Man Who Has Sex With Table Gets 6 Months June 23, 2008 8:05 AM | permalink

An Ohio man who went out onto his deck and had sex with his metal picnic table multiple times between January and March of this year, has been sentenced to six months in jail. 

Art Price Jr, pictured, admitted to this.  A tipster dropped off three DVD's showing this.  And according to cops, he also admitted to having intercourse with the table inside the home. 

In fact, if the married father of three had not decided to take his amour outside of the house, which happens to be in plain view of an elementary school, chances are that he could've continued to see his flat-chested friend indefinitely. 

Instead, thanks to the mysterious Deep Throat of the lawn furniture world, and the tireless work of the police, Art is off to prison. 

Wish I could be a fly on the wall when an inmate asks him, "What are you in for?"

Final dumb thoughts:

This guy gives new meaning to the word tabletop.

Having sex with a metal picnic table in the middle of an Ohio winter sounds more dangerous than sticking your tongue to a flag pole.

If you are seeing a table, and you go out to dinner, does it get jealous you are with other tables?

Comments

[Jane]

um, I don't get it...
what exactly was he doing?

[Susie]

Well, if you click on the news link it describes his act in all its full nightmare fuel glory. However, all you need to remember is that patio tables usually have a place to put the sun umbrella.

Is it becoming clearer now?

And wasn't it better when you didn't know?

[susan]

he mean

[Anna]

Susie - LMAO!!!!!

[Anna]

Susie - you couldn't of made this story any funnier.

Jane - if you have to ask, you shouldn't be reading it.

[Susie]

Aw, thanks Anna! You = awesome.

[escapedfish]

wait...what's exactly his charge?

[Glenn]

Ah... there would be a HOLE in the centre of the table. It took me a full minute of contemplation to figure it out. A minute well spent I think we can all agree.

[Florence]

The embarrasement alone is punishment enough

[Dave]

Pointers for those who are curious:
If the table is plastic, standard personal lubricant is fine.
If the table is wooden, use Pledge.
If the table is metal, you can select from Rust-Oleum's fine line of metal-sex lube (and your junk won't ever rust, either).

[PaWolf]

OMG! Six months in prison? Terrible news! They've put him in a place where there is a high possibility of there being *yet more* victims!

[Ken]

Hey, maybe all he wanted was some little end tables..lmao

[††♥§uzanne♥††]

Geez! and I thought *I* was bad b/c of my self-imposed celebacy!! At least I don't hump tables...!

This guy needs some serious help! I mean, can you imagine the embarrassment he caused his family??

::shaking head::

I will NEVER complain about my father embarrassing me again!!

††♥§uzanne♥††

>^..^< ::meow::

[Susannah]

The person who filmed this guy should be the one jailed!! For invasion of privacy, for producing pornographic dvd's of the guy masturbating, all without his permission.

Your american laws are strange.

[anonoymous]

If you are seeing a table, and you go out to dinner, does it get jealous you are with other tables?

that is not funny. next

[Ken]

At least he's not a priest.

[cheryl]

OMG is he that lonely?? Or does he prefer inanimate objects for affection,release or love. scarey!!!

[david]

see, this is a perfect example of people being affected by the economy. this poor schmuck couldn't afford a escort or a prostitute and had to to make due with what he had. i seriously doubt that martha stewart would find this a good thing.

[Maria Powers]

Wow, no shrinkage from the cold weather outside! I thought they all shrank...oh that,s right, cold water not cold plastic leads to shrinkage! Dumb dude...he didit to himself,not literally of course!

[SHANA]

I HAVE HEARD OF HORNEY BUT THIS MAN TAKES THE CAKE! I MEAN, A TABLE? WHAT THE HELL WAS HE FANTASIZING ABOUT WITH A TABLE? ANYWAY, I AGREE THAT HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN CONFRONTED WTIH THE FACT THAT HE COULD BE SEEN INSTEAD OF BEING FILMED AND JUST TURNED IN TO THE POLICE, AND AFTER HE WAS INFORMED THAT HE COULD BE SEEN IF HE CONTINUED TO SCREW THE TABLE THEN YEAH TURN HIM IN. STILL CANT HELP BUT LAUGH MY A** OFF!

[Gina Douglas]

Gee, where was his wife all this time? Was she cheating with the broom leaving him no choice but to seek comfort with the tables? Poor, dysfunctional family. I think I may be related... oh no............ Merry Christmas Each and Every One!

[jujubean30]

Talk about a hole in one! LMAO

[c0v3rd@le]

Maria,

Betcha if he could "do it to himself" he would've left the tables alone !
lmao

[someguy]

LMAO ... this is too funny !

[Zero Fuze]

Wax on,, Wacks off LOLZ