Five Dumb Reasons America IS Still Better Than Brazil
If you're any kind of sports fan, and by "any kind" I mean "not from the United States," you know that the American soccer squad was handed a tough 3-2 loss Sunday in the Confederations Cup final, blowing a 2-0 first half lead to Brazil, and with it, a chance to win its first major international tournament in history.
While there are plenty of places to read about how the Americans have proved they can finally compete on the world soccer stage, we here at Dumb as Blog decided to merely beat our chests and loudly proclaim that we're still better than Brazil at lots of stuff. For example:
#5) Square Dancing
Brazil may be great at that whole sensual, booty-shaking, Samba thing, but when it comes to awkward, stilted "dancing" that requires continuous verbal instruction throughout, USA is the team to beat!
#4) Public Nudity
When American women take their tops off in public, they generally have enough good common sense to be totally hammered and yell "Woooo!" In America, this is known as "going wild." In Brazil, this is known as "going to the beach." Plus, when our women get naked in public, we have the decency to not cover it all up with feathers and body paint.
#3) Movies With "Brazil" in the Title.
Let's look at the scoreboard:
American movies with Brazil in the title: 2
Brazilian movies with Brazil in the title: 0
(note: we are aware that bragging about a 2-0 lead might not be a great idea at this juncture. We're doing it anyway)
#2) Having a National Identity That Isn't All Tied Up With Pubic Hair
While it may be possible in this day and age to go into a waxing place and order up a "Stars and Bars," I'm fairly sure you would need to tell the person administering it what exactly you are talking about. If you ask for a "Brazilian" everybody knows the score.
#1) Ready Availability of B-Roll Footage of Fat People Eating and Waddling
As we all know, a staple of local news is the classic "how is X affecting the nation's weight" story, accompanied by a video package of anonymous fat people stuffing their faces, shuffling along city streets or merely stretching their sweatpants to the breaking point as they monopolize an entire public park bench with but a single pair of expansive, quivering butt-cheeks. In America, all a news crew needs to do is take a single cameraman and stroll around outside their office for seven minutes or so to see the embarrassment of riches that American cities have to offer in the competitive world market of "fat people's butts in B-Roll shots." See if you can find footage like this in Brazil!
