As reports of the death of North Korean "dear leader" Kim Jong-il make their way to the far reaches of the world wide web, it’s becoming clear that he that was an exceptional man. According to records, he was the greatest golfer, the most prolific musician, and the greatest film buff the world has ever known. Let’s take a look at some other wonderful claims, that may or may not be substantiated, associated with what has to be most interesting man North Korea has ever produced:

1.) Mathematicians re-calibrated the golden ratio to match Kim Jong-il’s height to platform-heel ratio. 

2.) Tim Tebow used to pray to Kim Jong-il, but Jong-il made him stop because he didn’t like the negative attention.

3.) As a 5-Star general in the Kiss Army, Kim Jong-il was the highest ranking official in North Korea.

4.) No, it did not hurt when Kim Jong-il fell from Heaven. Yes, if you told him he had a nice body, he would hold it against you. 

5.) Kim Jong-il did not believe in Christopher Hitchens. 

6.) Jong-il’s singing voice was so breathtakingly perfect that auto-tune programs refused to change it in any way. 

7.) Kim Jong-il is believed to have once removed a thorn from Jesus' palm.

8.) Kim Jong-il once beat himself in a staring contest, however records show that he never lost. 

9.) Kim Jong-Il could believe it was not butter.

10.) Kim Jong-il’s pompadour was capable of doubling its size to scare off Honey Badgers.

11.) Jong-Il could drink his body weight in alcohol (which isn’t much considering he was legitimately “pint-sized.”)

12.) Kim Jong-il slept with Wilt Chamberlain.

13.) Kim Jong-il was the only man to hold the title of Key Master and Gate Keeper at the same time. 

14.) Kim Jong-ll was so hip, he could remember a time before nostalgia was cool.

15.) At an age when most children are learning to walk, Jong-Il was choreographing and writing every song for his one man boy band: “Weapons of Mass Seduction.” 

16.) Because of Kim Jong-il, the entirety of North Korea is not allowed to smoke, and everyone must be on Team Edward.

17.) Kim Jong-il could correctly predict when animals were about to predict earthquakes.

18.) Kim Jong-il once used his smile to generate a portable Wi-Fi hotspot for a needy child. 

19.) Kim Jong-il was actually made up of a smaller Kim Jong-Il sitting on top of another Kim Jong-Il's shoulders. 

20.) Pioneers used Kim Jong-il as an effective dowsing rod (though his true passion was locating truffles).

21.) In an original cut of Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana tried to use a bag of sand to replace a motionless Kim Jong-il.

22.) Kim Jong-Il didn't always rule countries with an iron fist, but when he did, it was North Korea.

23.) Kim Jong-il, and the political mafia that kept him in power, was responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of his own countrymen. In addition to these countless deaths, this paranoid megalomaniac presided over decades of famine, unprecedented social oppression and insane nuclear brinkmanship!

20 ridiculous things you never knew about Kim Jong-Il 

[buzzfeed.com]

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Apparently Wi-Fi may be damaging your reproductive swimmers. Before you pull that hot laptop away from your precious cargo, I'll ask: is starting a family really worth giving up the benefits a wireless connection provides you on a daily basis? Before you make up your mind, let's look at why the internet is worth the risk:

1.) Sure, a child can look you in the eyes and tell you they love you. But nothing is as gratifying as when someone re-tweets your latest musing: “Ikea is to couples what bars are to single people. A place for delusional people looking for something that won't last very long.” Brilliant.

2.) If you have a family, you can get lower prices on health care. But, who needs that when online medical diagnosis is free. Thanks to Web MD, I know I either have feline conjunctivitis, a nasty case of the French Pox, or pink eye. Ladies?

3.) The internet has made it okay to ask Mila Kunis to attend any one of your balls. "Balls!" Such juvenile innuendos will never cease to be amusing and they'll keep you young. Family will only age you, and Mila just might say "yes." [ABC News]

4.)  Why would you settle down when the internet is the best wingman for your wild oats ever? Not only does it not judge when you type questionable things into a search engine, it will also help with “did you mean…” suggestions and pictures. 

5.) Speaking of, here’s something Neil Patrick Harris can appreciate, thanks to the information available on the world wide web, you can easily find less offensive slang terms for transsexuals to use when you’re on Live with Kelly, or when you’re negotiating fair-market deals on Craigslist. [Crushable]

6.) If you're the shy type, you probably weren't going to start a family anyway. At least the internet has provided a greener way for you to stalk people. No more riding around in a gas-guzzling, windowless van. Now you can flip through a person's online photo album and rest comfortably knowing you're barely leaving any carbon footprints (or fingerprints).

