Hostess Brands, the makers of Twinkies, announced this morning that the snack company is coming to an end. The New York Times reports that while another company may buy and manufacture Twinkies, no plan is yet in place:
The last batches (of Twinkies) rolled off Hostess production lines early Friday morning, according to Tom Becker, a company spokesman, and no new products will be made for the time being.
It is with a heavy heart that I write this, but it’s time to let Twinkies go. The appeal of the Twinkie for almost 30 years has been almost entirely pop-culture based, and that culture is moving on. Here are five reasons why the Twinkie should finally, improbably, expire:
1) Kids aren’t this stupid anymore
This ad was appealing in the 1980′s because those kids were stupid. Unfortunately, in 2012, the only thing less attractive than a stupid kid is a fat kid, and this ad is selling you both.
2) John McCain endorses them:
John McCain is a war hero and a patriot. He’s also an old man telling an old joke. We honor his service, but deep fried Twinkies are famous because they’re disgusting, and they haven’t been the most disgusting thing at the Iowa State Fair for over 10 years. What will we do without deep fried Twinkies? How about a stick of deep fried butter?
3) Ghostbusters came out 28 years ago:
Yes, this is a great scene. But it is a great scene written in 1984. If there is a Ghostbusters 3, Bill Murray won’t be in it. What chance does the big Twinkie have?
4) They can always bring them back
This is America! Who says it’s forever? Who knows, maybe a thousand years from now, someone will crack open that time capsule that Bill Clinton stuffed a Twinkie into, and America will fall in love all over again. But for right now, let’s be real. It’s sponge cake. And not even GOOD sponge cake. We’ll be fine.
5) It’s God’s will:
Oh, Twinkie. You were a great snack, a great reference, and right up to the end, a great joke. Please bow your heads as I read from Ecclesiastes, chapter 3 verses 1 & 2:
“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted.”
This country planted Twinkies, and for a time, miraculously, they grew. But that time has passed. Goodbye, Twinkies. You were as sweet and disgusting as America itself, and we will always, always love you for it.
Just not as a thing to eat.
[Hostess Brands Moves To Wind Down Operations]
All the dumb that’s fit to blog! Follow us on Facebook and Twitter
Like this blogger? Follow Ritch Duncan on Twitter
[RELATED: The Great Eggo Waffle Shortage of 2009]
(Photos: Getty Images,The Ten Commandments on Blu-Ray)
