Dance Off with the Star Wars Stars 2009 August 6, 2009 9:31 AM | permalink

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, called Disney's Hollywood Studios, was something called "Star Wars Weekend." Yes, there was a little dancing. And yes, in costumes. Yes, Star Wars costumes. Prepare youself:

Crazy Carting June 23, 2009 2:22 PM | permalink

Dumbest Game Ever June 19, 2009 9:01 AM | permalink

It's perhaps America's saddest pastime: web-based video games. And we found the dumbest, most irritatingly boring of them all. It's called "Go Right" on Adult Swim. No vibrating wireless control. No accelerometer. Nope, just the familiar old right arrow key, the fun "p" button, and the slender "space bar." And all you can do is travel -- to the right -- on a flat plane and skip over the occasional meatball. It's the dumbest thing ever... but oddly comforting, like meatloaf or loose meat sandwiches themselves. It's literally about as fun as scratching your your itchy skin.

Enjoy!

The Resurrection of the Cheesuses May 19, 2009 4:46 PM | permalink

Another Cheesus was discovered Tuesday, this time in Dallas.

The Jesus-shaped Cheetos snack was found by Dan and Sara Bell, who say they will probably try to sell their iconic snack on eBay. Cheessus appraisers predict it will fetch a modest price at auction due to having just one arm and the sagging economy; estimates for the piece range from the sub-one-dollar range to three dollars. The Bells say they may end up eating Cheesus if the bids are too low.

Here's a handy photo gallery of other Jesus-shaped things and stuff.

And here's our favorite Cheesus from Dumb as a Blog, along with the Talking Holy Salami

Flying Kitty Happily Sits on Dash of Landing Plane May 18, 2009 2:17 PM | permalink

Winning The Pest Battle May 1, 2009 9:00 AM | permalink

What's the solution to the enraging problem of rodents on your property? Pump propane and oxygen into their burrow and blow them up with The Rodenator!

Literally feel the the earth move under your feet. As the company's CEO notes, the "enormous underground concussive force" collapses the burrows and underground tunnels made by animals in your yard or farm. Furthermore, he suggests, it's more about the principle: you're using violence to solve problems, and that is satisfying.

That's My Chevy! April 8, 2009 12:37 PM | permalink

These Chevelles are pretty uncommon, so if you're stealing one don't just list her on Craigslist -- because the owner might come a-knocking.

That's the lesson 19-year-old William P. Jones III (below) learned earlier this week in Palm Beach after allegedly stealing a 1970 Chevy Chevelle then posting an ad for it on Craiglist. It didn't take long for the owner -- and the police -- to find it.

Jones was arrested for grand theft auto and other charges.

You'd think with all those roman numerals after his name Jones would exhibit a little more smartitude.

Ohio So Nice Even Robbers Make Change? March 25, 2009 5:58 PM | permalink

People in the Buckeye State are such a pleasant lot that it seems even the bandits mind their manners.

Take Michael Rouckes (pictured), a 60-year-old who put a Cincinnati man he knew in a headlock, stuck a gun to his head and then robbed him of $50, according to police in North College Hill, OH.

Here's the nice part: when Rouckes realized his victim had given him $10 more than he was seeking, police say he tried to return the ten bucks. The victim refused to take the money, which seems like it might have been a tad awkward.

Who knows, maybe even thieves know to lower prices in a recession.

Rouckes was charged with aggravated robbery.

Now, vote in the latest, greatest Dumb Criminal of the Week poll right here!

All My Friends! March 6, 2009 5:00 PM | permalink

Over at the Crime Library today we have a collection of mug shots culled from around the web (but mostly from The Smoking Gun) of tattooed perps, like this friendly face here. Check it out. In April, we'll be releasing the Limited Edition Mug Shots Collectors Plates, made of fine bone china and four karat gold detailing, with all your favorite characters.

Hot on the Cold Track of Dumb Criminals March 2, 2009 5:46 PM | permalink

Police responded to a Durham, NC bank robbery Monday morning to find that the thieves had escaped by walking away from the crime-- but leaving their tell-tale tracks in the snow.

Officers say they followed the wet footprints to a nearby hotel where they found the alleged thieves Khesan Karreem Smalls, 30 and Katrina Ebette Rogers, 19 in the lobby.

Next time, kids, remember to cover your tracks and just stay in your grandmother's basement for three weeks until the coast is clear. Trust me, I've been there. She says "hello!"

Songs in the Key of a Butt Crack and an Air Hose February 24, 2009 5:07 PM | permalink

This mechanic has learned to play his tush like a fine musical instrument. And that instrument has the full melodic range of a chainsaw. See for yourself:

Michael Cera Flips Out on Set... February 9, 2009 12:25 PM | permalink

...for publicity purposes? Or is this a genuine meltdown? My money's on marketing stunt, since the film is identified at the end. Plus, unlike Christian Bale's scrumptious blow up, which has spawned a thousand parodies (one of which can be seen here),  there's a camera capturing the alleged eruption and it's a little unbelievable that Cera wouldn't have noticed. Plus, he's a professional funnyman, which just builds the case. As he says, "people laugh when things are funny." Also, here's a video of a cat flipping.

