Emmy Laybourne, pictured, is the author of Monument 14 a new piece of post-apocalyptic fiction that takes place inside a Walmart-esque superstore. Publisher’s Weekly gave this debut novel a starred review and called it, “…a tense, claustrophobic, and fast-paced thriller.” Oh and if she looks familiar, it’s because she’s also an accomplished actress who starred alongside Molly Shannon as the best friend in the movie Superstar.
Emmy has tons more impressive abilities and achievements all of which
you can find out about on her website. What’s not on her
website? The stupidest thing she owns!
Luckily, she agreed to clear up this glaring omission and play show and tell for us. After the jump you’ll see what it is and hear the twisted tale of why this dumb thing is in her home…
Meet a handful of babies, the dumbest thing Emmy Laybourne owns. We had to know more:
Why and where did you get them?
My mother gave these to me in a small, round tin for Valentines day in 1999. It should be noted that I had recently broken-up with a long-term boyfriend and was single. Having children was very much on my radar at the time (I now have two, with my lovely husband Greg Podunovich) I don’t know if she was trying to remind me to stay on course or if she was simply providing me with many, many plastic substitutes.
Where do these babies live in your house?
They live in a drawer in a filing cabinet.
What do you do with them now?
Sometimes, if I’m really stuck on a scene, I will take a baby out and gnaw on it for a while. I chew it until it becomes a formless (probably toxic) bit of flesh-colored plastic. Sometimes I bite its head off.
Where do you imagine the plastic babies were born?
Listen, as I understand it, they weren’t actually born: they were CLONED. That’s right. You see, the mother Francis, pictured here, had a little drug problem.
When the scientists at [Name withheld] offered Francis cash money for a harmless DNA sample from her newborn she accepted, of course she did. Little did she know that those [Name withheld] scientists would not only clone her beloved baby girl, but also shrink it down from a healthy Barbie-baby size of 3/4 of an inch to an unnatural 1/8″.
Francis fled with her child to Sweden, where she lives to this day. And no one ever told her child that she has thousands and thousands of siblings!
Does this dumb thing bring you joy or regret?
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