The economy sucks. Jobs are scarce. You're sleeping on the futon in your parent’s guestroom because tempin' ain't easy. But don't feel bad about busting your ass just to break even. Look around. You're in good company. Everyone's broke. And let's be honest, the level of hustling required to make ends meet is making us all a little more interesting. If you ever feel dumb for being poor, think about it like this:
10. The grand kids will be amazed by your carnival lifestyle In 30 years, you’ll be able to regale your grandchildren with tales of how you sold cupcakes out of trailers, raised free-range hens, and lived with 6 people you never saw, but always cleaned up after. And those tykes will gaze upon you with awe, like Charlie Bucket looking at Willy Wonka. And that is why break-dancing in an Uncle Sam costume for minimum wage during tax season is worth it.
9.Debt will always be there I feel that if you have student loans and you don’t graduate, you shouldn’t have to pay them back. They bet on the wrong horse as far as I’m concerned. Creditors don’t see it that way, though. They’re holding my credit hostage until I do pay them back, which is odd because credit is just like my future: they’re both things I never had, yet somehow I ruined them both.
7. You’re too good to worry about minimum wage jobs off the clock Why is retail allowed to drug test? Working full-time in retail is worse than any drug I’ve ever done. It wrecks your body, your mind, and you’ll always be poor. If a company drug tests, they should find out what drugs are in your system and place you in an appropriate position in the store based on those findings. You find speed in someone’s system? Make them be a cashier. Every lane they’re in would be the express lane.
6. Try making unsafe work conditions work for you Living paycheck to paycheck is like running a relay race that ends when you die or break a leg. If you’re lucky, you’ll do it on the clock. Workers comp is like the poor-man’s version of winning the lottery, which is weird, because so is winning the lottery. So stand near something dangerous or pick up something that’s too heavy for you. The next thing you know, you’ll be laying on a gourney in the Bahamas, eating through a straw and loving life.
5. Being broke makes you more resourceful These days it feels like your resume has to be printed on gold leaf and dusted with the scent of an endangered flower just to stand out. Here’s how to get a better resume. Log onto any employment website (Monster, Career Builder, etc), and create a fake job posting requiring all the skills you have. Tell potential employees to send in resumes. Sit back a few days. Wait for a resume you like to come in. Put your name on it. There you go. New resume.
4. We're not afraid of "hard work." We're afraid of "no work" I’m not saying we’re afraid of hard work, gramps, but the quality of our work is different than back in your day. You guys fought Hitler and eradicated Polio. These days we’re fighting obesity and eradicating Restless Leg Syndrome (which is probably a kick in the legs to anyone who suffered from Polio). What I’m saying is, when you have a masters degree on the wall at home, and you’re being flash-mobbed by hooligans during your night-shift at the gas station, you’ve earned the right to be upset.
2. Money will just make you stupid Visit Multnomah Falls in Oregon. Watch as children and adults throw money at it. Then make peace with the fact the waterfall probably makes more money than you in a given day. Also, we never believe a homeless guy when he tells us he needs money for gas or food. However, we’re teaching kids that throwing money at water gets you a wish. That’s dumb.
1. So relax. Even if you had a few extra bucks, you’re still going to die As a poor adult with no health insurance, I understand why they put a horse down when it breaks a leg. Caskets are cheaper than getting bones mended in the hospital. So take the little money you do have and enjoy it while you can. It’s not like saving those nightly tip-outs is going to get you that condo in the Hamptons. No, that money is going to get you beer, which is probably the only medication you can legally afford anyway.
Widely hailed by critics and colleagues as a defining talent of the Austin stand-up comedy scene, Lucas Molandes has an impressive list of accomplishments that include appearances at the prestigious Montreal Just for Laughs Festival, Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham,” CNN”s “Not Just Another Cable News Show,” and the winner of the 2010 Funniest Person In Austin Contest. For more info, check him out at lucasmolandes.com.