You don’t know me. But then again, I didn’t really know you until you were charged with DUI in 2012 and you showed up in a mug shot sporting pearly pink hair. I guess I need to follow the Kids’ Choice Awards more closely.
Anyhow, a little more than a year later, I see you’re facing reckless endangerment and attempted tampering with physical evidence charges. Which is a fancy way of saying you allegedly tossed a bong out a window. Police say the bong flew out the 36th floor of the Manhattan apartment you’ve since been evicted from, and the doorman says this all started when you allegedly had the lady balls to roll and light a joint in the lobby of your (then) building.
So I see you arrived at Manhattan Criminal Court this week for your hearing sporting this streaky blue wig… Now I’m not a stylist — not a “fashionista,” per se — so maybe you’ll take this with a grain of salt. But wearing a blonde wig dyed aquamarine to a court house says something about you. It says, “I’m not the kind of person who makes smart decisions.” The blue wig is basically the “might-as-well-toss-this-bong-out-a-window” of hair styles.
Add the Rolex you’re wearing on your wrist, the ratty sweat pants and those arm wing tats and it all screams, “Obviously, I care about not endangering others about as much as I care about my own appearance… which is not at all.”
Maybe we can get a court order to sell the watch and reinvest that money into a new wardrobe? At the very least, let’s hope you shop for lawyers with the same eye for quality that you use when looking for wristwatches and not the vetting system you use when looking for pants.
But, okay, I’ll stop being so harsh on you. Especially since you are now tweeting that you can’t breathe.
I hope this problem isn’t serious and you get better. Based on your recent choices, it seems like you need as much extra oxygen to the brain as possible.
Your internet BFF 4eva,