7.)  Unlike marriage, Wi-Fi has improved our sex lives. Before, if you wanted to lower your sperm count, you needed a friend who had steel-toed boots or bottle rockets. It worked, but no sane woman would get within 10 yards of your mangled testicles.

8.) Why have family game night when you can engage in illegal online black jack games? If the stakes are high enough, you just might be able to win someone elses family. 

9.) When is the last time the internet got drunk and ruined Christmas Day by telling everyone that you were born the opposite sex? I'm just saying. 

10.) Your Facebook page is a greater legacy to your time on Earth than any snot-faced little kid who shares half of your genes.

[Wi-Fi damaging sperm?]

[HLNTV.com]

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The trend these days is for a random nobody to ask a celebrity out via the internet. It worked for that guy who asked Mila Kunis to the Marine Corps Ball, and I'm hoping it might work for me. Demi Moore, if you're reading this, I'm stepping this trend up by asking you, point blank, to marry me. I know you'll respect my negotiating tactic. If you reject my hand in marriage, maybe you'll take me up on something less egregious, like coffee. You'll have to pay for the coffee. I hope you'll understand that while I am a semi-professional blogger/stay-at-home boyfriend, I do not carry the bank-roll of the celebrities you typically mingle with. However, I do make it a habit to retract controversial tweets, and I own a Nikon. So there will be some crossover.    

Who am I, Demi? I'm a man. I've had one cavity, that I know of. And I'm 32 years old, which isn't all that old, but it's the oldest I've ever been. Over the years, I've learned the best way to stir infatuation with the fairer sex isn't by telling them I like them; but rather through lying, manipulation, and messing with their emotions until we develop a cultish kind of co-dependant relationship. Which is what any sane person should want. That's what marriage is, right? Till death do you part. That's how cults end. 

Sorry if this comes across as creepy; I'm just being honest. I think we both know that honesty is the best way to maintain a long-term relationship (and also the best way to ruin a short-term relationship).
I understand it's difficult. I don't want to date younger people either, if that helps. When I see a young woman sitting at a bar, I don't see her as a potential sexual conquest. I look at her the same way I look at the skateboard or the pogo-stick. They're things I can't do anymore without looking foolish for trying. Also, younger girls typically are filled with hope and ambition, which means they have no motivation to talk to me. What pick up line would I even use to flirt with younger women? "Hey sweetheart. You know, life is about learning from your mistakes… and I could be that mistake for you. I'll teach you important lessons about what your limitations are, and then you can take those to your next, healthier relationship. Think of me like a flu-shot: I'll make you sick, but not a sick as you could have been!"

So Demi, please think it over, okay? Marriage? Coffee? Your choice. I just don't want you to give up on dating younger men. I know you're in a vulnerable place, but if men are dogs, your beauty will ensure you always have your pick of the litter. If I have to be the ambassador for early thirty-something men, then I will bravely take that bullet for my brothers. 

Also, Betty White, if you happen to be trolling the internet and come across this post, please know this offer extends to you as well.

Follow Lucas on Twitter, because he's funny and awesome and stuff. You can also stalk Dumb As A Blog on Twitter and Facebook. Photo credit: Getty Images.

No matter what anyone tries to tell you, sexuality is not determined by how much meat you eat. People who think it is should not be allowed to make big person decisions, ever. In a recent interview with GQ magazine, presidential hopeful Herman “Where’s The Beef” Cain stated that a pizza covered in an abundance of salty meat was a “manly pizza,” while pizzas topped with vegetables were “sissy pizzas.” Arguably, Herman, an expert in human sexuality and PR, has given us the most insightful comments on gender since the toddler in that scene from Kindergarten Cop, you know: boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. 

What’s going on in Herman’s head? If he actually believes that a pizza covered in an orgy of meat is a manly thing, then why let the logic of his theory stop there? Why not tell people that if they want to be a real man, they should order a pizza covered in brass knuckles, gunpowder and Spanish fly? I bet that’s what Brad Pitt eats to maintain his rugged good looks. Oh wait, Brad is a vegan. Looks like  there are holes in Cain’s airtight theory. However, if eating lots of meaty pizza does affect gender, then I admit that might explain a few things about the current state of Chaz Bono.  

