Doctor’s Orders Don’t you always get a hankering for sushi after being attacked by a shark? Me too. Luckily, a Florida restaurant now offers free sushi to shark attack victims. Finally! [Huff Post Weird News]

“Home” Sick Is prison secretly awesome? We’ve heard of this before, but more cases keep arising: A man released on parole was caught sneaking back into his prison. BACK. INTO. PRISON. [msnbc]

Kids These Days I’ve heard of kids throwing rocks, but stretching plastic wrap across the highway? Stick with burning bags of feces, fellas. [NJ.com]

Down You Go You really can’t appreciate the joy of Wipeout until you’ve personally been slapped around by The Gyrating Arm and the Trampoline Sweep. You know it looks like fun. [UGO]

One Way to Mourn Two of your fellow cops passed away and you’re on the way to their funeral. Do you A) Arrive on time, offer condolences, and mourn respectfully B) Hunker down at home in fear of what might be cop killers C) Drive 17mph over the speed limit while drinking and throwing stuff out your window, only to be caught and arrested for DUI and littering? If you've ever read this column before I think you know it's always "C" [9News]

Blessing in Disguise A recent study shows that porn might be incredible for everybody. It concludes that porn offers an isolated outlet for deviant's sexual desires—reducing the amount of sexual violence towards women and children. That sort of makes sense. [YNot]

Has Gaga gone Cuckoo? What on earth is she wearing now? WHAT IS THAT? She’s betrayed everything we thought we know about her by wearing…a seemingly normal dress. Weird, she actually looks human. [TMZ]

Bond of Love If a co-worker switches her shift to avoid your romantic advances, it’s time to give up,  NOT handcuff yourself to her in the parking lot. [timesfreepress.com]

That's My Leg, Not a Toilet Make sure your tray tables are closed, your seat is in its upright and locked position, and oh, one more thing- don't pee on any kids. [Gawker]

Are They Wrestling? It's hard to know how old a kid should be before they can have a job of their own. Still, if that job is "camera operator for your mom's group sex movie" I'll go ahead and say "older than six." [Bossip]

Anything for Love Panhandling for a rich wife has potential, but if it were me, after a decade of failure, I’d consider some alternatives. Maybe speed dating? Internet porn? NOT being a lunatic?  [AOL]

No “Man” Left Behind When a a foot was found in a lake, it sparked a 10 hour search for the body it was attached to. But the police overlooked one fact: it belonged to a mannequin. [msnbc.com]

Not a Keeper A woman catches somebody eyeing her man, confronts the peeper, and allegedly beat her up. SUPER DUMB: This happened at a family party.  ULTRA DUMB: The peeper was a 12-year-old. [azcentral.com]

Nap to Nabbed When you’re attempting a burglary, there’s an obvious check list: Don’t leave traces, stay quiet, and definitely don’t fall asleeZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. [wwmt.com]

Must Read OMG!!!! the Kardashians’ book is coming out soon! It’s, like, about them with true stories but all fiction-y at some parts and with crazy twists and turns and stuff, like, all kinds of stuff! It’s going to be amaz—alright, I can’t keep it up. I’m not excited at all. [CNN]

ZOMBIES ARE REAL! A woman was reported dead through a high school reunion tribute. Seeing as she’s alive, married, and with four children, there was either a heinous mistake or she’s an undead overlord who's spawning her seed, intent on slowly infiltrating humanity and inciting its demise. I'm kinda surprised we didn't lead with this. [tricityherald.com]

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Mother of the Year When you’re fighting with another kid in your neighborhood and mom intervenes, she’s going to be a wet blanket—unless she tells you to hurl a brick at the kid’s face. [The Wichita Eagle]

How Rude Have you ever had an uninvited guest who eats more than their share during breakfast? I bet it’s never been a camel. [Huff Post Weird News]

How Incredibly Rude! Speaking of guests at meals, how about the guy that killed his friend halfway through dinner, lopped off a chunk of back flesh, cooked it, and ate it in front of his family? [BroBible]

Fryday Apparently Rebecca Black was grilled so heavily at school for her “Friday” music video that her mother pulled her out of school. Her peers came up with unpredictable zingers such as, “’Oh hey, Rebecca, guess what day it is?’” [TMZ]

