?

They say "write what you know," and what we know is werewolves. If we only sold a single copy of the book and it found its way into the hands of just one newly-bitten werewolf who then learned how to safely restrain himself during his moons, thereby saving not only his life but the lives of his neighbors, loved ones and pets, it would all have been worth it.

All we can really tell you about vampires or, as we describe them in the book, "the smug, effeminate undead," is that they are to be avoided at all costs. They are jerks, and like to sleep with other people's wives. We're happy working with werewolves. Our agent, Byrd Leavell at the Waxman Literary Agency, is neither a werewolf nor a vampire, and has been great.

Who would win in a fight between a werewolf and Godzilla?

Assuming Godzilla is real, there's two ways to answer this. If the werewolf is in his fully transformed wild state, I gotta go with the big lizard.Werewolves are ferocious, but are out of their weight class here. If the werewolf in question is in his dormant (human) form, and happens to be a nuclear physicist with a keen awareness of Godzilla's weaknesses, he might have a chance to outwit him and win.
 
Who are some famous werewolves in history? Other than Dolly Madison.
Our book has a recurring feature called "famous lycs through time," which we include to let newly bitten werewolves know that it is possible to not only survive with this condition, but thrive. One of them is the late beat poet Alan Ginsberg, which forces a completely different interpretation of his famous poem "Howl."

Would it have been easier for you to write the book if you were a werewolf yourself?

Probably not. It's still too dangerous for a werewolf to admit his condition publicly, so my co-author Bob Powers and I were able to speak for them, while allowing them to remain safely anonymous. Plus, making deadlines is harder when you're chained to a wall in your basement for three nights out of every month.

What is the biggest misconception about werewolves?

That they are monsters. Our book attempts to dispel the ignorant rumors spread by Hollywood movies and supernatural romantic 'tween fiction. Ignorance creates monsters. Lycanthropy does not. 

Where do werewolves stand on the public option?

Strictly speaking, werewolves should avoid doctors. The regenerative quality of their monthly transformations tends to ward off disease, and werewolves also heal much faster than non-lycanthropes. Still, many werewolves maintain health coverage so as to not attract attention to themselves, so anything the government can do to lower those monthly costs would be greatly welcomed.

Can mistletoe really ward off werewolves, or is that a silly folktale?

Sadly, that's just a folktale. Same thing with wolfsbane. If you put some mistletoe up in your house though, you might be able to get a werewolf to make out with you, but only in his dormant state. In his wild state, the best course of action is to run. 

You are a new father. Ever tell werewolf stories to your daughter?

She's still pretty young, so not yet. We're a big Mo Willems house. If The Pigeon ever gets bit by a werewolf, we'll be all over that. 

Jets Quarterback Has A Weiner October 26, 2009 11:58 AM | permalink

The New York Jets beat the Oakland Raiders yesterday,  Sure, running Shonn Greene rushed for 144 yards and team's defense held the Raiders to 97 yards passing, but the big Jets news of the day was that TV cameras caught rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez woofing down a hot dog on the bench midway through the fourth quarter.

"I want to apologize for that," a chagrined Sanchez said later of being caught red hot handed. "I tried to be discreet...It won't happen again."

Dumb Criminal of the Week--If You Don't Vote Now, Bad Things May Happen October 23, 2009 5:06 PM | permalink

As of this very minute, 2,807 brave truTV visitors have cast their vote for the most recent Dumb Criminal of the Week. The "winner"? Mr. Adam J. Manning, who, police say, groped a good-looking nurse while his girlfriend was giving birth to their child.

While Adam's alleged act will be hard to top, we've got five folks lined up whose behavior is certainly a discredit to their various races and sexes. So without further adieu, here are this week's distinguished nominees, pictured at left to help refresh your memories. Polls will be open for one week only! :

MONDAY:Two for the Price of One

TUESDAY: Talk About a Cold Case

WEDNESDAY: Spiritual Misguidance

THURSDAY: Have it Your Weed

FRIDAY: One for the Road 

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One For the Road October 23, 2009 12:16 PM | permalink

We've written numerous times on this blog about marijuana users who, when cornered by cops, eat their weed as to hide the contraband.

James Robinson, pictured, took this feckless method of burying evidence to a new and absurd low.

Ohio police pulled over Robinson's car this week after he allegedly tried to break into his ex-wife's house. Cops who made the stop say he smelled of alcohol, had bloodshot, glassy eyes and failed a field sobriety test.

