Marie Osmond has her own daily talk show on the Hallmark channel, because WHY WOULDN’T SHE, and on it, things like this happen:
Buckle your seatbelt, it’ s about to get white in here.
This is some hard core white people entertainment. This is whiter than ivory, it’s whiter than bleach, it’s whiter than Bing Crosby in a freshly pressed milkman’s uniform, singing White Christmas atop an albino rhinoceros in a blinding snowstorm.How white is it exactly? ALMOST as white as Marie Osmond’s teeth.
It is very, very white!
Let’s recap the five worst things about this clip:
1) “Everybody clap your fingers!”(:05 mark)
Encouraging your audience to “snap along” is doing it wrong to begin with. Not being able to correctly encourage your audience to snap along means you are doing it wrong, wrong. And no, that doesn’t make a right.
2) The seated chair-swaying (throughout)
When truly soulful music is heard, those caught in its sway are often moved to dance. Ideally, that should happen beyond the confines of the double cushioned seat of your highback counter barstool dining chair.
3) “Yeaahhh! Yeahhhh!” (1:15 mark)
4) Banter: “Do you get coal in your stocking? (1:18 mark)
I honestly can’t tell if that was a scripted piece of banter, or whether Marie just inadvertently said what she was thinking out loud, temporarily disorienting Richard. Lucky for him, she got back on track with a burst of laughter so unhinged and maniacal it made me pine for the relative composure of Skeletor.
5) These lyrics (1:30 mark)
And finally, “you better not shout, you better not cry/ you better not pout, I’m telling you why….because your plastic surgery will not allow either of your faces to perform those functions.”
Marie Christmas everyone! (h/t @dwlaraway)
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