Muppet Matrimony An online campaign has been pressuring “Sesame Street” producers to have Bert and Ernie get married to each other. Sesame Workshop took the opportunity to state that Muppets don’t have a sexual orientation. Regardless, consider the tax benefits, boys. [NY Daily News]

The Church, the Taser, and the Knife Getting laid off can be tough to handle, but please don’t tase the pastor—because a deacon is going to start stabbing your mother in the arm. [msnbc Weird News]

Drive and Dash If you're planning to take a taxi far enough to rack up a $250 fare with no intention of paying, don’t get dropped off at your apartment. [nola.com]

Stock Market Hookers? What do hookers and the stock market have in common? Well, we weren’t sure either—until now. Thanks, New York Post! [HappyPlace]

Ding Dong…OHMYGODTHEPAIN Ding dong ditch is beloved by children everywhere, except the kid who allegedly got shot in the stomach by a crazy old dude who apparently wasn’t as big of a fan. [610wiod.com]

Me Spell Good Unless “KEEP CLAER” means something else in Britain, when your task is marking roads with much needed traffic devices, it’s important to know the spelling of C-L-E-A-R. [Huff Post Weird News]

No, not there. NOT THERE! When slipping a firearm into your waistband, check the safety, please. You don’t want to shoot a hole in your genitals. BONUS DUMB: The gun was WHAT color? [BroBible]

Bieber Sundae If you’re willing to go to London, you can eat Justin Bieber’s scent in a new $32 sundae, the Bieber Bocker Glory. Pig out, girls. [Bites]

Vocab Rehab It’s understandable to be outraged if someone you're dating uses words you find offensive. But if that word is ‘butt’ it says more about you than your potty-mouthed partner. [Salon]

Dumb Denial When a group of Buddhists purchase 534 lobsters to ceremoniously release back into the ocean and you decide to lay traps at the site of the ceremony, haul in exactly 534 lobsters, immediately resell them, and then say, “It’s really not meant as a slight toward Buddhism at all…We’re just having fun,” well, you are a dirt bag in denial. [boston.com]

A Hero’s Welcome A bus driver rescuing three stranded police officers in the middle of a violent hailstorm deserves appreciation and admiration. Of course he was fired. [CBS New York]

Baby Blues When a thought-to-be-deceased newborn baby starts crying as the morgue’s undertaker is preparing the burial, well, I just need to step away for a moment. [WTSP.com]

The Heedless Steed If you’re caught running a red light in your horse and carriage while clearly intoxicated, claiming that your horse is colorblind might not be enough for the police. [Huff Post Weird News]

Dumb dive Telling the police that just arrested you that your handcuffs are too tight can be a good way to escape from the patrol car. Just don't jump in a river; you're wearing handcuffs, remember? [The Gadsden Times]

Snakes in a house A pet snake can be a surprisingly laborious commitment. How about sixty of them? Wait! It gets better: they’re venomous and are probably thirsting to sink their poisoned fangs into your tender flesh. [wyff4]

Under the influence, above the law If a cop is found passed out in the middle of a highway, you’d expect due justice. Especially if he’s intoxicated over four times the legal limit. Apparently ‘paid sick leave’ is another way to serve “justice”. [wcax]

Cooking in the nude Sun tanning nude on a dock is a great way to improve your look. Unless you fall asleep. OHMYLORDITBURNS [statesman.com]

Unsung genius Would you watch a TV show about a normal girl who marries into a family of warlocks, witches, and psychics? Why not, right? Check out that and many more tragically unsold TV pilots. […by Ken Levine]

Where to shop Why wouldn’t you buy a basket from a company whose HQ is a giant basket? That’s the quality of Longaberger Company’s unwavering dedication. Here are many more businesses that have buildings that look like what they’re selling. [mental_floss]

Ego freak show Saying you need to be the Michael Jordan of music is setting some high expectations for yourself. Believing that people who see you on the street view you as a modern Adolf Hitler is vilifying yourself. Claiming both is just confusing. [TMZ]

Law and chaos When the police tie up much of their resources to shut down a neighborhood—bringing in their helicopters and SWAT teams—you know the situation is chaotic. I'm sorry, the call was a hoax and nothing was happening. Whoops! [wftv.com]

Monkey business If you’re a couple posting a $500 dollar reward for the return of your missing child, you’re on the right track. When the man who finds your child but doesn’t return him because he finds your boy cute, you should be mortified. When your child is actually a stuffed toy monkey that you’ve raised like a son for a decade, well, I don’t know how you should feel. [New York Post]

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Thanks to the help of certain restaurants, babies who are unsatisfied with the array of goo and mush typically provided for them can experience fine dining and slowly transform into little foodies.