As he was being processed, Robinson grabbed the open bottle of Smirnoff vodka police had found in the vehicle and drank all the remaining booze.

The ploy didn't work, as cops charged him with having an open container, operating a vehicle under the influence and tampering with evidence.

They Don't Make 'Help Wanted' Ads Like These Anymore October 23, 2009 10:08 AM | permalink

An attorney places a help wanted ad for a secretary and asks for "a description of your physical features, including measurements" He later writes the prospective employee to explain that as part of her workload she "would be required to have sexual interaction with me and my partner, sometimes together sometimes separate," and "this part of the job would require sexy dressing and flirtatious interaction with me and my partner, as well as sexual interaction."

Is the this a plot line from the season finale of Mad Men? Or what Samir Chowhan, a Chicago immigration attorney, is being charged with by the Illinois Attorney Registration & Disciplinary Commission?

Band on the Dumb October 19, 2009 12:13 PM | permalink

 
Do you like the music of Lil Wayne, Bon Jovi, Kenny Chesney, Beyonce, Justin Timberlake or Fall Out Boy?

Then you're stupid.

Or so says a California Institute of Technologies grad student named Virgil Griffith, who, using Facebook, analyzed students' favorite bands as well as the average of their college class'  SAT scores.

The questions still unanswered: Do dumb folks simply like those acts, or do those acts make folks stupid?

Old Woman Throws a Ball October 12, 2009 3:06 PM | permalink

At some point you've probably found yourself wondering, "How far could a 100-year-old woman throw a shot put? Five feet? Six feet?"

How about thirteen feet...and four inches.

That's what great grandmother Ruth Frith did at the World Masters Games in Australia.

Her training secrets? She doesn't drink or smoke and she doesn't eat vegetables.

Frith won a gold medal at the quadrennial games, which isn't that impressive, since she was the only one in her 100+ age category.

Labor Day Grope-A-Dope October 12, 2009 10:32 AM | permalink

 
There may be an appropriate moment for a man to flirt with an attractive female nurse and touch her breast.

But while the woman is attending the birth of your child is certainly not one of those moments.

Adam J. Manning (pictured) allegedly engaged in such rakish behavior on Friday. The 30-year-old was with his partner at the McKay-Dee Hospital in Utah while she was in labor; Manning's attention was diverted from Lamaze breathing to the attractive nurse assisting the birth, looking her "up and down and [making] an observation about her appearance...about how cute she looks," according to Ogden police.

Manning then told the nurse that it appeared as if her neck was in pain; he gave her a brief massage before sticking his hand down her uniform and touching her breast, cops say.

Police arrested Manning on suspicion of felony forcible sexual abuse. His child was born while he was waiting in the Weber County jail

Location, Location, Location! October 2, 2009 1:29 PM | permalink

What would you say is the dumbest place from which to steal $1,000?

If you guessed "the office of the Chief of Police," you're a winner.

The guy who's not a winner, is John Prentis (pictured).  He's the Einstein accused of kicking in the chief's office door at the Elmwood Place Police Department in Ohio and making off with one thousand bucks from an evidence room on Monday.

According to the police report, Prentis did think to wipe his fingerprints off the doorknob when he left the scene of the crime, which he surely thought was a clever move.  But cops never had to dust for prints, because they claim they have a surveillance tape that shows the whole shebang.

Prentis was arrested and is expected to face charges that include breaking and entering.

"Everything together just points to how dumb he was. America's dumbest criminals," noted Elmwood Place Chief William Peskin. "He would make the number one on the Top Ten countdown."

Thanks to Twitter follower Oldiesman for the tip!

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End Zone Shenanigans North of the Border September 21, 2009 12:59 PM | permalink

The National Football League may have a worldwide following, Peyton Manning and a new billion dollar stadium.

But the Canadian Football League has a fan who climbs goalposts.

Something To Think About This Week September 21, 2009 10:54 AM | permalink

Could working with a "moron" kill you?

The answer may surprise you.

Bin There, Done That September 16, 2009 9:00 AM | permalink

For this couple in Witchita, KS, the question remains, which was stupider: to have a sexual tryst inside a Dumpster, or allow yourself to be robbed of their shoes, jewelry and the wallet by two men who are nearly senior citizens.

