As reports of the death of North Korean "dear leader" Kim Jong-il make their way to the far reaches of the world wide web, it’s becoming clear that he that was an exceptional man. According to records, he was the greatest golfer, the most prolific musician, and the greatest film buff the world has ever known. Let’s take a look at some other wonderful claims, that may or may not be substantiated, associated with what has to be most interesting man North Korea has ever produced:
1.) Mathematicians re-calibrated the golden ratio to match Kim Jong-il’s height to platform-heel ratio.
2.) Tim Tebow used to pray to Kim Jong-il, but Jong-il made him stop because he didn’t like the negative attention.
3.) As a 5-Star general in the Kiss Army, Kim Jong-il was the highest ranking official in North Korea.
Apparently Wi-Fi may be damaging your reproductive swimmers. Before you pull that hot laptop away from your precious cargo, I'll ask: is starting a family really worth giving up the benefits a wireless connection provides you on a daily basis? Before you make up your mind, let's look at why the internet is worth the risk:
1.) Sure, a child can look you in the eyes and tell you they love you. But nothing is as gratifying as when someone re-tweets your latest musing: “Ikea is to couples what bars are to single people. A place for delusional people looking for something that won't last very long.” Brilliant.
The trend these days is for a random nobody to ask a celebrity out via the internet. It worked for that guy who asked Mila Kunis to the Marine Corps Ball, and I'm hoping it might work for me. Demi Moore, if you're reading this, I'm stepping this trend up by asking you, point blank, to marry me. I know you'll respect my negotiating tactic. If you reject my hand in marriage, maybe you'll take me up on something less egregious, like coffee. You'll have to pay for the coffee. I hope you'll understand that while I am a semi-professional blogger/stay-at-home boyfriend, I do not carry the bank-roll of the celebrities you typically mingle with. However, I do make it a habit to retract controversial tweets, and I own a Nikon. So there will be some crossover.
No matter what anyone tries to tell you, sexuality is not determined by how much meat you eat. People who think it is should not be allowed to make big person decisions, ever. In a recent interview with GQ magazine, presidential hopeful Herman “Where’s The Beef” Cain stated that a pizza covered in an abundance of salty meat was a “manly pizza,” while pizzas topped with vegetables were “sissy pizzas.” Arguably, Herman, an expert in human sexuality and PR, has given us the most insightful comments on gender since the toddler in that scene from Kindergarten Cop, you know: boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.
The economy sucks. Jobs are scarce. You're sleeping on the futon in your parent’s guestroom because tempin' ain't easy. But don't feel bad about busting your ass just to break even. Look around. You're in good company. Everyone's broke. And let's be honest, the level of hustling required to make ends meet is making us all a little more interesting. If you ever feel dumb for being poor, think about it like this:
10. The grand kids will be amazed by your carnival lifestyle In 30 years, you’ll be able to regale your grandchildren with tales of how you sold cupcakes out of trailers, raised free-range hens, and lived with 6 people you never saw, but always cleaned up after. And those tykes will gaze upon you with awe, like Charlie Bucket looking at Willy Wonka. And that is why break-dancing in an Uncle Sam costume for minimum wage during tax season is worth it.
Texas is dumb.
How do I know? From 1979 until a few weeks ago, Texas was my home … my dysfunctional home. Sure, we had problems, but they were our problems. I can call Texas dumb because I earned that right. If any outsiders talk trash about my dumb state, I know a few rednecks, hippies, and professional athletes who will join forces and put a boot in their lone star.
Here are my fourteen reasons why the great state of Texas is dumb.
If Texas had an official state word, “Y’all” would be it. To be honest, 31 years of Texas living and I’m still not exactly sure what the word means. An online dictionary tells me it is a fusing of the words “you” and “all,” but I feel like that doesn’t make sense. I do know that when I use the word outside of Texas, people laugh at me the same way they laugh at a child when it says, “pasghettis and meatbulbs.”
2.) Dallas Cowboys Stadium
And you thought the pyramids were an eyesore. Jerry Jones – with the help of taxpayers – built the 1.15 billion dollar stadium for a team that hasn’t been to the Super Bowl since I was young enough to believe in things. The stadium is currently the 4th largest in the NFL and the largest domed stadium in the league. I’m sure engineers advised making the stadium that large because they needed to be sure it was big enough to house all the disappointment the Cowboys would bring to the fans.
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