No matter what anyone tries to tell you, sexuality is not determined by how much meat you eat. People who think it is should not be allowed to make big person decisions, ever. In a recent interview with GQ magazine, presidential hopeful Herman “Where’s The Beef” Cain stated that a pizza covered in an abundance of salty meat was a “manly pizza,” while pizzas topped with vegetables were “sissy pizzas.” Arguably, Herman, an expert in human sexuality and PR, has given us the most insightful comments on gender since the toddler in that scene from Kindergarten Cop, you know: boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.
What’s going on in Herman’s head? If he actually believes that a pizza covered in an orgy of meat is a manly thing, then why let the logic of his theory stop there? Why not tell people that if they want to be a real man, they should order a pizza covered in brass knuckles, gunpowder and Spanish fly? I bet that’s what Brad Pitt eats to maintain his rugged good looks. Oh wait, Brad is a vegan. Looks like there are holes in Cain’s airtight theory. However, if eating lots of meaty pizza does affect gender, then I admit that might explain a few things about the current state of Chaz Bono.
But just how far down the rabbit hole does his crazy train travel? If you think any part of human nature can be determined by consulting a pizza for answers, then how long before you start using runes or a Ouija board to make big decisions? Not only does that put Mr. Cain’s mental state in question, it makes him potentially as annoying as someone who dabbles in astrology. That kind of behavior is barely acceptable on a first date. Bottom line, princess, if you want to run a country, you can’t have a cabinet filled with palm-readers helping you make the big decisions. This isn’t Lord of the Rings.
I understand that Herman worked with the Godfather pizza chain for several years, but clearly the man got in too deep and now can only see the world through pizza-smeared glasses. It’s only a matter of time before his mental state transforms him from Don “Godfather” Corleone to Walter “Apocalypse Now” Kurtz. And the only decision that person is qualified to make involves the best way to properly accessorize human ears.
A Pizza Party With Herman Cain
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Photo: The Daily Beast