Cops Stop Man From Enjoying Hot Beer September 11, 2009 10:40 AM | permalink

Bad day for George Linthicum. After the 47-year-old Floridian lost his job he went to a Bayou George convenience store and started drinking a twelve ounce beer. He allegedly had no intention of paying for the item and told the clerk so.

Police were called and they hauled Linthicum, pictured, off to jail. Probably aware that cold brewskis are not prison repast, he asked deputies if he could finish his drink before he was taken to lock up. 

They were not obliging.

Fake Bomb Explodes in Man's Face September 4, 2009 10:41 AM | permalink

William Jordan is a mechanic who works for the American League Champion Tampa Bay Rays. Perhaps worked is more accurate.

On Wednesday, as a practical joke, Jordan (pictured) taped a fake bomb--made from a beeper and wires--to a shelf before the team's home game at Tropicana Field, according to police, who called in the regional bomb squad to investigate even after Jordan, 38, confessed to the tasteless prank.

While the team hasn't said if they'll fire Jordan, it probably isn't a good sign,  when your boss says this to the media:  "His actions were in very poor taste and do not reflect the values of the organization."

Jordan was charged with "planting a hoax device."

Bank Refuses To Give Helping Hand to Unarmed Customer September 1, 2009 11:18 AM | permalink

I used to work in a bank, so I know the importance of following the letter of the law when you're employed as a teller.

But one worker at a Tampa bank took things a little too far when she demanded Steve Valdez supply a fingerprint when he tried to cash a check written to his wife.

The issue?

Valdez was born without any arms.

Dumb Criminal of the Week -- Vote NOW! August 7, 2009 4:08 PM | permalink

With 1,801 votes currently tallied, Mitchell Deslatte, the young man who allegedly drove drunk to what he thought was a "hotel"  but was, in actuality, a Louisiana State Trooper station, was voted the Dumb Criminal of the Last Week.

Now onto this week's list. Remember, polls are open for just one week.

MONDAY: I'm Ready for My Close-Up

TUESDAY: Lawmower DUI?!

WEDNESDAY: Don't Hire Cop to Kill Your Husband

THURSDAY: Vera Stupid

FRIDAY:Kitty Porn

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Kitty Porn August 7, 2009 10:52 AM | permalink

Of all the ridiculous alibis we've ever written about on Dumb as a Blog, the one used by Keith R. Griffin (pictured) is by far and away the most preposterous.

Sheriff's Deputies in Martin County, FL, say they found over 1,000 images of child pornography on Griffin's home computer. Griffin's excuse? His cat downloaded the images while Griffin was out of the house.

If  true, Griffin, 48, owns the cleverest yet most disturbed tabby in the world.

Griffin allegedly admitted that he "enjoyed" looking at a variety of pornographic images. So his cat knew its master. Griffin was charged Wednesday with possession of child porn and is currently in the county jail. No word yet on the feline's fate.

A Very Expensive Ticket July 24, 2009 10:03 AM | permalink

Is $23,000,000,000,000,000 too much to pay for a train ticket?

Lydia Alcock,18, thought so. Seems her credit card company made a teeny tiny error and "accidentally" overcharged her and 12,000 other customers for a variety of purchases. So if you're a Visa card holder, you may want to double-check your recent statement. That $37,000,000,000,000 Gap charge is likely a mistake.

But the $250,000 season ticket deposit bill from the New York Yankees is probably accurate.

Criminals Get Caught Escaping on Pigskin? July 20, 2009 10:38 AM | permalink

Americans may read the headline that some criminals tried to escape a robbery "On a 3MPH Punt" and assume some bad guys played football. Turns out a punt is actually a boat. Go figure.

A Trail of Stupidity July 16, 2009 4:49 PM | permalink

When I published a story about nude ambler Sando Hamilton earlier today, I was confident that he would be the dumbest hiker I would write about all day.

That's before I read the story of Paul Manchester.

The 47-year-old veterinarian, pictured, was hiking in the Scottish Highlands in February when, as a joke, he wrote "HELP" in the snow, in big 12 foot letters, near the peak's summit. He was with friends, having fun, and no one was in any danger.

But a local mountain rescue squad saw the letters and, thinking it was real, contacted an emergency helicopter. By the time Manchester could explain his poorly-timed prank, over $9,000 had been spent in rescue fees.

A court today fined Manchester about $900 on breach of peace charges. The chagrined mountaineer said " It's very embarrassing and I'm full of regret...I've not been up a mountain since."

