2009 Baseball Predictions: Dumb And Dumber
Opening Day of Major League Baseball is this Sunday, and with it comes the annual avalanche of stupidity as people make the same dumb predictions, over and over again. To mix it up, we've pointed out a few that you'll definitely see elsewhere, followed by our even dumber ones.
Dumb prediction: The New York Yankees will win the World Series.
Every year, someone makes this prediction. Internet gambling sites are already positioning the Bronx Bombers as the safest World Series bet. But if somebody says this every year, what's the point? Why not take a chance?
Dumb as a Blog Prediction: A New York Yankee will win the CBS free colonoscopy contest.
Not sure if you heard, but as part of a plan to publicize the benefit of rectal cancer screening, CBS is giving away an actual colonoscopy along with a vacation for two to New York City. You know it's a great sweepstakes when the first words on the official web page are "This is an actual sweepstakes." We know it's early, and the odds are long, but we're gonna call it: Joba Chamberlain will win this contest. The pitcher's colon, we suspect, is crawling with insects.
Dumb Prediction: The Chicago Cubs will fail to win the World Series for the 101st year in a row.
This is an even dumber prediction than the Yankees one. If all things were even, (which they aren't) each team would only have a one-in-thirty chance of winning the Fall Classic. Claiming that someone won't win the World Series on the first day of the season is not only dumb, it's easy. We're willing to go a little further out on a limb:
Dumb as a Blog Prediction: The Chicago Cubs will fail to even play in a single home game this season.
You heard me. From rain-outs, to car trouble to players being attacked by packs of feral dogs, something will happen that will force the Cubbies to miss every single home game. Their fans won't mind though, because Wrigley Field is really a very pretty place to spend an afternoon in the summertime. Plus, the lack of stress-inducing Cubs baseball will be a welcome relief. I don't have the space or time to predict exactly what will befall the team before each and every home game, but for the first one I'll make the following prediction: On April 13, every member of the Cubs will miss the scheduled home opener against Colorado after coming down with mono. Mark my words.If you care to leave the date of a Cubs home game in the comments, I will respond with a prediction of what exactly will befall the team on that date.
Dumb Prediction: Down the stretch, the New York Mets will collapse, and miss the playoffs.
Yes, the Mets choked a couple years ago. And then collapsed again last season. And then had the naming rights for their new field purchased by Citibank, who needed over $50 billion of taxpayer money to avoid a collapse of their own. We get why people keep making this prediction. But we're gonna do it one better.
Dumb as a Blog prediction: The entire borough of Queens will sink into the ocean, after falling victim to the wrath of Poseidon, God of the Sea.
This year, the Mets will not settle for a metaphorical or statistical collapse, but will experience a genuine, fire-and-brimstone, act-of-god disaster. It will doom not only the Mets and their ironically named new park, but the entire borough the ballpark resides in. Poseidon will emerge from the hoary depths of the East River in the form of a mighty Kraken, and after thrusting his mighty trident into the 59th street Bridge, (decimating it instantly) he will unleash a plague of earthquakes upon the entire borough. Then the God of the Sea will call down a rain of fire to decimate Queens from above as the quakes destroy it from below. As the devastation is complete, the bedrock under the land that once housed Shea Stadium will crumble and sink back into the seas from whence it came, leaving nothing but calm, swirling waters along what will soon come be known as Brooklyn's North Shore.
And remember, you heard it here first.
