Sometimes I wish I had laser beam eyes, like in the comic books. The ability to lower my glasses and shoot white hot beams of energy out of my ocular cavities and incinerate whatever it is I happen to be looking at. 

Because, lady on the New York subway train, I would have used my lightening peepers to zap those fingernail clippers you were using right across from me out of your hands. The fingernail clippers you were using to snip your filthy fingernails that you then allowed to fall to the ground.

Watching you prune those filthy Chiclets of keratin growing out of your digits and then allowing the brittle crescents of DNA to jump onto your lap, your shoe, and the subway floor was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. You littered with your body parts. Forget laser beam eyes, I would have settled for the power to instantly projectile vomit.

Anything to stop you from grooming in my presence because it was truly the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen in public. You ruined my morning. It's over now, but the memory still lingers.

I like to think I have a high tolerance for public grossness.  I mean, I live in New York, a city where the sidewalks basically have a mucus membrane.  I’ve seen a hobo give himself a saliva bath outside of my apartment. Once, at a doctor’s appointment, a squat woman sat next to me and slurped up slimy slices of bologna she was carrying around in a plastic bag in her pocket. 

Another time, at a fancy cocktail party I had to attend for work, I saw a man in an expensive Italian suit vomit liver mousse into an ice bucket. 

I never flinched. Not once. I am a steel-jacketed M&M. Hard. I have seen it all. Smelt it all. But this alleged human sitting on the train, her lap covered in skin Fritos, crossed some kind of personal line of decency with me. I mean a couple of weeks ago, I watched a dude eat fried chicken on the train and he ate it with a greasy open mouth so he basically was broadcasting a symphony of smacks, chomps and swallows.  That was barely tolerable, but tolerable! 

I think it’s totally fair and normal that this lady enraged me so. She looked snotty too, entitled, like one of those people who don’t work, but also camp outside the Apple Store in order to buy the new iUgh. She clipped her nails so blithely. I’m sorry, but she didn’t have the right to treat a public space like it was her boudoir. Her right to clip her nails ends within five feet of where my feet are, which is how far away I was from her… protein shavings.  

At one point, she even bit a hangnail off with her teeth. I don’t know if you know this, but the New York subway literally throbs with the energy of trillions of microscopic bacteria. She put her finger in her mouth and tore out a hangnail with her teeth. And. Then. She. Chewed. On. It. 

By the time she had finished clipping, and snipping and cleaning, her feet were surrounded by a halo of dead human cells. It looked like someone had taken a cheese grater to a horse hoof. Did she see me glaring? Gritting my teeth? Gagging on rage? Is it enough that we have to commute in a long steel box full of other people’s stinky molecules? How much time does clipping your nails on the train save? 

How would you react if I stood above you and flossed after eating a pile of spinach? Would you be oblivious if I sat down next to you, took off my shoe, and massaged my bunion? I should have just picked my nose and catapulted boogers at her.

I wish I had laser beam eyes.

Yes, it’s a free country. But that doesn’t mean free to be gross right in front of me. 

Phew. I feel better. 

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This photo gallery has everything you could ever want in a photo gallery.

Bunnies. Kittens. Orangutans. 

And yo fat, dumb, nasty, ugly, old mama.

You must click through. Now. This is the dumbest Dumb As A Blog post ever. Or at least, since this blog post.

If you like cute animals, click. If you like yo mama jokes, click. If you like puppies and jokes about fat asses, click! If you like neither, click anyway.

15 adorable animals telling yo mama jokes

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Men are thankful for so many things, like friends and family. But wait! There's more! Men are also thankful for these 17 things. 

Americans count their blessings every Thanksgiving, Because this national holiday is about giving thanks for all the good things in life we sometimes overlook. But also, it's a time to reflect on those other things we're thankful for. 

Like beer.

And bacon.

And duct tape.

If you're a man, check out these things to be thankful for. If you're not blessed/cursed to be a man, then check out these things that the men in your life are thankful for, then shake your head. 

Happy Gobble Day!

17 things men are thankful for

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The "hand turkey" is the beloved symbol of the Thanksgiving holiday. But they're not just for kids. Get in the spirit of our national orgy of gluttony, and make your very own dumb Thanksgiving hand turkey.

"But old fashioned hand turkeys are boring," says you.

"Well, that's why we have 12 dumb hand turkeys that you can copy," says me. Express yourself, America!

Making a hand turkey is easy. You just need some paper, crayons, a human hand (attached or not attached), and your imagination, which is that thing you thought died when you were a kid. But, in fact, your imagination is alive and well, chained in the basement of your heart. 