FYI: All videos here, save the cat flipping, are unsafe for work.

Whale of an Attack February 9, 2009 9:50 AM | permalink

Score one for the whales in their ongoing battle with their top predator: Japanese fishing boats.

Our favorite environmentalist and cult figure Paul Watson, from the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, confirmed that his boat chased down a Japanese whaler and attacked it. The weapon? The boat simply rammed the fishing vessel. Watson said the fishermen made a futile attempt to defend themselves against the attack by throwing blubber and whale parts at the Sea Shepard's crew, as well as spraying them with water. Imagine trying to explain your sea scars were actually caused by a bunch of whale-huggers riding around in something called the Sea Shepard. Not very piratey, matey.

On Trying to Sell Your Daughter for Boxes of Meat -- and Getting Caught January 13, 2009 2:49 PM | permalink

When the fella who bought his daughter for marriage was late on payments, a California father -- undoubtedly with good intentions in mind -- was determined to repossess his 14-year-old child from the deadbeat, police say.

That didn't go too smooth. No it did not. Problem is, see, it's illegal to sell your daughter into marriage for $16,000, beer and cases of "meat." Both men have a lot of answering to do with authorities. Do the math: the buyer was 18 and that plus 14 equals 32 which makes it statutory rape, even if she went willingly. And of course she did! Her father trades people for meat. Really! Here's the story.

As for Daddy, we'll see him in prison, where people really do get traded for stuff. But good stuff, like cigarettes and "back rubs."

CAT FOUND! December 11, 2008 9:34 AM | permalink

This kitty cat is lost, scared, and not housebroken at all. He may be looking for a home. His breed is unclear. Siamese?

Do you recognize this little guy, and maybe he belong to you?

Read the posting here.

 

The Bankers And Their Salty Salty Snacks November 13, 2008 4:51 PM | permalink

At a New York bank, instead of just quietly waiting to be fired, one of America's best and brightest is conducting a vending machine challenge. That's right. Everything must go. Into the gullet. One of each. Check it out. Oh, and here's a later-day status update. Things are getting a little rocky.

Obama Victory Celebrated in Vermont with Guns and Ammo! November 6, 2008 9:00 AM | permalink

Vermont voter James Dewalt (left) celebrated Barack Obama's presidential victory early Wednesday morning by allegedly unleashing a hailstorm of bullets into his neighbors' homes. The Burlington (VT) not-so-sharpshooter sprayed about 17 rounds into various neighboring homes and structures; bullets went through walls, windows and into apartments, according to cops.

Dewalt cooperated with police by turning over the gun when they arrived Wednesday morning. May we suggest Dewalt's sentence? Watching the next election returns on PBS or C-SPAN, snacking on carrots and petting the cat.

Missed Connections: Calling for a Cougar October 31, 2008 2:47 PM | permalink

Now, this here particular "Missed Connections" Craigslist poster was fixing to purchase some items out of the personal products section of the drug store when he realized he was being stalked by a judgmental older lady. "I was not aware of your presence until the audible gasp when I reached for a box of ribbed magnums." That evening's date went badly and now he's publicly invited the gasping grandma to help knock off the rest of the box with him. Oh, and he has the clap now, too. Have fun!

Attention Ladies of the Internet! October 28, 2008 3:43 PM | permalink

Just when you're feeling like a rainy day lonely loser, along comes a chubby Canadian gamer named Perseus to smash your insecurities and put you right back on top of the world again, where you belong.

Perseus is looking for a woman, preferably Nihonese, who has a "large collection of animé and manga," while at the same time possessing a "traditional ladies' education." Perseus's charm begins to fade when he rules out "Paris Hilton bulimics," saying he likes his women "with some meat on them." Good luck Perseus; may the stars be with you.  

For Sale: Pet Cockroach. Free. October 21, 2008 2:44 PM | permalink

In a new Bi-Semi-Occasional Feature, we explore the world of Craigslist, a site where you can buy happiness.

This week: Some crank in Houston is giving away his pet cockroach, Scoochie, along with a six-pack of Coors Light, his favorite beer. The owner pleads poverty and swears that this cockroach will provide years of faithful service. Doing what exactly? Crawling up your leg, that's what!

Meet Cheesus, the Cheetos Jesus July 31, 2008 9:00 AM | permalink

Jesus returned to walk the earth Monday as a Cheeto, a Missouri woman claims. She bought the bag of Frito-Lay brand Cheetos airy cheese snacks, felt something funny inside and pulled it out of the bag. It looked to her like a little, puffy orange baby Jesus. And so she named him "Cheesus."

Surprised? You shouldn't be. This isn't the first time a member of the Holy Trinity has returned to the earth in a cheesen form. A Virgin Mary "appeared" in 2004 in the guise of a grilled cheese sandwich, which sold for $28,000 on Ebay.

Cool. Coolest. Cooler June 27, 2008 8:38 AM | permalink

Last week, Dumb brought you the gas-powered blender and the daiquiri whacker. This week, we're introducing the Cruzin Cooler, which is an engine-powered refrigerated cooler that you can ride.

Yes.

