If you're nothing like me, you're pretty excited to see the upcoming movie Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.
The movie comes from the same kid that gave us Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, and it's funny (I guess?) because Abraham Lincoln is a dusty, boring old figure from our country's history, and he, you know, DIDN'T fight vampires in real life?
When I saw the movie poster, (at left) I thought to myself, haven't I SEEN THAT somewhere before? Oh, yes– HERE:
This (at right) is the poster for the 2009 Friday The 13th reboot, and let's go down the checklist, shall we?
1) Spooky Woods? Check.
2) Backlit by moon? Check.
3) Scary mist? Check.
3) Face of subject obscured by iconic headgear? Check.
4) Sharp, brutal weapon casually resting in right hand? Check.
5) Mostly white copy with BLOOD RED titles? Check.
So what does this say about Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter? The marketing is trying to tell teenagers that despite all the boring stuff they know about Abraham Lincoln, this movie is going to be gory! Abe Lincoln is just like a hockey masked killer!
Here's the twist though, kids– while Jason Vorhees might have been responsible for somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 (fictional) deaths, how many Americans died while Abe Lincoln was the commander in chief of the Union forces in the Civil War? Try 2,000 times that number. That means if you wanted to see Jason Vorhees come ANYWHERE close to the body count that Abe Lincoln ran up during his four years as President, you'd have to wait until the release of Friday The 13th: Part 24,000. And that still wouldn't be The Final Chapter.
So what's the bottom line? If we were smarter about history in this country, instead of trying to make Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter look scary by modeling it after Friday The 13th, we'd make the next Friday The 13th look scarier by making the poster look like a five dollar bill.