Sometimes I wish I had laser beam eyes, like in the comic books. The ability to lower my glasses and shoot white hot beams of energy out of my ocular cavities and incinerate whatever it is I happen to be looking at.
Because, lady on the New York subway train, I would have used my lightening peepers to zap those fingernail clippers you were using right across from me out of your hands. The fingernail clippers you were using to snip your filthy fingernails that you then allowed to fall to the ground.
Watching you prune those filthy Chiclets of keratin growing out of your digits and then allowing the brittle crescents of DNA to jump onto your lap, your shoe, and the subway floor was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. You littered with your body parts. Forget laser beam eyes, I would have settled for the power to instantly projectile vomit.
Anything to stop you from grooming in my presence because it was truly the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen in public. You ruined my morning. It's over now, but the memory still lingers.
This photo gallery has everything you could ever want in a photo gallery.
Bunnies. Kittens. Orangutans.
And yo fat, dumb, nasty, ugly, old mama.
You must click through. Now. This is the dumbest Dumb As A Blog post ever. Or at least, since this blog post.
Men are thankful for so many things, like friends and family. But wait! There's more! Men are also thankful for these 17 things.
Americans count their blessings every Thanksgiving, Because this national holiday is about giving thanks for all the good things in life we sometimes overlook. But also, it's a time to reflect on those other things we're thankful for.
And duct tape.
If you're a man, check out these things to be thankful for. If you're not blessed/cursed to be a man, then check out these things that the men in your life are thankful for, then shake your head.
Happy Gobble Day!
The "hand turkey" is the beloved symbol of the Thanksgiving holiday. But they're not just for kids. Get in the spirit of our national orgy of gluttony, and make your very own dumb Thanksgiving hand turkey.
"But old fashioned hand turkeys are boring," says you.
"Well, that's why we have 12 dumb hand turkeys that you can copy," says me. Express yourself, America!
Making a hand turkey is easy. You just need some paper, crayons, a human hand (attached or not attached), and your imagination, which is that thing you thought died when you were a kid. But, in fact, your imagination is alive and well, chained in the basement of your heart.
Our dumb hand turkeys include the "whatever" hand turkey, the "Vulcan" hand turkey, and what a cartoon characters disturbing hand turkey might look like.
If you actually follow these dumb sex tips, then you deserve the confused stare or slap upside the head you're going to get. These tips, found on the Internet, are 100% dumb.
The Internet is a great place to find directions, recipes, or funny photos of cats. It is not a suitable place to find serious medical diagnoses, thoughtful political opinions, or advice on how to spice up your love life.
Seriously, one of the dumb sex tips we found involved placing a donut on a part of the body that doesn't need to have a donut placed around it. Another sex tip suggests playing the unsexy game "Do you have prostate cancer"?
This list gives you one piece of totally responsible sex advice, and then 13 tips that are guarunteed to keep you from ever having to seek out sex tips again.
Being president pro: nice office, awesome plane, access to nuclear weapons
Being president cons: these 15 reasons why being the leader of the free world is DUMB
Right now, eight Republican candidates are campaigning, debating, and hustling to run against a Democratic incumbent in next years presidential election.
These ambitious men and woman are being put through the public meat-grinder, as their party tests their fitness to assume the absolute dumbest job ever.
Seriously. Being president is certainly a very important job. But the ratio of perks to drawbacks is absurd. Why would anyone want a job that basically ages you faster than normal?
If you want to grow up to be president, because you can if you really, really want to, take a moment to read these 15 reasons being the commander-in-chief is a dumb job. Maybe you'll want to grow up to just be rich and famous.
Animals are dumb.
You want to know what dogs think? Three primary things: poop, eat, and play. So when your dog looks up to you with his cute eyes, don't lie to yourself. Fido isn't thinking "Gosh, I love you master!" Your best friend is thinking "Poop! Eat! Play!"
The Internet loves photos of adorable animals combined with whimsical captions. Ha, ha, animals think just like humans! Only they're not like humans. They're not human. Critters have tiny brains that can only process simple thoughts. If you can even call their instinctual impulses "thinking."
Hate to break it to you, but this is what actually knocks around the noggins of cats, monkeys and bears. This doesn't make them any less adorable.
These 13 toys want to tell you something. But they'll wait until you're safely tucked into bed.
The classic animated movie Toy Story doesn't actually tell the true story about what your childhood toys did after you went to bed.
They didn't dance or have wacky adventures or talk about how much you meant to them. That's just what happens in adorable cartoon movies.
What really happened was this: you fell asleep, they crawled over your blanket, found your ear, and hissed in it. Which is why, to this day, you still have those nightmares.
The zombie craze is dumb. Because, like all fads, it is just a meaningless fashion statement adored by conformists. Zombies were cool once upon a time. But now they're just a lazy, cheap, and uninspired way to thrill a nation of yawning butterballs.
So enough with the zombies already! You've won, zombie fans. Zombies are everywhere. Can we move on now? Can werewolves be the new zombie?
These flesh-eating monsters have taken over pop culture, and have devoured the brains of millions of Americans. You can't turn on the television, visit a bookstore, or surf online without running into the undead. Look: George A. Romero's Night of the Living Dead is a classic horror movie. The Walking Dead is one of the best written graphic novels out there and World War Z is a hell of an entertaining horror novel. But, man, it's all too much.
Here are 11 reasons why this lame cultural phenomenon is dumb. Oh, they're metaphors? Shut-up.
Everybody loves Halloween, except for these dogs.
These dogs are the victims of owners who think the most adorable thing in the world is a dog wearing a hat. Just like humans do!
Halloween is that night of the year where children and adults win. Children get to shovel candy into their greedy, drooling little mouths. Adults get to dress up like "slutty" pirates or nurses, forgetting that fact that pirates were 19th century terrorists and nurses change bedpans.
But you know who doesn't win on Halloween? Our four-legged friends. Check out these photographs of miserable pooches who are the victim of their master's creative impulses.
For added affect, download Sarah McLachlan's song "Angel" and play it while clicking through these 100% real pics of dogs forced to amuse humans.
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