Buff Ambler Charged For Raw Trek July 16, 2009 3:32 PM | permalink

When Nebraska police caught Sando Hamilton, pictured, hiking naked in a local park, his excuse seemed rather ridiculous: Hamilton claimed that an armed robber stole his clothes.

Cops weren't buying the 19-year-old's story and Hamilton now has a new, equally preposterous alibi: he claims that he was so hot (temperature hot, not sexy hot) that he disrobed and walked around in his birthday suit in order to simply cool down. When he finished his au naturel constitutional, he said, his clothes were missing.

I'm no Columbo, but I'm guessing Hamilton will change his story at least one more time before this case is closed.

In the meantime, he's been charged with making a false statement to a police officer and indecent exposure.

British Female Prison Guard Too Sexy? July 16, 2009 10:32 AM | permalink

I had no idea this was possible, much less a real problem, but a female prison security guard has turned out to be too pretty. A British female security guard.

Amitjo Kajla, 22, was fired from her job at Brinsford Prison in West Midlands. UK. In court proceedings this week, it was alleged she had dressed "provocatively," for inmates, including wearing make up. She's suing for compensation.

I see Natalie Portman in the movie role.

When Bad Guys Go Good July 14, 2009 10:15 AM | permalink

Everyone hates a jailhouse snitch.

But what if a prisoner is dropping a dime on someone who isn't within the confines the penitentiary. Does that count as being a rat?

A 15-year-old was trying to break into a car parked just outside the Rockingham County (VA) Jail last week, according to local officials. An inmate saw the crime and alerted guards, who passed the information on to cops, who quickly arrested the youth on tampering and other charges.

No word if the imprisoned whistle-blower was raped anally for his breach of penal etiquette .

Barbie Drug Dealer July 13, 2009 11:35 AM | permalink

Which of these things doesn't belong in an alleged narcotics dealer's drug den?

Cocaine. Marijuana. Surveillance cameras. Drug paraphernalia. Digital scales. A gun-cleaning kit. Night-vision goggles. A large collection of Barbie dolls. A loaded submachine gun.

Kids Today, With Their Texting and Lawyers July 13, 2009 10:13 AM | permalink

Alexa Longueira, 15, was, as teen girls are wont to do, texting on her cell phone, oblivious to the world, and didn't see the open manhole cover in front of her. The Staten Islander fell into the hole, but it was no case of Alexa in Wonderland, as she fell four feet in to what her mother described as a "putrid" sewer.

The young woman escaped with only a few scrapes and bruises, but nonetheless her family is now suing the City of New York.

It Was the One Place Cops Wouldn't Look. Oh Wait, It Was the First Place Cops Looked July 10, 2009 2:33 PM | permalink

In the past we've told you about dumb places stupid criminals try to hide their drugs: a vagina, the front seat of a parked vehicle, and, of course, the arse.

But today we've got a couple of who found an especially idiotic place to allegedly hide their cocaine this week: under a police car.

Cops in Pennsylvannia say when they stopped Crystal Valentin, 19, and Francisco Rodriguez, 24, (not the Mets pitcher of the same name, although if it was it wouldn't be worst thing to happen to the team this year), tried to hide their contraband by throwing it under the squad car. The officer saw through the clever ruse and arrested the pair. Authorites obtained a search warrant of the pair's home and allegedly found crack, a shotgun and more crack. 

The pair has been charged with drug trafficking.

Bad Career Advice? Yeah, Yeah, Yeah! July 10, 2009 1:06 PM | permalink

Meet the man who, 50 years ago, told Paul McCartney to give up his dreams of being in a band, telling the future Beatle, "Surely, there's no future in the musical industry in Liverpool." 

He also told McCartney he thought the name The Beatles "would never catch on."

Can You See Me Now? July 9, 2009 2:29 PM | permalink

Michelle Olesen's wedding was spoiled when a thief at the reception stole gifts and a pair of her family's cell phones.

But Olesen decided to try to hunt for her missing booty. She and her new husband contacted their wireless provider, who provided the numbers the robber dialed with the pinched phones. One of those numbers belonged to the bandit's girlfriend, who dropped a dime on the sticky-fingered larcenist and helped Olesen get the phones back.

Imagine Olesen's surprise when she found that the alleged kleptomaniac had snapped a few self-portraits with one of the phones (pictured). She handed the evidence over to Kansas police, who say the unnamed suspect, whom they are now searching for, worked as a catering assistant at the function.

BONUS:Click here to see video of more wedding day disasters.