Apple CEO Tim Cook issued an apology today over his company's much maligned Apple Maps feature. Here is the complete text of his apology. In parenthesis, we added what he REALLY meant.
To our customers, (Dear chumps)
At Apple, we strive to make world-class products (shiny polished metal) that deliver the best experience (Angry Birds) possible to our customers. (I reiterate, chumps.)
With the launch (forced upgrade) of our new Maps (software that does not function as a Map) last week, we fell short (f**ked up majorly) on this commitment (attempt at pushing out Google completely).
We are extremely sorry (embarrassed) for the frustration (loss of cash and reputation) this has caused our customers (us) and we are doing everything we can (writing this half-page letter) to make Maps better (buy us a little more time).
We launched Maps initially with the first version of iOS. (Filler paragraph) As time progressed, we wanted to provide our customers (chumps) with even better Maps (Things that did not yet function as a map) including features such as turn-by-turn directions, voice integration, Flyover and vector-based maps (bells and whistles that are useless with out a FUNCTIONING MAP) In order to do this, we had to create a new version of Maps from the ground up. (Or as it's referred to on Apple Maps, "the ground down.")
There are already more than 100 million iOS devices using the new Apple Maps, with more and more joining us every day. (They aren't here right now, because I sent them directons on Apple Maps). In just over a week, (A year is over a week, right?) iOS users with the new Maps have already searched for nearly half a billion locations. (How many of those locations have they found? I'd prefer not to say.) The more our customers (chumps) use our Maps (things that do not function as maps) the better it will get and we greatly appreciate (are reluctantly responding to) all of the feedback (hate mail) we have received from you. (Even the guy who mailed us a turd.)
While we’re improving Maps (into an app that doesn't invent fictional airports), you can try alternatives by downloading map apps from the App Store like Bing, MapQuest and Waze, or use Google or Nokia maps by going to their websites and creating an icon on your home screen to their web app. (You see?!! I said Google! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!!)
Everything we do at Apple is aimed at making our products the best (coolest-looking) in the world. We know that you expect that from us (or at least from Steve Jobs, who is dead now), and we will keep working non-stop until Maps lives up to the same incredibly high standard. (Or barring that, come very close to being a functioning Map.)
Tim Cook (Not Steve Jobs)
Apple’s CEO (The title I need to include because I am so obviously not Steve Jobs. )