Even though drought decimated farms in the U.S. this summer, somehow peanuts thrived. The New York Times says we now have harvested 6.1 billion pounds of peanuts where last year we only produced a measly 3.6 billion pounds.
With peanut allergy in children on the increase in this country — it doubled from 1997 to 2002 — combined with the recent decline in America’s population growth, what the hay are we gonna do with all them peanuts?
We’ve got a few ideas. From stepping up our production of canned sandwiches (yes they exist and we have pics after the jump) to building up our beachfront, these dumb ideas may be the kind of out of the box thinking that’s needed in this oversupply crisis. You’re welcome.
5 Dumb Peanut Bumper Crop Suggestions
1. Replace eroded dunes
In the wake of Superstorm Sandy people are questioning policies of saving our nations beaches by importing sand. The problem is it’s expensive and it invaribly washes away easily in the next storm. Enter: Peanut butter. it’s sticky and almost the color of sand. We should take those excess peanuts, grind them at a Whole Foods and build mighty sea walls and dunes with it. Then we shall laugh as the waves crash in a futile manner against this inpenetrable protein-packed fortress. Rah!
2. Produce more Candwiches, STAT!
Candwich is a sandwich in a can. Peanut butter and jelly is the main product that is apparently available in stores in Utah and available online to anyone. Candwiches have a long shelf life and come with a candy surprise. It is time my fellow Americans, to embrace this technology for the greater good.
3. Make explosives for the blowing up of things
Peanuts can be used to create nitroglycerin. Seriously. The acids found in peanuts can help make an ingredient in dynamite. Dyn-o-mite!
4. BBQ with peanut shell briquittes
Some smarty pants college students at Rowan University in New Jersey found a way to make peanut shells into charcoal. Or maybe it’s best described as a charcoal-like substance. Whatever. It is said to be very durable and only crazy people don’t love BBQ. So we say — peanut shells — smoke ‘em if you got ‘em!
5. Lubricants for cars and sexytime
We can’t eat, burn or even spackle with all the peanuts we have. But peanut oil — ah! We could use it as biodiesel to run our vehicles. We could use it as chassis lubrication in our cars. And finally, if whipped cream can make it in the bedroom, why not peanut oil? Personal lubricants are hella expensive and the stuff that’s in them is mysterious. If your partner isn’t allergic, this stuff could be just the ticket.
Follow blogger Susie on Twitter: @susiefelber