Political Sex Scandals: What's Going On Now?
July 2, 2009 10:22 AM | permalink
Posted by Ritch
There's no two ways around it. The first decade of the 21st century has provided steady, constant innovation in the field of sex scandals in government.
Given the fact that in three short years we have seen the Governor of New York resign after spending thousands of dollars on high-priced call girls, a Senator from Idaho end an 28-year career in the House and Senate after pleading guilty to homosexual lewd conduct in an airport restroom, a Democratic candidate for President have an affair with a staffer while his wife had cancer, and the unmarried, teenage daughter of the abstinence-preaching Republican candidate for Vice President not only announce she was pregnant during the campaign, but then have to watch the estranged father discuss the details of their sexual relationship with Tyra Banks, well- it's just darn impressive is all.
When you add in the Governor of South Carolina, whose recent martial infidelities not only "crossed the line," but crossed the equator, it just makes the whole Clinton Lewinsky thing seem not only quaint, but very last century.
So, if all of that frankly outlandish sexual behavior was going on then, it kind of makes you wonder- what's going on now?
I mean right now.
If five years ago, I would have said "I bet Senator Larry Craig is going to get arrested for trying to solicit sex in an airport bathroom," I would not be taken seriously. But here we are. So, despite the fact that none of the following allegations have any basis in fact, I'd like the envelopes please.
Senator Charles Schumer (left): A furry. His downfall will come when he is discovered under the bleachers of a Brooklyn Cyclones game, dressed as a Care Bear and dry humping Sandy The Seagull.
Utah Governor Jon Huntsman: Asian fetish. Will be found with several crates of shokushu goukan, otherwise known as Japanese tenticle porn in his office.
House Minority Leader John Boehner: Ladies, it was never really pronounced BEY-ner. And he'll show you all why, right on national television. You know what I'm sayin' here. Awww, yeah.
Arkansas Senator Blanche Lincoln: A man. You heard it here first. That chick's packing.
Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman: No adultery here, just nude photos, which will appear on Wonkette, along with hilarious viral "reaction videos" of people viewing the pics for the first time:
The scandal? He's uncircumcised.
Given the fact that in three short years we have seen the Governor of New York resign after spending thousands of dollars on high-priced call girls, a Senator from Idaho end an 28-year career in the House and Senate after pleading guilty to homosexual lewd conduct in an airport restroom, a Democratic candidate for President have an affair with a staffer while his wife had cancer, and the unmarried, teenage daughter of the abstinence-preaching Republican candidate for Vice President not only announce she was pregnant during the campaign, but then have to watch the estranged father discuss the details of their sexual relationship with Tyra Banks, well- it's just darn impressive is all.
When you add in the Governor of South Carolina, whose recent martial infidelities not only "crossed the line," but crossed the equator, it just makes the whole Clinton Lewinsky thing seem not only quaint, but very last century.
So, if all of that frankly outlandish sexual behavior was going on then, it kind of makes you wonder- what's going on now?
I mean right now.
If five years ago, I would have said "I bet Senator Larry Craig is going to get arrested for trying to solicit sex in an airport bathroom," I would not be taken seriously. But here we are. So, despite the fact that none of the following allegations have any basis in fact, I'd like the envelopes please.
Utah Governor Jon Huntsman: Asian fetish. Will be found with several crates of shokushu goukan, otherwise known as Japanese tenticle porn in his office.
House Minority Leader John Boehner: Ladies, it was never really pronounced BEY-ner. And he'll show you all why, right on national television. You know what I'm sayin' here. Awww, yeah.
Arkansas Senator Blanche Lincoln: A man. You heard it here first. That chick's packing.
Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman: No adultery here, just nude photos, which will appear on Wonkette, along with hilarious viral "reaction videos" of people viewing the pics for the first time:
The scandal? He's uncircumcised.
Actually, Utah's governor is Jon Huntsman (www.utah.gov/governor). Where did you get Charlie from?
Posted by: Kathrine Thomas | 07/03/09 11:30AM
I realize that comedy is often offensive, but shouldn't it at least be FUNNY?
I mean geez, the big finale is a joke on a natural penis? Really?
Posted by: iola | 07/06/09 7:53AM
Whoops- good catch Katherine.
It's fixed now.
We would like to apologize to Governor Huntsman, the people of Utah, and shokushu goukan enthusiasts around the globe for this cruel misrepresentation.
To be clear, the Utah Governor with the Asian fetish that we predicted will be caught with multiple crates of Japanese tentacle porn is in fact named "Jon" Huntsman, not "Charlie."
We regret the error.
Posted by: Ritch | 07/06/09 11:15AM