Get yours here. Imagine your next DUI, when you can offer the arresting cop a cold beer. Maybe he'll let you go. Especially if it's an imported microbrew.

Which is probably what 57-year-old Leslie "Bomber" Marr should have done when his cooler was pulled over by  a police cruiser in New York earlier this month. See, Bomber was coming from the American Legion Post 83, swerving and riding on the sidewalk, cops say. He was charged with  DWI and driving an uninsured cooler.

Better luck next time, Bomber.
 

Bonus: Click here to see Ellen Degeneres riding one of these things! She's sober. Probably.

Hamptons Barbarian Returns to Pampered Life June 17, 2008 4:21 PM | permalink

The man who survived a week roughing it in the backyard of his family's Hamptons estate has lived to blog about his experience. Sickened by eating rotten mussels and "killies," which are some sort of bait, the Barbarian was driven to steal tomatoes and onions from a nearby farm over the weekend. Dumb As A Blog, being dumb, doesn't know if this violates any rules of backyard living, but wouldn't expect anything more from a barbarian in the first place. The family poodle ate a large portion of the haul anyway,

"I was torn between murdering my dog, murdering then eating my dog, or murdering my dog and then braising it along with the tomatoes, onions and garlic to make a fine stew. Tough options."

Tough like you, hungry barbarian. Congratulations from us here at Dumb: we admire your fortitude and,  of course, your dumb.

Summer of Gas! June 12, 2008 2:28 PM | permalink

I'm having a little bit of a problem over here. I sure do love a picnic, but I love an internal combustion engine, too. I also love drinking, but we'll get to that later. The problem I have with picnics is that generally they require me to turn off the weed wacker, the four-wheeler and the snow-blower I like to keep puttering away in the garage year-round. And grilling is just a slow, boring way to burn fuel. I need the CO2 in my nostrils, the throttle under my immediate control, the clamor of pistons. I need combustion.

So thank you, On the Edge Marketing, for your gas-powered blender. It's just what the doctor ordered. It comes complete with handlebar-grip infinity-variable blender speeds. It makes me about 45 margaritas before I have to drive it to back to the station for more fuel, which seems very efficient. Other models are available, too, such as the daiquiri whacker!

Thanks Gizmodo, too.

The Hungry Barbarian's Supper June 11, 2008 4:08 PM | permalink

We're now rabidly following the Hungry Barbarian, the man who has gone native in the backyard of his family's Hamptons estate. Yesterday he found a dead turtle and befriended a rock. Oh, and he made some dinner:

"The crabs...were quite good.  I don’t like shellfish, but they were sweet and tasty, even the foul looking spider crab.  A welcome change from rubber or my previous meal of nothing at all." 

We're looking forward to the developing drama between our hero, the rock and the dead turtle, but we're worried about his sleeping and overall sanity. Last night he had cricket problems, was sprayed in the face by sprinklers and tossed in the wind. Only five and a half more days to go! 

The Hungry Hamptons Barbarian. Day One. June 10, 2008 2:23 PM | permalink

As we reported yesterday, The Hungry Barbarian has decided to lock himself in the backyard of his palatial Hamptons mansion and try to survive using only his hands and some suntan lotion. Today the journey begins, as the Hungry Barbarian locks away his keys and wallet and lays out a series of goals, including:

• Stay well rested
• Keep mind sharp and occupied
• Kill a squirrel with a harpoon, then clean and cook
• Collect earthworms and dry them.

If he can read this (and according to his self-imposed rules, he's not allowed to) we want the Hungry Barbarian to know we are heartily pulling for him from inside our frosty offices in Midtown Manhattan. Good luck, Mr. Barbarian!

Survivor: Hamptons Challenge June 9, 2008 4:40 PM | permalink

Starting Tuesday, a man calling himself the "Hungry Barbarian" will attempt to survive living in the backyard of his tony Hamptons estate for seven days.  He can eat only what he finds or catches, although has resolved not to eat "the red berries or the delicious looking mushroom." He's even set up a betting pool that he can make it. Ground rules are generous to say the least:

"He is not allowed to shower inside, he can bathe in the bay, but so as not to risk his health he will be allowed to rinse the salt off with the hose as often as he needs to."

and, of course,

"He will be given a cell phone for emergencies only

"He will blog every night about the day

"He will put the lotion on its skin, or it gets the hose again"

Hungry, we're pulling for you and will check in every day to make sure you haven't had any life-threatening emergencies in your own backyard. Good luck, sir!

Dead Poet Avenges Drunken House Trashing June 5, 2008 8:36 AM | permalink

When 28 people, mostly teens, broke into famed poet Robert Frost's house in December, they weren't there to read "Mending Wall," "The Road Not Taken" or, for that matter, any poem at all. They were there to get wasted and party  at the the dead writer's former home. Neighbors called police when they heard uncharacteristically loud music booming from the historic landmark late into the evening. Authorities arrived to find the place a party disaster. 

Punishment for the wasted teens? Reading Frost's legacy in a Middlebury College classroom: A judge sentenced the bad bunch to a Poetry 101 course at tony Middlebury College. Apparently they hadn't read his lesser known work entitled "When I am Dead, Do Not Trash My House."