Ashes To Ashes, Dust To Drugs? September 2, 2010 10:13 PM | permalink

I was pretty close to my late grandfather.

I still own a jackknife of his, and his bow tie. I'd never actually wear a bow tie, but I'm also never going to get rid of it. People are funny like that when it comes to mementos of deceased loved ones.

So it was this past Wednesday when the Wyoming Highway Patrol pulled over two young men and allegedly found some drug paraphernalia along with a small amount of marijuana. No, I know what you're thinking, and it wasn't his grandpa's pipe. After searching the car the cops discovered a suspicious plastic baggy filled with a substance the officers thought was an illegal drug.

They contacted the owner of the car, the girlfriend of one of the men, who assured the officers they had made a mistake, as the bag not only did not contain drugs, but did contain the remains of her deceased grandmother.

Oops.

Apparently, the woman was so close to her late grandmother, that she kept her cremated ashes in her car. According to a police spokesman, the officers returned the ashes.

 

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer: Terrible Debater, Or THE WORST Debater Of All Time? September 2, 2010 6:21 PM | permalink

OK- so how bad a debater is Arizona Governor Jan Brewer?

She is so bad, that if she was forced to debate a man who claimed Governor Jan Brewer was actually a pretty good debater, and she could win the debate by merely staying silent, and allowing him to make his points, she would actually still find a way to lose that debate. 

SHE IS A TERRIBLE DEBATER!

Oh, just watch the clip:

This clip, by the way, was an opening statement. As in, the one part of a debate you can rehearse, because nobody has asked you anything yet, and you can't possibly be taken out of context or misquoted.

For more on this story, click this link, which I am confident you will do, because Governor Jan Brewer doesn't want you to, and if you haven't ascertained this fact by now, any attempt on her part to convince you to do anything should immediately lead you to do the opposite.

Why?

Because she is, as I believe I have stated, a terrible debater.

Am I being clear enough here?

Eccentric robbery eyewitness revives the lost art of storytelling? September 2, 2010 12:16 PM | permalink

In this age of instant gratification, the story of a robbery of a convenience store is usually told via grainy security footage of the actual event. But in olden times, people used to gather around campfires, hold their children tight, and relate the gripping stories of convenience store robberies over and over by memory, creating an oral tradition that linked generations together, and strengthening the community through the power of universal myths. 

OK, that's not really true.

Still, it's really worth it to watch this kooky lady telling a local news crew in Kansas City what it was like to be present at a robbery. It might not be Antoine Dodson-level YouTube gold, but it's pretty darn entertaining:

h/t Kevin Maher

Happy 90210 day, idiots! September 2, 2010 11:50 AM | permalink

Hey, morons!

We know you're out there, we write about you every day.

So you know how today is September 2nd, 2010? Well it is. That makes the date 9/02/10, or 90210, just like the Beverly Hills zip code and vapid high school soap opera that bears its name!

Hooray!

Now lets all celebrate by attending High School even though we're obviously in our 30's!

 

 

'Thiefs' don't wanna grow up September 1, 2010 2:47 PM | permalink

These four New York City men were on a video game stealing crime spree along the East Coast before finally being busted at a Toys 'R' Us in Annapolis, according to the Takoma Park Police Department.

Rodney McReary, Gilberto Matos, Derrella Winfrey and Wilfredo Matos were apprehended after an off-duty cop allegedly saw them stuff video games down their pants and exit the toy store.

Cops approached the vehicle to find the men with over 200 video games in their car along with a road map and detailed lists of Toys 'R' Us locations.

Before cops arrested them we think the men had also hoped to set out on foot to find Ray Brower's body and complete their most unforgettable summer ever.

Pick a peck of good dumb stories September 1, 2010 2:46 PM | permalink

  Did you hear the one about:

The Bulgarian man who is having surgery and a sex change to look like Lady Gaga?

A lady doctor who died entering her ex-boyfriend's chimney?

Their resident dude columnist who wants a ladyflower for a day?

