Back when I worked in a windowless cubicle, I dreamed of being my own boss — no anxiety over running late, no coworkers eating rank food and no shoddy office coffee. To me, a home office was a glistening oasis just out of reach.
"BLAGH
BLURGH MERP BOOP." That's now me trying to have a conversation with a
human, because working remotely for the past year has ruined any social skills I once had. I'd snort office Folgers during a dull meeting just to score one annoying coworker. Here are the biggest myths and misconceptions about being a home office drone from someone who knows:
MYTH: More time to hang with friends for lunch, coffee or your general frackin' around.
FACT: You idiot. Your friends all have real jobs with bosses and things. Even if you did have plans with a bona fide human, you'd behave like a blubbering idiot due to your rapidly deteriorating interpersonal skills.
MYTH: You get to set your own schedule.
FACT: Sure, technically you can, but you also have to be accessible via email and available for impromptu conference calls because everyone else is working the normal hours of 9-to-5. And you look like a creep when you email TPS reports at 2am.
MYTH: Working in your PJs is awesome.
FACT:
You're more productive when you resemble a semi-respectable member of
society. Wearing sweatpants merely makes you want to go back to bed and
it doesn't help when said bed is three short feet away. But then again, wearing a nice
outfit when you're the only person who will see it is stupid, because we
don't dress up for ourselves. We dress for compliments. And thus,
shopping has become irrelevant.
MYTH: You'll eat out less.
FACT: Actually, you'll do anything for a little face-to-face interaction. Even if it's only with the McDonald's drive-thru chick.
MYTH: You can watch porn whenever you want.
FACT: Yes you can except since you'll need to be working 100 times harder than any employee in the office just to prove you aren't home watching Jenna Jameson flicks all day, you'll never get the chance.
MYTH: More quality time with your child. Or your cat.
FACT: If you actually think you can effectively work from home while your kid is there you'll either get fired or get a call from child services because duct-taping a kid's mouth shut while you're on a conference call only works so many times. And throwing your cat across the room because she thinks your keyboard is a bed, is not only wrong, it might get your eyes clawed out.
MYTH: You'll be more productive.
FACT: You think you can knock out all your tasks in three hours so you can spend the next five farting around on Facebook or diddling about at the dog park? HA. Having no one looking over your shoulder means the distraction of naps, funny cat videos and Halo 4 on Xbox will be at your disposal. That's your door prize because free Post-Its, leftover sandwiches in the break room and employee benefits won't be.
Oh, and by the way, little friendly advice: Individual health insurance plans don't cover mental health care. Just an FYI because working from home? It will inevitably drive you insane.
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