Google put out a video demonstrating the awesome new technology called “Glass” that will hafta suffice until we get a chip put in our asses that records our entire lives from birth until death. To explain, these new glasses, pictured right (that look like the Opti-Grab from The Jerk, pictured left) do lots of amazing things. From Google’s description:
Say “take a picture” to take a picture. Record what you see, hands free. Even share what you see, live. Directions are right in front of you. Speak to send a message, or translate your voice. Get the notifications that matter most. Ask whatever’s on your mind and get answers without having to ask.
The video is called How It Feels [through Glass]. In it, people do tons of exciting things like jump out of planes, perform in high-end ballet performances, handle snakes. But while they show people living it up on roller coasters, or jumping out of planes, they do not show what people do most of the time — sit on their butts, as I am doing now. There are lots of other dumb things people will do with Google glasses they do not show. Here are five of the things not shown in the video that these glasses will truly excel at, mark my words.
5 Dumb Things Google Glasses Will Be Used For
1. Fighting with a boyfriend or girlfriend
Imagine this: You are having a heated argument. One of those fights where there are no winners. Finally you say, “Google, hippo, share” and a picture of a giant beast is sent to your soon-to-be ex. They retaliate by saying, “Glass — Condescending Wonka, share!” Oh it’ll be good times.
2. Overshare to the point you lose all your friends
We all have friends who share their “exciting” life moments way too much. It’s always something braggy. Like, “Oh look at this perfect adorable breakfast I made for my son because I am an awesome mom!” Or, “Here I am at this exotic place having more fun than you!” These glasses will inspire these types to go all out, and make everyone they share with hate them even more than they do now.
3. Murder people and tape it at the same time
Psychotic loner types have long had the problem: How do I kill people and get it filmed at the same time? This solves that.
4. Stay dumb, seem smart
So, you always wanted to be the type who would bore people’s socks off but never had a desire to study or a brain big enough to retain any knowledge? Great, now you’ll be a walking Wikipedia, telling people everything about all you see that they didn’t ever care to know.
5. Porn!
Like all other internet technologies, the thing these glasses will mostly be used for is sexy-related stuff. e.g. “OK Glass, take a picture of my junk!” And imagine being able to call up naked photos and videos hands free so your hands can be somewhere else? That’ll be awesome. Not so awesome when truck drivers start doing it while driving, but awesome nonetheless.