But just how far down the rabbit hole does his crazy train travel? If you think any part of human nature can be determined by consulting a pizza for answers, then how long before you start using runes or a Ouija board to make big decisions? Not only does that put Mr. Cain’s mental state in question, it makes him potentially as annoying as someone who dabbles in astrology. That kind of behavior is barely acceptable on a first date. Bottom line, princess, if you want to run a country, you can’t have a cabinet filled with palm-readers helping you make the big decisions. This isn’t Lord of the Rings.

I understand that Herman worked with the Godfather pizza chain for several years, but clearly the man got in too deep and now can only see the world through pizza-smeared glasses. It’s only a matter of time before his mental state transforms him from Don “Godfather” Corleone to Walter “Apocalypse Now” Kurtz. And the only decision that person is qualified to make involves the best way to properly accessorize human ears.  

A Pizza Party With Herman Cain

[GQ.com}

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Photo: The Daily Beast

The economy sucks. Jobs are scarce. You're sleeping on the futon in your parent’s guestroom because tempin' ain't easy. But don't feel bad about busting your ass just to break even. Look around. You're in good company. Everyone's broke. And let's be honest, the level of hustling required to make ends meet is making us all a little more interesting. If you ever feel dumb for being poor, think about it like this: 

10. The grand kids will be amazed by your carnival lifestyle In 30 years, you’ll be able to regale your grandchildren with tales of how you sold cupcakes out of trailers, raised free-range hens, and lived with 6 people you never saw, but always cleaned up after. And those tykes will gaze upon you with awe, like Charlie Bucket looking at Willy Wonka. And that is why break-dancing in an Uncle Sam costume for minimum wage during tax season is worth it.

9.Debt will always be there I feel that if you have student loans and you don’t graduate, you shouldn’t have to pay them back. They bet on the wrong horse as far as I’m concerned. Creditors don’t see it that way, though. They’re holding my credit hostage until I do pay them back, which is odd because credit is just like my future: they’re both things I never had, yet somehow I ruined them both.

Widely hailed by critics and colleagues as a defining talent of the Austin stand-up comedy scene, Lucas Molandes has an impressive list of accomplishments that include appearances at the prestigious Montreal Just for Laughs Festival, Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham,” CNN”s “Not Just Another Cable News Show,” and the winner of the 2010 Funniest Person In Austin Contest. For more info, check him out at lucasmolandes.com. 

All the dumb that's fit to blog! Check us out on Facebook and Twitter.

Texas is dumb.

How do I know? From 1979 until a few weeks ago, Texas was my home … my dysfunctional home. Sure, we had problems, but they were our problems. I can call Texas dumb because I earned that right. If any outsiders talk trash about my dumb state, I know a few rednecks, hippies, and professional athletes who will join forces and put a boot in their lone star.

Here are my fourteen reasons why the great state of Texas is dumb. 

1.) Y'all 
If Texas had an official state word, “Y’all” would be it. To be honest, 31 years of Texas living and I’m still not exactly sure what the word means. An online dictionary tells me it is a fusing of the words “you” and “all,” but I feel like that doesn’t make sense. I do know that when I use the word outside of Texas, people laugh at me the same way they laugh at a child when it says, “pasghettis and meatbulbs.”

2.) Dallas Cowboys Stadium
And you thought the pyramids were an eyesore. Jerry Jones – with the help of taxpayers – built the 1.15 billion dollar stadium for a team that hasn’t been to the Super Bowl since I was young enough to believe in things. The stadium is currently the 4th largest in the NFL and the largest domed stadium in the league. I’m sure engineers advised making the stadium that large because they needed to be sure it was big enough to house all the disappointment the Cowboys would bring to the fans. 

3.) The Alamo: What have you done for us lately?
When it comes to shameless promotion, the Alamo has been used to sell more products than P.T. Barnum. Searching the word “Alamo” in the San Antonio Yellow Pages turns up over 1,000 results. Whether you want to rent a car or buy water softeners, the word Alamo is arguably more synonymous with consumerism than it is with the actual historical landmark. Also, the last time I visited the Alamo, I got kicked out. Because of my Anglo-Mexican background, I have mixed emotions about that. 

4.) Pride
“All hail the mighty state?” That's a verse in the Texas state song. Yeah. Sure Texas, you’re a good state, but there’s no reason for me to hail you. I get that you’re large and in charge, but some might argue you’re no better than Tennessee in a fat suit. What’s odd is people all over Texas praise the majesty of the state, but as soon as they find out you’re from a town with a rival college, they’ve got a hundred reasons why you’d be best to get back where you came from.

