First off, I love the site Foodbeast.
They hip us to all kinds of weird and stupid happenings in the food world, like this jackass from Vancouver who changed his pizza pickup to a delivery because the Canucks tied up their NHL playoff game, and then watched them lose in overtime.
But as much as I love Foodbeast, they’re just flat wrong about this video, entitled “How to eat an apple like a boss.” (video after the jump)
Seriously, dude? You eat apples better than me?
First off, wasting 30 percent of an apple does not rank high on my list of culinary injustices, especially in a country that thinks eating a taco made out of Cool Ranch Dorito is acceptable. In fact, it doesn’t even rank in my top three apple-based injustices: candy apples, idiots who prefer ice cream on apple pie instead of the clearly superior alternative of a fresh slice of cheddar cheese, and finally, Gwyneth Paltrow’s terrible child-naming skills.
Secondly, c’mon man. You’re being a show-off.
If you eat the whole apple like that, you’re not doing it because you LOVE eating apples, you’re doing it because you want to brag about how goddamn individualistic you are. Posing like you’re concerned about “apple waste” just makes you a liar on top of a blowhard. And while I’m at it- WHAT’S UP WITH THE FRENCH ACCORDION MUSIC? For pete’s sake- what, were you worried that the dude in the video doesn’t come off like enough of a pompous, “I eat apples better than everybody” douche-potato? What might drive that point home a little stronger? OH I KNOW, how about the attitude and culture of the French?
You know what you should do if a guy ever comes up to you and says “would you like to learn how to eat apples like a boss” and does that?
Pick up an apple and say “Interesting — you know how I enjoy apples?” Then, as he’s about to respond, throw your apple directly at his testicles. As he crumples in pain, kneel down close to his ear and whisper:
“There you go, boss. How do you like them apples?”
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