What’s the dumbest thing a stand-up comedian can do before a show?

One of the dumbest things you can do before a show is dip both hands into a bowl of baked beans. You’re gonna get it all over the host, the microphone, and probably your face when you come to the part of your act where you thoughtfully stroke your chin.  It will be a big distraction the whole show. Then you’ve got your head shots to worry about when everyone wants an autograph. It’s a classic, rookie move. 

What’s the worst joke you ever told on stage?

Worst as in the joke that got the least amount of standing ovations afterwards? Maybe you’re confusing me with some small time chump?  When I get through with the audience their only complaint is that they can’t physically stay in the room longer because their children are at home and need them. Please don’t ever get it twisted like that again.

What’s the dumbest thing a heckler ever said to you on stage?

I don’t let the hecklers come on stage with me.  I make sure they stay in their seats.  If they get too rowdy, I signal the largest person in the room, as if he were a bouncer, and I say, “No there’s no need for that, Tank. You don’t have to escort anyone out yet. Hey why do they call you Tank, anyway?  Is it because you have no scruples about mercilessly crushing someone into the ground?  Please be patient with our talkative friend here. No, on second thought, you know what? GET HIM, TANK!” And if the heckler doesn’t bolt, I shrug and go back to my jokes.  Another method is to offer the heckler nacho-flavor tortilla chips.  No one can resist them, and it buys me 3 to 5 extra minutes of unfettered performance.

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What’s the dumbest thing a stand-up comedian can do before a show?

Get drunk. Remember how funny, coherent, and not annoying you always are when drunk? Well then you’re the only one that remembers that, cause you weren’t. Be a professional. A lawyer wouldn’t show up drunk so neither should a comedian. 

What’s the worst joke you ever told on stage?

The worst joke I told was my third time on stage ever… it also happened to be a Last Comic Standing audition. I stood in line on a freezing Chicago morning for 4 hours all so I could tell the judges this gem which I made up while waiting.  “Sure is cold out there, could have used Frank Stallone and his fire barrel.” One judge laughed, the other didn’t. They both stopped me in the middle of my next joke and asked what that Stallone joke meant. When I explained that it was a clever Rocky movie reference, both their faces dropped and one said, “Oh, we were both wrong. Thanks for coming in.”

What’s the dumbest thing a heckler ever said to you on stage?

Thankfully I’m not heckled too often as I think I disarm them by looking fragile. But when I do get heckled it never really makes sense due to drunkenness (see worst thing comedian can do before show and apply it to audience too). To me it’s much worse than words when you get that stare at the wall that says, “If he’s not talking about strip clubs, I’m gonna THINK about strip clubs.”

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What’s the dumbest thing a stand-up comedian can do before a show?

Eat an entire block of fried cheese which I once did half an hour before hosting my own show. It was a disaster, unless you think an impression of Steven Wright on Valium with gas is funny. In that case, it was a hilarious success.

What’s the worst joke you ever told on stage?

Pretty much everything I said in the first year of doing stand up and most of the second. By the third year I had learned to tone down my Irish accent a little and speak slower so at least the audience could understand what they didn’t like about my act. Specific jokes? Probably the ones about minor life irritations while performing on a show to cheer patients at an upper east side cancer ward. An audience battling cancer isn’t particularly receptive to material on roommates hogging the shower in the morning.

What’s the dumbest thing a heckler ever said to you on stage?

Not exactly a heckle, but one time after bombing on stage for a painful 15 minutes a guy in the audience hugged me as I walked through the crowd to leave and said, “Welcome to America bro, you passed the test!” I’m still not sure what he meant.

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What’s the dumbest job you’ve ever had?
I mean, if by “dumb” you mean I got paid a disturbingly large sum of money to teach 40 Google engineers to play the ukulele, then, yeah, that’d be it.

What’s the dumbest thing you had to do there?
They provided endless frozen piña coladas served in coconuts so the hardest part of my job was to simply try and stay sober.