The Twilight toilet cover?

Jamie Lee Curtis telling us the downside to being a celebrity who endorses yogurt that makes you poop?

The 12 craziest, wackiest hairstyles the internet has to offer?

Frisky, for enlightening the world to all the above stupid stories, we salute you.

Photo: FYI That there is the real Lady Gaga, not a non-female facsimile.

In white water rafting race on inflatable sex dolls, winners are hard to find September 1, 2010 1:02 PM | permalink

Congratulations (I guess) go out to St. Petersburg native Vladislav Pavlenko, first-place finisher in this year's annual "Bubble Baba Challenge," in which hundreds of people leap into Russia's Vuoksa River on top of an inflatable sex doll and race down the rapids. Pavlenko's time of 2 minutes 47 seconds was enough to beat out all of his competitors, but it's still tough for me to refer to him as a "winner."

Here's a picture of the race from 2007;  I can't imagine the scene has changed much since then:

According to a report on My Fox Boston, (who devotes a lot of attention to sporting events like this now that the Red Sox are tanking,) "Baba" technically means "peasant woman" in Russian, but also is "a crude term with sexual connotations."

Yow.

I think I need to teach my baby daughter a new word for her bottle.

Wife breaks balls with crowbar say cops September 1, 2010 11:32 AM | permalink

An enraged woman clobbered her husband's crotch with a crow bar yesterday, according to police in Stroudsburg, PA

Dale Morris, 61, allegedly went balls out on her husband's junk after reading a note he left behind that irked her.

We can't imagine what you write on a note to inspire that kind of fury but let's try a few:

"Hey hon, I drained our savings account to fund a new sex toy I created---going to the U.S. Patent Office--back in a few"

"Dale-- I am leaving you for your sister's husband. Sorry it had to be this way but Gary is more of a woman than you'll ever be. Oh, I will be back later to pick up my Snuggie and everything else I couldn't fit into the Festiva."

"Went to the gym to buy you a membership, porky."

Morris did not simmer down while waiting for him to return home and went to town on his package like a pinata full of hundred dollar bills.

She also hit him in the head but that's not as funny.

Morris has been charged with aggravated assault and wreckless endangerment.

Photo gallery: 13 Dumbest things to ever happen at a fast food drive-thru since 2008 September 1, 2010 11:07 AM | permalink

Is fast food is bad for you?  Debatable.

But is getting arrested for doing something seriously stupid at a fast food drive-up window bad for you?  Absolutely!

From women who allegedly freak out and wield a taser if mayo isn't in the bag (pictured), to workers who offer to spice up your meal with special illegal herbs, our newest photo gallery features only the very dumbest customers and workers to ever grace a sliding window meant to push greasy food through.

Check out: 13 Dumbest Things to Ever Happen at a Fast Food Drive-Thru Since 2008

Photo: Is this the world's most depressing strip mall? September 1, 2010 9:22 AM | permalink

There's no doubt, times are hard all over.  However I was driving through New Jersey yesterday and took this snap -- how bad does your life have to get to have 99 cent dreams?

And the fact that it's conveniently located next to a liquor store is telling.  Maybe if you drink enough, you fantasize about getting toilet paper for just under a buck and knockoff Tupperware is what you think about when you grasp a lottery ticket.

I'm not making fun of people not being able to afford stuff.  Honey I've been there with long-term unemployment and trips to check out Harry's House of Discount Day Care.  However, dreams are free.  Even when life sucks, why not aim high, for like, a 1987 Toyota Carolla or something?

Forget Teresa Giudice, if you want to see some real-er real housewives of NJ, there's no doubt this would be the place to scope.

Related: Our Seven Dumbest Things That Ever Happened in New Jersey photo gallery

UPDATE: Motivational speaker and ex-con Sandra O'Day not only provides evidence of another 99 cent dream store (pictured with sassy neon in NYC), she's got some good advice on how to plump up your pathetic cut-rate dreams along with it.