Today is one of only two days a year when there are no major professional sporting events scheduled in the United States.
The NBA, NHL and NFL are all in their off season, and there are no Major League Baseball games scheduled on the days before or after the All Star game, which was won by the National League last night by a score of eight to who-gives-a-shit.
But with none of the big four sports in action today, what are our idiot sports fans to do? Don't fret, morons. Just because your team isn't playing is no reason to stop acting like a jackass. Here are five activities you can do that will make you feel like you're still at the game.
1) Run around naked.
"But Ritch," you're probably saying, "what is the point of running around naked if I can't jump out onto the field at a professional sporting event until I am eventually electrocuted with a powerful stun gun? Fair point, but why not follow the example of this Baltimore-area resident, who despite the Ravens and Orioles being idle, went ahead and (allegedly) ran naked down a highway. Police use tasers there, too!
2) Vomit on a child.
Just because the Philadelphia Phillies aren't in action tonight, doesn't mean you can't do what Matthew Clemens allegedly did in the stands in 2010, when he was accused of intentionally vomiting on an 11-year-old girl and her father. Sure, vomiting on a tween is more fun at the ballpark, but you can also just go to any old park and do it. Try someplace that has a swingset!
3) Spend WAY too much on terrible food and watery beer.
The stadium is closed today, but there's no reason you can't replicate the dining experience. First off, go to the store and buy a six pack of domestic brew and a package of cheap hot dogs and buns (stale, if possible). Boil the dogs and eat. Now take the beers and pour them into a large pitcher. Add the hot dog water to the beer. Drink quickly. Now open up your wallet, take out $80 and set it on fire. It's just like you're at the game!
4) Do the YMCA dance.
"It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A! Y-M-C-A." You know what I'm talking about. Now turn on your webcam and do it. You will look no dumber than you do at the game. I guarantee it.
5) Shoot your television.
There's no football, baseball, basketball, or hockey on, but that doesn't mean you can't riddle your big screen TV with bullets, like these geniuses did back in 2009: