Grapes The Cat: 'Welcome Home, Michael Vick. Now Get Back To Work'
Grapes the Cat is an outspoken supporter of quarterback Michael Vick, who was just released from prison for his involvement in a dogfighting ring. Grapes, who has spoken out in support of Michael Vick in the past (link contains some NSFW language), has been invited back to discuss the disgraced player, provided he keeps it clean. His views do not reflect the views of his owner Ritch Duncan, truTV, Turner Broadcasting, or really, anyone else on the planet. Grapes is a cat, and as such, really, really hates dogs.
Grapes the Cat here, taking a break from my exhausting schedule of covert furniture destruction to once again address the American hero Michael Vick, who returned from federal prison this week.
I didn't read the whole story (that bird who landed on the fire escape wasn't going to stare at itself) but I understand it completely. I think I speak for all cats when I say that any day a man known for the shooting, hanging, drowning and electrocuting of dogs walks free, that is a good day for America.
Seriously, dogs suck.
So despite the fact that Michael Vick was given an agonizingly long 24 year prison sentence (editor: cat years), instead of the medal of honor he so richly deserved, now is not the time for regrets. As our new President said about human beings getting tortured, now is not the time to point fingers. It's time to for Michael Vick to focus on the future, and get back to that important work that God placed him on this earth to do: torturing and killing more dogs.
But with that said, I urge caution.
Michael, I get it. You're free, and to celebrate you might want to kill another dog or two right away. While this is noble, you need to remember that your sentence is not technically over. As much as it pains me to say this, you might not want to kill any more dogs right away. The media and police are watching, and as awesome as it is to see a golden retriever devouring a small explosive buried in a bucket of Alpo, and placing bets on how far he can run before he blows, if you get caught, you run the risk of never killing another dog again.
And that is frankly unacceptable.
So you're going to have to play it cool. You're allowed to leave your house to go to your construction job. This is not a bad thing. If you keep your nose clean, you can not only deceive the government into thinking you have changed your ways, but also put this experience to good use, discovering new, creative ways to kill dogs.
Learn how to operate a jackhammer, which I would love to see tearing through the carcass of a St. Bernard. Drive one of those giant magnet cranes. If you do that, you could trap a junkyard dog by his metal collar, raise him high into the air, and then turn it off, to watching the stupid wretch plunge to his well deserved death.
Sorry if I got carried away there, I just really hate dogs.
This will require some hard work and planning, but like I always say, if you want a can of food at 8:30, you have to start walking on your owner's face by 6:00.
In closing, I would like to again acknowledge that you were unjustly punished for committing what the system calls a crime, but was in reality a virtue. There once was another man who was treated the same way, and his name was Jesus of Nazareth. (That reminds me, did you ever try crucifying a dog? That would be awesome.)
Welcome home,
Grapes the Cat