Our dumb hand turkeys include the "whatever" hand turkey, the "Vulcan" hand turkey, and what a cartoon characters disturbing hand turkey might look like.

12 dumb Thanksgiving hand turkeys

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If you actually follow these dumb sex tips, then you deserve the confused stare or slap upside the head you're going to get. These tips, found on the Internet, are 100% dumb.

The Internet is a great place to find directions, recipes, or funny photos of cats. It is not a suitable place to find serious medical diagnoses, thoughtful political opinions, or advice on how to spice up your love life.

Seriously, one of the dumb sex tips we found involved placing a donut on a part of the body that doesn't need to have a donut placed around it. Another sex tip suggests playing the unsexy game "Do you have prostate cancer"?

This list gives you one piece of totally responsible sex advice, and then 13 tips that are guarunteed to keep you from ever having to seek out sex tips again. 

13 dumb sex tips from the internet 

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Being president pro: nice office, awesome plane, access to nuclear weapons

Being president cons: these 15 reasons why being the leader of the free world is DUMB

Right now, eight Republican candidates are campaigning, debating, and hustling to run against a Democratic incumbent in next years presidential election. 

These ambitious men and woman are being put through the public meat-grinder, as their party tests their fitness to assume the absolute dumbest job ever.

Seriously. Being president is certainly a very important job. But the ratio of perks to drawbacks is absurd. Why would anyone want a job that basically ages you faster than normal?

If you want to grow up to be president, because you can if you really, really want to, take a moment to read these 15 reasons being the commander-in-chief is a dumb job. Maybe you'll want to grow up to just be rich and famous.

15 reasons why the US presidency is the dumbest job in the world

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Animals are dumb. 

You want to know what dogs think? Three primary things: poop, eat, and play. So when your dog looks up to you with his cute eyes, don't lie to yourself. Fido isn't thinking "Gosh, I love you master!" Your best friend is thinking "Poop! Eat! Play!" 

The Internet loves photos of adorable animals combined with whimsical captions. Ha, ha, animals think just like humans! Only they're not like humans. They're not human. Critters have tiny brains that can only process simple thoughts. If you can even call their instinctual impulses "thinking." 

Hate to break it to you, but this is what actually knocks around the noggins of cats, monkeys and bears. This doesn't make them any less adorable. 

What animals are actually thinking

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These 13 toys want to tell you something. But they'll wait until you're safely tucked into bed. 

The classic animated movie Toy Story doesn't actually tell the true story about what your childhood toys did after you went to bed. 

They didn't dance or have wacky adventures or talk about how much you meant to them. That's just what happens in adorable cartoon movies.

What really happened was this: you fell asleep, they crawled over your blanket, found your ear, and hissed in it. Which is why, to this day, you still have those nightmares. 

Happy Halloween!

13 toys that whisper things in your ears while you sleep

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The zombie craze is dumb. Because, like all fads, it is just a meaningless fashion statement adored by conformists. Zombies were cool once upon a time. But now they're just a lazy, cheap, and uninspired way to thrill a nation of yawning butterballs. 

So enough with the zombies already! You've won, zombie fans. Zombies are everywhere. Can we move on now? Can werewolves be the new zombie? 

These flesh-eating monsters have taken over pop culture, and have devoured the brains of millions of Americans. You can't turn on the television, visit a bookstore, or surf online without running into the undead. Look: George A. Romero's Night of the Living Dead is a classic horror movie. The Walking Dead is one of the best written graphic novels out there and World War Z is a hell of an entertaining horror novel. But, man, it's all too much. 

Here are 11 reasons why this lame cultural phenomenon is dumb. Oh, they're metaphors? Shut-up. 

Our list of 11 reasons why the zombie craze is dumb

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Everybody loves Halloween, except for these dogs. 

These dogs are the victims of owners who think the most adorable thing in the world is a dog wearing a hat. Just like humans do!

Halloween is that night of the year where children and adults win. Children get to shovel candy into their greedy, drooling little mouths. Adults get to dress up like "slutty" pirates or nurses, forgetting that fact that pirates were 19th century terrorists and nurses change bedpans. 

But you know who doesn't win on Halloween? Our four-legged friends. Check out these photographs of miserable pooches who are the victim of their master's creative impulses.

For added affect, download Sarah McLachlan's song "Angel" and play it while clicking through these 100% real pics of dogs forced to amuse humans.

20 reasons it sucks to be a dog on Halloween

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