While bringing your baby to a restaurant is fine—except for the crying—ordering him or her a “tenderloin beef purée with zucchini, carrot and bay leaf, and a dessert of banana and dulce de leche purée” is unnecessary and certainly more expensive, so what’s the point?

There isn’t one. Are dumb parent foodies hoping that classier food means better smelling diaper dumps? Are they sympathetic because the babies otherwise eat slop? Well guess what, babies don’t care about fancy foods. In fact, foodies so young probably have a single criterion for their meals: If it stops the hunger pangs, it’s fantastic. Mush fulfills that grueling standard.

Stop Encouraging These Child Foodies [Gawker]

The concept of a matchmaker without their own match is dumb. It's like this: how would you feel if your personal trainer's stomach was sagging out of their greasy shirt as they shoveled potato chips down their throat while bellowing at you to push harder and that if there's no pain, there's no gain? That's sort of what Patti Stanger does to her matchmaking clientelle. 

The "Millionaire Matchmaker" Stanger is a matchless matchmaker. Possibly in recognition of her ironic situation, she's decided to set herself up. This is a good move, professionally and probably personally. 

If she was looking for your match, what if she said, "Just scratch him behind the ears while kissing, I know it sounds weird, but my dog LOVES it!" She'd seem like a gross nutbag, that's what. It'd be more comforting to hear "Just scratch him behind the ears while kissing, I know it sounds weird, but my husband LOVES it!" 

Patti Stanger To Set Herself Up On "The Millionaire Matchmaker [The Frisky]

Usually, GIFs are these tiny, funny little animated images that are good for a laugh. But this collection of GIFs are nightmare-inducing. So only look at them once. 

Look at them more than once, and you might go INSANE.

That isn't our warning, though. That's the warning of the mad geniuses who found and compiled these GIFs that feature twisted images of werefoxes, rampaging kittens and a cranky old man with a cupcake head. 

So… watch these bizzaro moving pictures once, or watch them over and over again like us. We're fine. 

15 GIFs You Should Watch Only Once [MTV Clutch Blog]

If you're reading this on Internet Explorer, you're dumb. If you're on Google Chrome, Mozilla Firefox, or better yet Opera, you're smart. Don't you dare call these claims outlandish! 

I have proof.

Sort of. A survey including around 100,000 participants used an IQ test, sensitive to what web browser the participant was using, to determine how your choice of web browing affects your intelligence. The results are staggering!

Sort of. Those using Internet Explorer scored lower than those using Chrome and Firefox, who scored lower than those using Opera. This makes sense to some degree, I mean who's dumb enough to still use Internet Explorer when far better options await, free of charge and ready for download, on theinterwebs? Apparently the answer is Internet Explorer users.

The real question is, do these statistics mean anything substantial?

Are Internet Explorer users dumb? [CNN]

There's nothing cheaper than a millionaire. And you know what we’d call a cheap millionaire? Dumb. Reported in a database from SignOnSanDiego that compiles all NFL player arrests since the year 2000, Seattle Seahawks’ player Raheem Brock walked out on a $27 bill last month. He made a cool 3.7 million during the 2010-2011 season.

Concluding that he spent all his money is tough to accept, I mean the dude only built up a $27 dollar bill, so he clearly doesn’t like to party hard. Was the bill so beneath him that he felt it was optional?  Maybe some mischievous teenagers would be into skipping out on a small dinner bill, the thrill of breaking the rules and hopefully getting away with it—but a millionaire athlete?

This guy really grinds my gears. Not only should everybody be expected to pay unless explicitly given free services, but people that bring in so much money should have the easiest time paying! I make little money, so I’m always deciding between a low tip and a really low tip (unless the waitress touched my arm or laughed at my joke.) Raheem Brock can tip $100, even $1,000, and hardly feel a dent in his wallet.

Sure some pros probably are generous, but clearly not all of them. A player can be spectacular on the field, but can also be a scumbag who deems himself greater than societal standards. Raheem Brock serves as an example, showing that pro athletes can be as low as the scummiest deadbeat, despite their extreme wealth, fandom, and idolization.

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