Las Vegas can be a fabulous place to visit, unless you're a moron. So heed my Sin City list of DON'Ts the next time you plan a wild weekend out in the desert:

DON'T try to reenact The Hangover. Repeat after me: "I will not yank out my teeth, dabble in Rohypnol, marry a stripper or befriend Mike Tyson, his tiger, a random baby or any angry Asian gangsters." The Hangover may not have long-lasting consequences, but real life does. Also, everybody knows wolf packs only exist in Twilight movies.

DON'T wear 9-inch platform heels or clothes of any kind. If I had a quarter for every chick who looked like she'd rather be thrust into a cage with Mike Tyson's tiger than take one more step, I'd be able to play the slots for a week. Stilettos are sexy for an hour or two, but bring a back-up pair of Crocs. While you're at it, pack as few clothes as possible. You're in the desert and Vegas heat feels like sweaty balls in a dry sauna.

DON'T attempt to walk across the highway to In-N-Out Burger. Take a cab. Otherwise, you'll find yourself stranded on the wrong side of I-15 asking a homeless man for directions. Finally, when you do hail a cab, the driver might confuse you with a working girl. The famed West Coast burger chain is little more than a glorified Five Guys, so consider saving your gambling money altogether.

DON'T visit Siegfried &

Roy's animal farm at The Mirage. Do not go unless you enjoy seeing beautiful creatures of the wild live out their sad existence in a cubicle-sized yard and/or wading pool.

DON'T solicit a prostitute. Prostitution is illegal in Las Vegas, so the streets are often littered with "naked lady trading cards," aka escort services offering up happy endings for a hefty price tag. Some of these scantily clad women prey on the drunk, bearded Alans of Vegas, only to later wipe them clean of all their money and belongings. The sad, broke gentlemen then partake in the walk of shame to the police station only to wind up behind bars, because, as I said, prostitution is illegal in Vegas. (Sources: Vegas Strip and my cab driver.)

DON'T pay out the ass for a drink. Play a low-limit poker table and score free booze, unless you enjoy forking over $30 for a single gin & tonic.

DON'T gloat at the poker table. Keep your cool. I was psyched to win a lucrative hand at Texas Hold'em… until I lost. Don't be That Person, or you may get sucker-punched by a sore loser.

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