I lost my hat. It’s not as interesting as I Lost 98 Pounds And Fell In Love By Dating Escorts. But it’s true.
I took my hat off on the bus and then didn’t pick it up when I left. I noticed my dumb mistake after I got off at Port Authority in New York City. By the time I looked up, the bus was suddenly lost in a sea of other buses that looked just like it.
This picture is the only evidence I have of this beloved hat that scored many more compliments than you would guess from this crappy screen grab of a crappy video I took of myself while ice skating crappily last week. Yes, I was filming myself ice skating. That was dumb too. Arms are only so long so all I got was video of a stationary head with a swirling background behind it.
Not to brag but I bought this hat inside a shop that was inside a Pathmark in New Jersey. In heavily-accented English the salesman told me how beautiful I looked in it (as well as how good I looked in every hat I tried on) because I looked awesome and/or not too many people come in and buy hats inside a tiny shop inside a Pathmark.
It was made of 100% genuine faux squirrel. Or maybe it’s faux otter. Not sure.
CNN says that in addition to snow we’re about to get 40 mph to 60 mph winds, hurricane-force gusts and possible flooding in coastal areas. This is a bad time to lose a hat. And now I’m in glamorous New York City and there are no Pathmarks here with cheapo hat stores tucked inside them.
I entered the details into the NJ transit system website and now I must sit, hatless, and wait for an answer. I described it as “brown” because the dropdown menu didn’t have many choices. Now I’m feeling brown wasn’t the best choice.
I am an idiot. A hatless idiot. Maybe I should date some escorts to get over the hurt.
If you see my hat or just want to talk to someone who likes to talk about fake animal hats with earflaps, please leave a comment here or contact me on Twitter.