If you’re not familiar with Parks and Recreation star Aubrey Plaza, she’s an actress who usually plays girls who drop out of the world because it’s so lame, yet remain sexy enough that she can rejoin it instantly at a moment’s notice, if she ever decides to stop pouting. It’s an appealing character, mainly to the type of person who doesn’t let the fact that they never write anything stop them from acquiring a collection of antique typewriters, or Hollywood types who think “Catcher In The Rye” could be adapted into a decent movie if only Holden Caulfield was played by a hot 19-year-old girl.
She’s kind of insufferable.
Anyway, she’s also given one of the stupidest interviews in recorded history to Bon Appetit magazine. In it, she’s pictured eating a bowl of sugar cereal, with milk running down her chin, because BON APPETIT, am I right? The interview itself is amazing, especially considering this is a food magazine, and all she talks about is her inability to cook, the fact she eats candy and sugar cereal all day long, and then ends with a charming anecdote about throwing up a meal. Yes, this interview in a food magazine features binging AND purging! Perfect for the aspiring chef!
After the jump, enjoy some jaw-dropping highlights, with commentary:
Bon Appetit: You’re half Puerto Rican. Did you grow up cooking traditional food?
Aubrey Plaza: It’d be a lie to say I “grew up cooking.” But I was around a lot of food. My grandmother has been trying to teach me the basics–sofrito and rice and beans.
I’m sorry, you’ve “been around food?” You’ve seen it before, right? You know what food is? OK, we’re setting the bar there? That’s a pretty low bar.
Bon Appetit: So what’s the secret to tasty rice and beans?
AP: Old-school, Goya Sazón-style seasoning. The kind you get in the back part of a shady Mexican grocery store.
AH- OK, so just open up a jar? Glad I read this. Also, when you say you can only find Goya “in the back part of a shady Mexican grocery store?” What do you mean by that exactly? Michelle Obama’s house? Gotcha. Very obscure ingredient.
What about at work–what’s on your dream craft-services table?
AP: A boatload of apples and almond butter and yogurt. Or else, like, ten pumpkin heads full of Halloween candy. Rashida [Jones, her co-star on Parks and Rec] and I are always slapping candy out of each other’s hands.
Are you serious?
What kind of candy?
AP: Chocolate bars. Nerds…
Nerds? Really? Are you five years old?
AP: Yeah. We’re five-year-olds. We eat Nerds all day long. And Cap’n Crunch and Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Cocoa Puffs. Terrible.
OK, now the magazine is to blame too. I mean, what kind of candy were they expecting to come out of the pumpkin head on the craft service table? The kind of candy that responsible adults eat all day?
You grew up in Delaware and moved to New York for college. What food did you discover in NYC?
AP: Katz’s Deli was a big thing for me. I grew up in a suburban Irish Catholic community. There wasn’t a lot of pastrami. Or latkes. Or matzo balls. I mostly ate SpaghettiOs with chopped-up hot dogs in it.
So- you went to one of the best food cities in the world, dug deep, and found.. one of the most popular delis for tourists in New York. I guess we’re not getting the SpaghettiOs recipe?
And now you’re a big-shot actress. You’re in a new movie that co-stars Bill Murray, A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III. Did you guys share any meals together?
AP: Yes, one dinner. It was one of the most special meals I’ve ever had.
What’d you eat?
Lemme guess, Cheezit Pie with Oreos on top?
AP: It was Greek–some kind of fried cheese thing. I don’t really do dairy, and he said, “You’re gonna eat this. And you’re gonna eat it right now.” I was like, “Anything you say.” Because anything Bill Murray says, I will do. He’s the king.
You know milk is dairy, don’t you? You JUST TOLD US that all you eat is breakfast cereal. There’s literally a picture of you with milk running down your chin accompanying this article. Do you know anything at all?
Right. How did it taste?
AP: It was amazing. I threw up later. But it was totally worth it.
You’re a delight. A delight who likely has an eating disorder, but a delight. Now go get help. I beg you. Still, it’s hard to blame Bon Appetit for this, I mean it’s not like they’ve interviewed her in the past, and already know that she’s a terrible cook who eats nothing but almond butter and apples- OH, WAIT- YES THEY DID, LAST JUNE.
What a fiasco.
Like this blogger? Follow Ritch Duncan on Twitter