If you're looking to make some extra cash this holiday season, you might want to avoid hitting up the ol' sperm bank. Apparently, there's more to it than just making, er, love to yourself while you thumb through an ancient issue of Sports Illustrated (Swimsuit Edition). Some of it is so terrifying, you're better off giving your boys away for free to that old dirty sock in your room.
For instance, you can be legally obligated to masturbate. It isn't just a one-time wham-bam-thank-you-hand; there are contracts and schedules involved. Frankly, it seems to take all the fun out of spanking your monkey, and you're probably better off working the drive-thru at a combination Taco Bell/Pizza Hut.