5.) "New" Country Music
Just because you’re from Texas and you play the guitar doesn’t mean people want to hear about your job at the gristmill. Long gone are the days when country musicians snuck into Mexico to stock up on ‘wakey pills’, here are the days where musicians believe marriage is a sacred institution. It’s enough to make me want to pack up my truck-nuts and call it a day. 

6.) High School Football
High school football is big business in Texas. We’ve all heard of Friday Night Lights, the show about Texans living vicariously through their favorite child. It should be noted that high school football is the only way grown men in rural Texas are allowed to express emotion – which is completely necessary when all those failed dreams keep being passed down from generation to generation.

7.) Dallas: The Television Show
Dallas is an example of ‘Texploitation.’ In the 31 years I lived in Texas, I never met anyone who drove a car with bullhorn hood-ornaments. The only time people talked about oil was during spring break when my bros needed their backs rubbed down. No, I never rode a horse. The only parts of Dallas that were remotely close to my experiences in the “Big D” were the the excessive drinking and believing I was above the law. 

8.) The Food 
Texas consistently takes up 30 to 40 percent of the top 10 Fattest Cities in American surveys. This infamous accolade happens for one reason – the delicious, vein-clogging food. Deep-fried, bacon-wrapped jalapeños stuffed with strawberry cheesecake and gout? I’ll take ten! The slogan "Everything is bigger in Texas" is arguably the most diplomatic way of saying "more of me to love."

9.) Summer Time Sun!
Davy Crockett has been famously quoted, "you may all go to hell and I will go to Texas." Apparently Dave never spent a summer in Texas. Five solid months of 100-plus degree weather? Droughts? Roadside fires? German water parks? You don't know hell until you've nursed a prickly pear for H2O during the height of Texas summer. 

10.) Austin – The Black Sheep
Remember how you felt at that family bar-b-q when your brother – back from his first semester at college – passive-aggressively informed you that meat was murder? That's how the rest of Texas feels about Austin. While most of the state works 40+ hours a week, Austin devotes it’s days to learning how to spin fire while riding a unicycle. Sure, dumpster-diving is good for the environment, but too much overzealous, bleeding-heart proselytizing is enough to make me vote republican. 

11.) The Rest of Texas
Remember how you felt at that family bar-b-q when your redneck brother aggressively informed you he wasn’t going to grill your Tofurky? That’s how Austin feels about the rest of Texas. Except for a few rogue art communities sprinkled throughout Texas, much of the populated state is a soulless, corporate playground. Of course, you need the yang to fully appreciate the ying, but all that “you ain’t from around here” talk is enough to make me want to throw my vote away. 

12.) The Riverwalk in San Antonio
The Riverwalk is quite beautiful according to the tourist pamphlet. What the pamphlet fails to mention is the quality of the water flowing through that river. Make sure you don’t have open wounds if you plan on being within 10 feet of this fetid Texas tourist trap. I’m sure if one were to fall in, aside from obtaining some weird mutant powers, they’d be up to their neck in lock jaw and Lues disease. 

13.) Drive-Thru Liquor Stores
So you forgot your roadie? Just pull into any number of Texas' drive-thru liquor stores, stock up and turn rush hour into a tailgate party. What’s that? You don’t have a ride? Well don’t worry, this isn’t some holier-than-thou fast food joint; you’re not required to have a kickin’ set of wheels to buy booze from drive-thru liquor establishments. All you need is a passable I.D., a thirsty liver and a common law partner who can take the wheel when nature calls. 

14.) Padre Island Spring break 
 Spring break at Padre Island is where it all goes down. Your standards. Your credit score. Your top. Once a year, libido-driven human-locusts flock to this beach to forget their college troubles and engage in flesh-filled adventures that will permanently eliminate their ability to hold public office. I personally don’t have a problem with Padre becoming a make-shift Gomorrah, but I do have a hard time supporting anything that answers the question: what if The Jersey Shore had more handguns?

Widely hailed by critics and colleagues as a defining talent of the Austin stand-up comedy scene, Lucas Molandes has an impressive list of accomplishments that include appearances at the prestigious Montreal Just for Laughs Festival, Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham,” CNN”s “Not Just Another Cable News Show,” and the winner of the 2010 Funniest Person In Austin Contest. For more info, check him out at lucasmolandes.com. 

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Photo courtesy of jamiesrabbits