What do you wish you were told before you took the job?
Engineers brains are far too big and filled with genius knowledge to give a rat’s ass about playing a G chord on the ukulele.

Anything else to share about your time there?
We ate a lunch that took over two hours at a just OK Mexican restaurant down the road which was a double waste, since Google has three private cafeterias stocked better than my paternal Grandmother’s liquor cabinet.

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What’s the dumbest thing a stand-up comedian can do before a show?

Request to be paid in food. It’s tacky. I carry psychological baggage to distract me from eating all the time.

What’s the worst joke you ever told on stage?

I played this pedestrian character who wore a sling on stage and would ridicule bad drivers. A friend offered to help punch it up, but yeah, some ideas are meant to die onstage.

What’s the dumbest thing a heckler ever said to you on stage?

An audience member once called me a bad host. I tossed her the shirt I was wearing and we traded places for two acts. I miss that shirt.

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Another day, another dollar — but how crazy is it to make your living trying to be funny?  We asked stand-up
comedian Sharon Spell to tell us about the dumbest parts of her job.

What’s the dumbest thing a stand-up comedian can do before a show?

Drugs. Unless you need them to function, then it's not doing drugs.

What’s the worst joke you ever told on stage?

The worst jokes I ever told on stage are the ones without punchlines. Never tell a joke without a punchline. That's called, "complaining."

What’s the dumbest thing a heckler ever said to you on stage?

"Get off the stage."  No, stupid, I just got on the stage. What a dummy!

Find out more about Sharon Spell here!

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Have you ever wanted to ask a stranger what the dumbest part of their job is? Well, we have and can and did. This week, we asked stand-up comedian Sue Funke, pictured, to tell us about the dumbest parts of her job. And thankfully, she had plenty to tell us.

What is the dumbest thing a stand-up comedian can do before a show?

Get waaaay too wasted. It can be okay to be a tad buzzed, but if you're sh*tfaced on stage you're basically asking an audience to pay to watch something they could get for free at a bad frat party.

What's the worst joke you ever told on stage?

My "layoff jokes" were super bitter. It was the classic instance of the comedy equation being off;  comedy = tragedy + timing. But when you're a comic and you get a sympathetic "awwwww" it kinda makes you wanna scream, like, "Don't feel bad for me, laugh at me, dammit!"

What's the dumbest thing a heckler ever said to you on stage?

One time I said that Whitney Houston kinda looked like Cynthia from The Real Housewives Of Atlanta, the same week Whitney Houston died. Someone shouted out "Too soon!" Apparently speaking ill of the dead includes saying that they looked like a former model turned Bravo-lebrity.

Have you ever wanted to ask a stranger what the dumbest part of their
job is? Well, we have and we did. This week we ask stand-up
comedian Molly Knefel to tell us about the dumbest parts of her job. Thankfully, she had some hot dumb to dish out.

DAAB: What’s the worst joke you ever told?

MK: "I went to the gynecologist on the hottest day of
the year. Nothing like a cold speculum on a hot morning, eh ladies?" –This was one
of the first jokes I ever wrote and although I know I'm using the "eh
ladies?" ironically, it's still inexcusable.

DAAB: What’s the dumbest thing a heckler ever said to you on stage?

MK: I
haven't really been heckled much. Maybe I just look like I will burst into tears if
you heckle me. Which I might.

Find out more about Molly Knefel here!

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Professional athletes are being interviewed all the time, so it's highly likely that at some point, something they say is going to be…less than great. They might say things like "the sun has been here for 500, 600 years" or they might talk about their battle with "diversity". Either way, we forgive them…sort of.

Check out our list of 10 Dumbest Athlete Quotes Of All Time

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American teachers get a pretty bad rap. With more and more studies showing that education in America is not much better than learning everything you can off a cereal box, it's not an easy career. So when bad teachers add in things like sexual misconduct and death threats to their already subpar teaching abilities, it's just overkill.

Check out 9 Worst Teachers of All Time and see what we mean.

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