Let's all freak out — Frankenstorm snowicane is coming! Phrases like "Worst storm in a century…" and "ravage New England" are being tossed about. Are you ready?
You could do the smart thing and check out some sites that give sound advice about how to prepare for disaster OR you could follow our advice which is totally inadvisable but tons more fun.
PS If you're not scared about this storm yet, let me tell you that this pic is an actual photo of Hurricane Sandy. If that storm doesn't look like staring straight into Satan's anus — we don't know what does.
HOW TO PREPARE FOR FRANKENSTORM SNOWICANE (IF YOU ARE STUPID)
1. EAT ALL YOUR HALLOWEEN CANDY NOW
American kids are big enough and no one will be out trick or treating in a snowicane. Plus supermarkets are being cleared out as we speak. Build yourself a protective layer of fat by injesting all the peanut butter cups STAT. Because if the winds are still going on Election Day? Only those who won't get blown down the street will be able to vote. Added bonus: No need to buy batteries because orange Kit Kats make you glow in the dark.
2. PLACE ALL ITEMS YOU DON'T LIKE OUTSIDE
If you do this there's a good chance that the Ikea coffee table your boyfriend bought will wind up in another county. If he asks where it went just say it got sucked out the window.
3. GO TO A RICH FRIEND'S HOUSE AND SNAP PICTURES
Then after the storm go cying to your insurance company about all the things you lost in the storm. e.g. "My Picasso! My Ming Dynasty vase — gone! WAHHH!" Some may call it fraud – we call it smart planning.
4. DRILL HOLES IN YOUR ROOF
Put your plants under the holes — way to go, you! What, you wanna waste your precious bottled water on a Dracaena? Please.
5. INVITE SOMEONE HOT OVER
When the power's out, sexytime is on: People love having sex during natural disasters. This is mainly because you can't watch TV and they can't see how hideous you are. The electric company's loss is your gain — use it to your advantage and you might just succeed at making the next generation a bit more attractive.
Follow blogger Susie on Twitter: @susiefelber