I've always felt that life's grand scheme is for everyone to find the thing that they are better at than anyone else in the world and dedicate their lives to do that very thing. So I imagine when this guy learned that he was the world's greatest bagpipe player, he realized he'd have to outdo Tropicana's supply in the "turning lemons into lemonade" department.
Sure his talent for turning musical classics into Scottish death marches might be impressive, but he's still playing the bagpipes, an instrument that the United Nation's Office for Disarmament Affairs still classifies as a weapon of mass destruction. Ever wonder why no one has started a war with Scotland in awhile?
It's naive to think that the world's biggest stars are as chaste as Buddhist monks. They have thousands of easily accessible fans including some fellow very attractive starlets throwing themselves at them, sometimes with actual medieval catapults.
This means, of course, that their heads usually aren't in the right place. But even this sexually repressed Internet writer would have enough sense to keep his propolyaptics in a place where the paparazzi couldn't seem them. That's because if I were famous enough to have a limo, it would come with a pneumatic condom dispenser.
College basketball games don't excite me too much. It's not a criticism, just an observation. They're just kids starting out in a semi-pro league, looking to turn their performance into an NBA legend so naturally they aren't going to give it their best or risk a career-altering or career-ending injury. And those were just the kids who spent all those years working with Bobby Knight.
This anchor managed to actually bring some action to an NCAA game, although his handling of the moment wasn't the smoothest transition with his "big time stool" crack. He could have said he "just dropped a big, steamy stool on the court" and it would have been a step up.
It still amazes me that there are so many people who continue to deny that America actually went to the moon. Not only have their claims been busted over and over and over again, people still hang on to their flimsy theories about shadows and secret film studios. This guy is so adamant about his beliefs that he actually gets in Buzz Aldrin's face about it and Buzz lands a fist on his face. It's too bad he didn't have an American flag that he could plant on it as well.
The world is full of dumb sports.
We have Ultimate Tazer Ball, a soccer style game where the players shoot each other with stun guns. (It won't impress Americans because it involves soccer and it won't impress the Brits because their fans commit deadlier assaults with non-electronic weapons in the stands before the game starts).
We have chessboxing. (Well, America doesn't because it still features chess and just thinking about that makes our heads hurt more than the guys who are pounding each other in the skull between rounds).
Blindfolded boxing, however, should have gotten a better shot than all of the Lingerie Football's seasons combined. Just imagine an easily confused and short-tempered Mike Tyson swinging wildly and knocking out Evander Holyfield, the referree, his trainer, his opponent's trainer, an old lady in the front row, and a car in the parking lot that he thought was Buster Douglas.
Commercials seem to have a very skewed view of reality. Magical talking animals just appear out of nowhere and everyone seems to accept them as if they see them every day. If your car broke down and a ferret started telling you that you should have used Castrol GTX, you'd beat it to death until it stopped trying to form the phrase "thermal breakdown".
The "Purity Bear" manages to take something already creepy to a spine-chattering level. Just try not thinking about this the next time you're "getting it on". This abstinence organization's motto must be "If we can't get any, no one gets any!"
They say that TV, particularly the news, has become too pervasive in its scope and depth of coverage and that the few discoveries of truth they manage to tap are superficial and meaningless at best. On the other hand, if you caught this moment on camera, your news editor would probably give you a raise just for showing it to everyone in the office.
This has got to be the most exciting and violent thing to happen on this Canadian news channel since the Prime Minister punched a moose that spoke out against government funded health care.
Jeremy Lin has become something of a legend in the NFL in a short amount of time. He's gone from a third string goalie to a starting left wing striker for the Newark Giants in a short amount of time and he's put on quite an impressive performance on the ice.
In fact, he's doing so well that his fans are really hoping that he'll finally be able to bring them the coveted Heisman Trophy. If that happens, women all over Newark will be throwing themselves at Lin's fleece. I hope he's got a good dry cleaner.
Unsupervised kids always make for the best viral videos. There's no one standing over them with enough wisdom to know that firing a paintball gun into your own crotch at point blank range is a bad idea. Grown ups would just get in the way of our entertainment.
These kids also made me realize that their absence also eliminates any warnings about the potential for harm. Sure, hitting a broken TV with a softball bat might seem like the most harmless thing a kid can do, but they clearly didn't pay attention in physics class to concepts like the laws of inertia and force. So not only are their parents failing to make sure they stay out of trouble, but their teachers are failing to teach them basic scientific concepts that can prepare them for the world they are destined to enter. In other words, it's pure comedy gold for the rest of us. Who says the system doesn't work?
This reminds me of a great scene from "Bull Durham" where Kevin Costner sits down the cocky young rookie played by Tim Robbins and teaches him how to be interviewed in the big leagues. He makes him memorize boring cliches like "We got to play 'em one day at a time" and "I'm just happy to be here and I hope I can help the ball club". He and other minor league mentors should throw in a few extra lessons like periods and putting spaces between words.
No one expects athletes to be Rhodes scholars, but they should at least have an understanding of sentence structure and syllables. After all, guys like these are getting thousands of dollars of FREE education for throwing and catching a ball. Meanwhile, big time universities are pushing away students who want to learn so they can give it away to guys and gals who don't show up for class because they couldn't remember if the big or little hand indicates hours, only to realize they are wearing a digital watch.
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