The trend these days is for a random nobody to ask a celebrity out via the internet. It worked for that guy who asked Mila Kunis to the Marine Corps Ball, and I'm hoping it might work for me. Demi Moore, if you're reading this, I'm stepping this trend up by asking you, point blank, to marry me. I know you'll respect my negotiating tactic. If you reject my hand in marriage, maybe you'll take me up on something less egregious, like coffee. You'll have to pay for the coffee. I hope you'll understand that while I am a semi-professional blogger/stay-at-home boyfriend, I do not carry the bank-roll of the celebrities you typically mingle with. However, I do make it a habit to retract controversial tweets, and I own a Nikon. So there will be some crossover.
Who am I, Demi? I'm a man. I've had one cavity, that I know of. And I'm 32 years old, which isn't all that old, but it's the oldest I've ever been. Over the years, I've learned the best way to stir infatuation with the fairer sex isn't by telling them I like them; but rather through lying, manipulation, and messing with their emotions until we develop a cultish kind of co-dependant relationship. Which is what any sane person should want. That's what marriage is, right? Till death do you part. That's how cults end.
Sorry if this comes across as creepy; I'm just being honest. I think we both know that honesty is the best way to maintain a long-term relationship (and also the best way to ruin a short-term relationship).
I understand it's difficult. I don't want to date younger people either, if that helps. When I see a young woman sitting at a bar, I don't see her as a potential sexual conquest. I look at her the same way I look at the skateboard or the pogo-stick. They're things I can't do anymore without looking foolish for trying. Also, younger girls typically are filled with hope and ambition, which means they have no motivation to talk to me. What pick up line would I even use to flirt with younger women? "Hey sweetheart. You know, life is about learning from your mistakes… and I could be that mistake for you. I'll teach you important lessons about what your limitations are, and then you can take those to your next, healthier relationship. Think of me like a flu-shot: I'll make you sick, but not a sick as you could have been!"
So Demi, please think it over, okay? Marriage? Coffee? Your choice. I just don't want you to give up on dating younger men. I know you're in a vulnerable place, but if men are dogs, your beauty will ensure you always have your pick of the litter. If I have to be the ambassador for early thirty-something men, then I will bravely take that bullet for my brothers.
Also, Betty White, if you happen to be trolling the internet and come across this post, please know this offer extends to you as well.