truTV: Not Reality. Actuality.

Doctor’s Orders Don’t you always get a hankering for sushi after being attacked by a shark? Me too. Luckily, a Florida restaurant now offers free sushi to shark attack victims. Finally! [Huff Post Weird News]

“Home” Sick Is prison secretly awesome? We’ve heard of this before, but more cases keep arising: A man released on parole was caught sneaking back into his prison. BACK. INTO. PRISON. [msnbc]

Kids These Days I’ve heard of kids throwing rocks, but stretching plastic wrap across the highway? Stick with burning bags of feces, fellas. [NJ.com]

Continue reading “Dumb news: sushi, the cure for shark attacks.” »

That's My Leg, Not a Toilet Make sure your tray tables are closed, your seat is in its upright and locked position, and oh, one more thing- don't pee on any kids. [Gawker]

Are They Wrestling? It's hard to know how old a kid should be before they can have a job of their own. Still, if that job is "camera operator for your mom's group sex movie" I'll go ahead and say "older than six." [Bossip]

Anything for Love Panhandling for a rich wife has potential, but if it were me, after a decade of failure, I’d consider some alternatives. Maybe speed dating? Internet porn? NOT being a lunatic?  [AOL]

No “Man” Left Behind When a a foot was found in a lake, it sparked a 10 hour search for the body it was attached to. But the police overlooked one fact: it belonged to a mannequin. [msnbc.com]

Continue reading “Dumb News: urinating on an 11-year-old is no way to fly” »

Mother of the Year When you’re fighting with another kid in your neighborhood and mom intervenes, she’s going to be a wet blanket—unless she tells you to hurl a brick at the kid’s face. [The Wichita Eagle]

How Rude Have you ever had an uninvited guest who eats more than their share during breakfast? I bet it’s never been a camel. [Huff Post Weird News]

How Incredibly Rude! Speaking of guests at meals, how about the guy that killed his friend halfway through dinner, lopped off a chunk of back flesh, cooked it, and ate it in front of his family? [BroBible]

Fryday Apparently Rebecca Black was grilled so heavily at school for her “Friday” music video that her mother pulled her out of school. Her peers came up with unpredictable zingers such as, “’Oh hey, Rebecca, guess what day it is?’” [TMZ]

Continue reading “Dumb News: Don’t tell your kid to throw bricks at other kids.” »

Me Spell Good Unless “KEEP CLAER” means something else in Britain, when your task is marking roads with much needed traffic devices, it’s important to know the spelling of C-L-E-A-R. [Huff Post Weird News]

No, not there. NOT THERE! When slipping a firearm into your waistband, check the safety, please. You don’t want to shoot a hole in your genitals. BONUS DUMB: The gun was WHAT color? [BroBible]

Bieber Sundae If you’re willing to go to London, you can eat Justin Bieber’s scent in a new $32 sundae, the Bieber Bocker Glory. Pig out, girls. [Bites]

Continue reading “Dumb news: road marking suggests you ‘KEEP CLAER’” »

Dumb dive Telling the police that just arrested you that your handcuffs are too tight can be a good way to escape from the patrol car. Just don't jump in a river; you're wearing handcuffs, remember? [The Gadsden Times]

Snakes in a house A pet snake can be a surprisingly laborious commitment. How about sixty of them? Wait! It gets better: they’re venomous and are probably thirsting to sink their poisoned fangs into your tender flesh. [wyff4]

Under the influence, above the law If a cop is found passed out in the middle of a highway, you’d expect due justice. Especially if he’s intoxicated over four times the legal limit. Apparently ‘paid sick leave’ is another way to serve “justice”. [wcax]

Cooking in the nude Sun tanning nude on a dock is a great way to improve your look. Unless you fall asleep. OHMYLORDITBURNS [statesman.com]

Continue reading “Dumb news: please don’t jump into a river while handcuffed.” »

Thanks to the help of certain restaurants, babies who are unsatisfied with the array of goo and mush typically provided for them can experience fine dining and slowly transform into little foodies.

While bringing your baby to a restaurant is fine—except for the crying—ordering him or her a “tenderloin beef purée with zucchini, carrot and bay leaf, and a dessert of banana and dulce de leche purée” is unnecessary and certainly more expensive, so what’s the point?

There isn’t one. Are dumb parent foodies hoping that classier food means better smelling diaper dumps? Are they sympathetic because the babies otherwise eat slop? Well guess what, babies don’t care about fancy foods. In fact, foodies so young probably have a single criterion for their meals: If it stops the hunger pangs, it’s fantastic. Mush fulfills that grueling standard.

Stop Encouraging These Child Foodies [Gawker]

The concept of a matchmaker without their own match is dumb. It's like this: how would you feel if your personal trainer's stomach was sagging out of their greasy shirt as they shoveled potato chips down their throat while bellowing at you to push harder and that if there's no pain, there's no gain? That's sort of what Patti Stanger does to her matchmaking clientelle. 

The "Millionaire Matchmaker" Stanger is a matchless matchmaker. Possibly in recognition of her ironic situation, she's decided to set herself up. This is a good move, professionally and probably personally. 

If she was looking for your match, what if she said, "Just scratch him behind the ears while kissing, I know it sounds weird, but my dog LOVES it!" She'd seem like a gross nutbag, that's what. It'd be more comforting to hear "Just scratch him behind the ears while kissing, I know it sounds weird, but my husband LOVES it!" 

Patti Stanger To Set Herself Up On "The Millionaire Matchmaker [The Frisky]

Usually, GIFs are these tiny, funny little animated images that are good for a laugh. But this collection of GIFs are nightmare-inducing. So only look at them once. 

Look at them more than once, and you might go INSANE.

That isn't our warning, though. That's the warning of the mad geniuses who found and compiled these GIFs that feature twisted images of werefoxes, rampaging kittens and a cranky old man with a cupcake head. 

So… watch these bizzaro moving pictures once, or watch them over and over again like us. We're fine. 

15 GIFs You Should Watch Only Once [MTV Clutch Blog]

If you're reading this on Internet Explorer, you're dumb. If you're on Google Chrome, Mozilla Firefox, or better yet Opera, you're smart. Don't you dare call these claims outlandish! 

I have proof.

Sort of. A survey including around 100,000 participants used an IQ test, sensitive to what web browser the participant was using, to determine how your choice of web browing affects your intelligence. The results are staggering!

Sort of. Those using Internet Explorer scored lower than those using Chrome and Firefox, who scored lower than those using Opera. This makes sense to some degree, I mean who's dumb enough to still use Internet Explorer when far better options await, free of charge and ready for download, on theinterwebs? Apparently the answer is Internet Explorer users.

The real question is, do these statistics mean anything substantial?

Are Internet Explorer users dumb? [CNN]

There's nothing cheaper than a millionaire. And you know what we’d call a cheap millionaire? Dumb. Reported in a database from SignOnSanDiego that compiles all NFL player arrests since the year 2000, Seattle Seahawks’ player Raheem Brock walked out on a $27 bill last month. He made a cool 3.7 million during the 2010-2011 season.

Concluding that he spent all his money is tough to accept, I mean the dude only built up a $27 dollar bill, so he clearly doesn’t like to party hard. Was the bill so beneath him that he felt it was optional?  Maybe some mischievous teenagers would be into skipping out on a small dinner bill, the thrill of breaking the rules and hopefully getting away with it—but a millionaire athlete?

Continue reading “Pro athletes can also be pro deadbeats” »