Days after Hurricane Sandy I've still got no power which means no heat, no light and no laundry which means that I'm working at a local library in New Jersey. I know that compared to many I am lucky.
I smell a bit and I know this because a homeless guy in the library lobby saw me and started chanting, "One of us! one of us!" — or at least that's what I heard in my head.
So as you may have heard New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has postponed Halloween and he issued an executive order to move it to Monday. Kids were told that if they went trick or treating the police would stop them. When the little ones stopped crying they were terrified the cops would be out looking to confiscate their candy. This is a big pile of suck. And so I present:
5 Dumb Reasons Rescheduling Halloween is Hella Dumb
1. Kids need exercise
Walking is good for kids and this year avoiding downed storm hazards is a great aerobic workout. It's clear our portly governor could use a couple of weeks hopping over power lines and downed trees himself.
2. Now the flood gates are open for rescheduling all holidays
You thought "Christmas in July" parties were cute? Get set to start seeing Christmas commercials in March just in case lawmakers decide to switch up the Jesus birthday bash. And I don't want to scare you, but now Flag Day could be moved to September.
3. Who will tell the meerkats?
Halloween is rescheduled but meerkats have no idea. Look at that one frolicking up top on 10/31. Anyone speak meerkat? No. This small mammal related to the mongoose is more in the dark than me after 5pm.
4. New Jersey facing critical slutty behavior shortage
Without Halloween on it's regular day The Garden State lacked for its annual replenishment of slutty women in costumes. There are three-hour long lines for gas here and some of it is because it's a little-known fact that Jersey runs on slut power. Really. It takes 3356 guys in penis hats to equal one hot chick in a bacon dress. If the ladies don't come out on Monday to show some skin — dumb scientists say we'll all be kicked back to the stone age.
5. There's ten tons of candy in my house
I bought candy for trick or treaters but not one brave kid defied the order and I had no opportunity to give it away. Now, much like werewolf Danny Bonaduce, I must lock myself in a safe room for the next five days after dark so I don't hurt anyone while attempting to feed upon 25 pounds of 3 Musketeers Bars.
Follow blogger Susie on Twitter: @susiefelber